Unofficial Orientation Schedule

6:29 a.m. – Fuck you, alarm
6:33 a.m. – I have already managed to hit my head on my cupboard6:45 a.m. – Attempting to get ready in the dark and bumping into things
7:02 a.m. – Leaving for Shaker Heights
7:23 a.m. – I am stuck behind a woman who appears to be extremely old, extremely short, and possibly drunk.
7:39 a.m. – I arrive at orientation and get my name badge with Physician Assistant on it. The second crowning achievement is that my name is spelled correctly
7:43 a.m. – I go to the bathroom
7:45 a.m. – I get lost on my way back from the bathroom
7:50 a.m. – Orientation begins with a benefits presentation
7:52 a.m. – I am already confused about my benefits
8:03 a.m. – What?
8:22 a.m. – I really wish they wouldn’t abbreviated short term disability as “STD”
8:30 a.m. – Benefits summary ends about two hours too soon, leaving me a giant ass packet to decode when I get home
8:35 a.m. – We take a break, and a new wave of people arrive (those not eligible for benefits), making it a room filled with eighty
8:48 a.m. – A girl with a giant purse and coat does not utilize them to save seats for her two friends and instead either stretches her arm over the chairs or looks pissed when people try to take the empty seats. Her purse and coat stare on
8:52 a.m. – A woman sits on my left with one bagel and four butter packets
8:53 a.m. – The woman on my left wonders out loud if someone from headquarters will show up, look at her breakfast and say “She took four butters – Don’t give her lunch”
9:00 a.m. – A man begins a two and a half hour presentation on the hospital’s image and how we need to be a part of that image. He’s a good speaker, but I cannot handle motivational speaking for that long.
9:14 a.m. – As always, I’ve managed to sit behind the woman with the largest hair ever, causing me to crane my neck every time the speaker wanders behind the mass.
9:24 a.m. – Why is it that hot tea in anything other than a mug tastes weird to me? This is a shame because I need caffeine to get through this
9:38 a.m. – A woman down the aisle has a voice exactly like Louis Armstrong, which makes me laugh more than usual because there was a conversation about him during the wedding reception this weekend where Tim decided that his voice sounded like that because Louis Armstrong was constipated and if he lived today, he’d be doing commercials about it. Yes, I married that, but hey, you let me.
10:01 a.m. – You really don’t need to convince us how great the hospital is. We’re already working for you. We’re here. Go on the street and start convincing others.
10:26 a.m. – Break time
10:28 a.m. – I hate warm toilet seats in public restrooms.
10:38 a.m. - The food services person is in the back of the room putting out soda, and for some reason, I want to go line them up into little rows. Does this make me weird?
11:14 a.m. - I wish they weren't putting out food because now the smell is making my stomach gurgle
11:26 a.m. - The food is egg rolls, chicken rice and fruit salad. Weird choice for a complementary lunch, but I'll take it
12:15 p.m. – Technology overview begins and is given by the blandest talker I've ever heard
12:26 p.m. - Having orientation in a room next to the cafeteria during lunch time is not the best idea.
12:38 p.m. - Rectify, a word that sounds dirty but isn't
12:44 p.m. - This guy is seriously teaching us how to use email - He is explaining that when you hit "reply," you can write an email back to the person who sent one to you1:09 p.m. - Compliance and ethics training begins. It's a bllastt.
1:11 p.m. - The speaker keeps referring to his talk as a "conversation". If it is, it's certainly one-sided
1:17 p.m. - A man two seats down from me just made a sound like Billy Bob Thorton in "Sling Blade"
1:35 p.m. - I am struck with a series of egg roll burps. Pleasant
1:44 p.m. - Code of conduct video begins with a series of dos and don'ts for patient care and confidentiality
1:48 p.m. - In the video, a nurse is sitting in her car when a man passes out in the parking lot. When she gets out of the car, she is already wearing latex gloves. Does she always wear them just in case of emergency?
2:08 p.m. - In the front of the room, there is a muffin with two Dum Dum suckers stuck in the top of it. I will never find out the reason for this, and this makes me a little sad
2:37 p.m. - I wish I had a friend to play tic-tac-toe with
3:05 p.m. - We begin infection control and safety rules
3:13 p.m. - Did you know that you should wash your hands before/after touching patients?
3:14 p.m. - Now I have the Scrubby Bear song in my head. I once had to watch a video with him in it. In college, no less.
3:27 p.m. - In case of fire, do not abandon your patients in their rooms
3:33 p.m. - Do not pull fire alarms.
4:03 p.m. - We're back to talking about the hospital's image and I'm a bit sick of hearing about it
4:04 p.m. - I'm comforted by the fact that at least I'm being paid to listen to this
4:15 p.m. - A woman sneezes several rows down, but doesn't sound like a sneeze. As the woman to my right put it, "That sounded like a poop"
4:17 p.m. - I'm still laughing at her comment because I'm loopy from sitting on my ass all day
4:30 p.m. - The session finally concludes