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Laura's TV Round Up Week 17

2010-02-12T14:45:00.001-08:00

TV Round Up

1. House - I'm really not sure why I watched this. I'm annoyed with Cuddy enough at baseline and I watch an episode centered on her? Maybe I changed the channel to Fox and forgot I could switch it? This season of House has been uneven and despite liking the Wilson-centric episode in the fall, I really don't like them changing up the format this late in the game. It's like they realized that they were doing the same formulaic crap week after week and remembered they had other characters. Unfortunately, I don't really like Cuddy at all. This show paints women horribly and every time Cuddy was overwhelmed in the stairwell or tearing up in her car, I just cringed. Yes, this is coming from a woman who cries inappropriately and can get over emotional, but just for once, I'd like to see a woman on this show kicking ass, taking names and not boo-hooing about it throughout. Not to mention the completely unprofessional over-the-top cheesiness of her screaming in excitement after she landed the deal. I almost expected her to dance around her dining room table singing in her hairbrush.

2. HIMYM - I really liked parts of this episode and really disliked others:

Like:
- Ranjit! Especially Ranjit knitting then later wearing his hat, scarf and gloves.
- Teddy Westside and Ted's reaction to Barney stealing his nickname. Actually, Ted was my favorite part of this episode.
- The mentions of Ted's former ladies - Trudy of the pineapple incident, Blah Blah and Natalie of the double break-up.
- The call back to the Naked Man, even if I didn't like the man who was naked
- The duck-rabbit argument. Though I really think rabbits are cuter.
- Robin's dress on Valentine's day. The wardrobe department was finally kind to her after making her look like crap for most of the season

Dislike:
- The addition of rabbit ears and a duck bill to Don. That was just awkward and dumb. We get what you're trying to tell us. Rabbit, then duck. We're not so stupid we need crappy animation
- I still hate how the writers are treating Robin. They humanized Don a bit, but it is not enough. Where's the Robin from the first two seasons? Hell, even the third?
- Ted's arranged Valentine's date. Lily would have never forgotten or resisted the opportunity to set him up with someone.
- I'd like to see Marshall and Lily separate from each other. Not separated, but interacting with the other characters individually and not as a pair. They're starting to remind me of the two-headed monster from Sesame Street.
- Barney. His whoring ways used to be a small part of this show, but now they seem to be front and center. Perhaps it would have helped if this episode hadn't run back to back with the perfect week, but I'm really tired of seeing Barney on the endless quest for hook-ups. I'm not advocating another relationship with Robin, but something needs to change because I'm sick of tasting vomit at the back of my throat. And furthermore, I'd appreciate it if Barney didn't continuously hit on women in front of Robin. You can argue that they had a clean break-up and Robin's always been pretty cool with this sort of behavior on Barney's part, but there's no way that Robin's that forgiving and there's no way that Barney (at least the Barney they showed us for the last season or so) is so oblivious and cruel. Either make Barney less of a man whore, or give him less screen time.

Sidenote: I just want to record a HIMYM related bet that Tim made with me. Despite all the evidence I've shown him to the contrary, he is still convinced that Robin is the mother and told me I owe him ten dollars if this proves to be true. So discuss what I should do with the ten dollars Tim will inevitably owe me when the mother is revealed and the woman that Ted referred to as "Aunt Robin" remains Aunt Robin.

3. Lost - Not as exciting as last week's episode, but still interesting. I initially thought it was a little odd that (1) Kate went back to give Claire her belongings and (2) Claire allowed the criminal who hijacked her cab to drive her around town, but after thinking about it, things make a little more sense. I think they're trying to show us that even though the characters in the alternate 2004 universe do not know each other, on some level they still have connections from the time their alter-egos spent on the island. We saw a little bit of this in Jack and Locke last week, and having Claire and Kate share this bond really makes sense because after all, Kate took care of Claire's son for a few years. 2007 Claire seems a little scary and I'm sincerely hoping she doesn't harm Jin in any way because (a) Daniel Dae Kim is so pretty and (b) Like Desmond-Penny, I really want Sun-Jin to remain intact.

4. Modern Family - Another really strong and funny episode. I love that pretty every character on this show is likeable despite their flaws. While everyone appearing while Claire's coat was stuck in the escalator was a bit over the top, I love that it ended with Gloria saving the day. The kid playing Manny continues to be hilarious (I should really find out his name) and I loved his declarations of the world being cold and loveless, devising a plan with Cameron and realizing that the girl of his dreams was crazy. I think Cameron and Manny should team up more often, and whenever possible, involve Lily because she is the cutest baby alive. Oh, and Clive Bixby is my favorite pseudonym, second to Patrick Glurger.

5. Grey's Anatomy - This episode was probably better than last week's but some things really need to change soon. I'm sick of getting dragged into a storyline only to have the writers change their minds about the entire situation. For instance, if you're going to kill George off, make it actually impact the cast and have us see the ramifications of these already stressed out people losing a close friend. The season premiere doesn't count to me, even if it spanned forty days. One could argue that Izzie's reasons for leaving included her grief over George, but it's difficult to buy that when you consider that she didn't really freak out until she was the one who was getting screwed over (at least in her opinion). Also, why did the writers ever have Alex and Izzie get married if they were going to piss all over it five seconds later? Alex and Lexie don't really bother me until I remember that he was supposed to have had a meaningful relationship with Izzie. Screwing the next thing that walks by is in character of Alex a few seasons ago, but not after he was so emotionally involved with Izzie. The character showed tremendous personal growth last season and this switch up is annoying and unfitting. I also wish that they would have never had Teddy declare her love for Owen. As much as I hate Cristina and Owen together, if you're going to keep them together, I'd rather not have this looming over them. If you have to give Owen issues with Teddy, why not have her be a past relationship of his? I'd much rather see the three struggling to be friends in the wake of a failed relationship instead of the possibility of a love triangle. I did not care for the love triangle of the restaurant collapse and really didn't appreciate the hammer hitting me over the head when the patient was talking about marriage being an every day choice. Gee, do you think this means that Meredith will be inspired to be by Derek's side at the brunch? That being said, I really did like Meredith/Derek's interactions and I liked them better as a couple than I have in the past. Mark's storyline was just sad, though I'm curious if they'll continue to explore Mark wanting to be a father. When Addison went on her baby quest, she pretty much quit when she found out that she was infertile and left it at that. I'm not saying Mark has to adopt a baby in the next episode, but it would be interesting to see him pondering the idea. Bailey's anesthesia boy is very cute and I hope they develop Bailey as friends with Arizona and Callie, because I think that would be fun.

6. Project Runway - I'm with Mike, they need to stop declaring things the biggest challenge in Project Runway history. Because this wasn't. Designing for Heidi is an interesting idea, but I was hoping for a celebrity who doesn't host the show every week. I really enjoyed all the outfits in the top three and while I thought that Ben's was the best dress overall (side note: I didn't know there was a guy named Ben until this episode), I think Anthony's was most appropriate for the challenge. His look fit in with the spring theme and matched Heidi's complexion a lot better. Emilio's was cute too, but a little too much like lingerie for me. I would be interested to see what Mila's dress looked like in different colors, but overall, I'm not really enjoying her much as a person or a designer. The bottom two were both pretty meh, and I think they made the right choice in elimination because Anna's been weak for awhile now.

My New Invention

2010-02-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

My body continues to be attracted to black ice. This was possibly God's way of telling me I shouldn't go get ice cream, but damn if I didn't have a scoop of Graeter's cookie dough chip after Tim pulled me off the ground. Not only is the ice cream delicious, it also served as a makeshift ice pack for my hand. I may start marketing ice cream packs for fat asses who injure themselves. I could make a killing. A delicious delicious killing.

Honestly, the fall wasn't bad at all, it just hurts if I use my right hand too much (that's what she said) and I have a few scrapes. I just feel the need to remind everyone that I am clumsy and fall prone. As if you could forget.

Laura's TV Round Up Week 16

2010-02-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

This week's TV Round Up features House, How I Met Your Mother, Lost, Modern Family, Grey's Anatomy, Project Runway, and the Saturday Night Live Sports Special. You can thank my cold for the large amount of material reviewed because it made me too tired to get off the couch.

1. House - I missed about 15 minutes in the beginning and a couple minutes in the second half, so I'm going to say that maybe I liked this? I'd fill in the blanks online if their posting agreement wasn't so stupid. I should promise that I'd never again tell you how dumb it is for new episodes to be posted eight days after the original airdate, but I don't know if I can. I'm pretty sick of Cuddy at this point, and I don't like Lucas as her boyfriend. I loved Lucas the PI, but I still find the pairing of him and Cuddy off. I'm not usually a fan of Foreman, but I actually enjoyed a glimpse into his past and why he might be the way he is. Is his brother at a halfway house because of jail issues or is it a psych problem ( if so, my money is on schizophrenia at this point) and I'm interested to see more interaction between the two characters as long as it doesn't completely consume him, like Abby's family bipolar family members did on ER. They have my attention for the moment.

2. HIMYM - This is why I watch this show! This was a perfect episode to go along with Barney's perfect game. One of my loyal readers (okay, I don't really have loyal readers, but I like to say it and pretend I'm important) remarked that there was a continuity error in Ted being excited to have a beer with a Yankee. However, I think he was more in the spirit of helping Barney out, plus not all Indians fans light Yankees memoriabilia on fire like some of our mothers do. Not to mention that there was a major shout out to us Indians fans - While Ted was talking things out with Barney, the music from Major League was playing. I really appreciate that we have a fan on one of my favorite shows. My only nitpicks (1) I would have actually found it interesting to see Barney fired and in a different job, but I suppose this holds true to a statement that Barney made previously about how he could never be fired because he knows too much and is more likely to wash up dead on the shore than be let go and (2) as Tim put it, Barney really just needs to get VD at this point. Anyway, this was definitely the strongest episode of the season and I hope there's plenty more like it in the bottom half....Dude, how was there not a joke about playing in the bottom half?

3. Lost - I'm not a fanatic here, I was just lethargic on Tuesday night and I've found it enjoyable in the past. With the recap show, I was able to understand most of the premiere, or at least as much as anyone can understand an episode of Lost. I was convinced that it was going to be Charlie under the "present day" rubble and not Juliet, especially when those scenes were juxtaposed with Charlie's arrest (yes, there's double meaning to that word) on the alternate universe flight. I'm very curious about the alternate universe flight and really liked when Locke and Jack met. Even knowing Locke's fate in "present day," it was still sad to see him stuck in his plane's seat, with none of the confidence he displayed when the island healed him. I'm really hopeful that this show has a strong ending, because I really do find it inventive and typically interesting. It better not go out like Alias when they didn't really tie up loose ends so much as shove them into a box and even stole a scene directly from Indiana Jones Last Crusade...But that's a different rant for a different time.

4. Modern Family - I think this episode (and some past episodes, actually) have been hurt by the promo people at ABC. They tend to show commercials every five seconds with the same line, so by the time the episode rolls around, the joke has lost its flavor (this week's example is Cameron's "moon landing/splashdown" joke). Also, they gave away the fact that (1) Haley and Dylan reconciled and (2) Gloria crashed into the cupcake; the first wasn't that surprising, but the second was a joke that could have been a lot funnier if it hadn't already been revealed. Anyway, it was still a very funny episode and Julie Bowen (Clare) had some great lines during her rant ("fornicating on the stairs....No, MARIO!"). Manny and Mitchell interacting was awesome as well.

5. Grey's Anatomy - Not a bad episode, but not a great episode. I think I need to break it down:

-Derek as chief - I don't know why so many people think he threw him under the bus. Weber actually appointed Derek as chief back at the end of season 3; Derek turned it down and told him that this time around, the chief would know what to do. Since the chief took to drinking and making poor decisions, I think it's more than right for Derek to step in. I was a little suprised that he rehired April (resident from Mercy West) and Meghan (former Seattle Grace intern) but no one else - April makes sense because she was fired for a patient oversight that occurred because things were hectic, but I'm not sure why Meghan deserves to be brought back on unless it was proved that the sole reason for firing her was her pregnancy. Nice to see Meredith there for both Derek and the chief, and very happy to see that the chief accepted Derek's offer.

- The patient who woke up during surgery - I was too distracted by the bad acting going on by this patient to really care. Nice to see the interaction between Bailey and the anesthesiologist (if Taye Diggs can't be Bailey's boyfriend, I'll settle for him) and how she handled Meredith when the patient requested her as the solo surgeon.

- Mark/Lexie - I really don't care about them at this point. Mark's selfish and Lexie's dumb. Can't really root for them.

- Alex/Arizona - The case wasn't particularly believable for me, but I do like the idea of Alex as a pediatric surgeon. He's been very good with pregnant women and children in the past, so I really think this fits. I really hope he stays away from Reed, because I really cannot stand that character. Her hair makes her look like an elf, she's self absorbed, and has absolutely no redeeming qualities. She's basically Izzie in elf form at this point. Honestly, I don't really care for any of the Mercy Westers at this point, save Avery.

- Cristina/Owen - While I appreciate actually hearing them talk things out (rare for couples on this show), I am really startig to despise them together. Owen has become very hypocritical. He's yelling at her because she doesn't readily open up to him, but when has he opened up to her without being forced? She had to pry things out concerning his PTSD (and aside from one therapy session together, we have no proof that Owen has further explored this with her), he didn't tell her that he had been engaged till his ex actually showed up at the hospital, and he's intentionally trying to distract her from cardiac surgery. I'm sick of hearing that Cristina is closed off and has no people skills and blah blah blah blah. She has clearly grown since her early days on the show and I wish the writers wouldn't keep changing that fact at their conveinence. Relationship drama is inevitable on Grey's Anatomy, but I'd prefer a different brand.

6. Project Runway - Underwhelmed by this week's designs. I love the real woman challenges - It's one thing to design for another contestant's relative or women starting out in their first careers, but designing for women who have survived things like open heart surgery is something these designers could be really passionate about. There was barely any complaining about making dresses that aren't a size 0, but I still feel like the designers could have done a little better by their clients. I thought Maya's was very interesting, but overall agreed with the decision to let Amy win. I wasn't a big fan of Mila's stars, but I appreciate her branching out from the basic design. Jesus' dress was rather tacky and I wish it could have some of the elements taken off because he could have had a nice dress. I don't really care for Jesus, but him being on made me laugh because every time Tim Gunn said his name, I imagined Tim Gunn telling Jesus Christ that his garment had a whole lot of look and he shouldn't piss Nina Garcia off.

7. SNL Sports Special - To make a successful clip show you pick your funniest bits from the show's duration (which is thirty-five years at this point, I believe) and make it fit into a two hour time frame. It really doesn't seem that difficult, but SNL keeps failing. First and foremost, they need to realize that clip shows do not require a host, and if you really deem it necessary, then you need to pick a host who doesn't start to annoy you after two minutes. The reason many SNL characters work is because they're administered in small doses. That's the reason so many of the SNL movies have failed (Wayne's World, you are an exception). Typically you see a five minute sketch and then you don't see the character for at least two weeks, if not more. By doing the same bit repeatedly in a two hour time frame, you begin to grate even the most patient viewer. Gilly in the Christmas Special and Twinkle & Star in this special were not particularly funny and just became annoying. What's even more annoying is when you have a host and then you include a five minute clip featuring the hosts (and a fairly stupid one at that), so if you weren't sick of them by then, you certainly were about five seconds into it.

The writers seemed particularly confused as to what they should include - Is it okay to have sketches that have nothing to do with sports but feature an athlete (see the Sexual Harrassment video or Charles Barkley in MacGruber)? Is it okay to have sketches about sports that do not have an actual athlete in them (see the Tiger Woods sketch, the Bowling Sketch)? Is it okay to have sketches that really have nothing to do with sports at all but feature beer (see Schmitts Gay)? I honestly think they had enough skits over the years featuring athletes that they didn't have to pull from the impersonating sports stars bank, perhaps with the exception of Little Chocolate Donuts and the synchronized swimming sketch.

However, a lot of the sketches featuring athletes were really bad - Michael Phelps on the Charles Barkley Show and Derek Jeter's opening monologue, just to name a few. The worst part is that as a viewer, I can think of several things that merited inclusion and I'm not even a very avid watcher, not to mention that I wasn't alive till 1985 and missed a good chunk while I was too young to watch (not everything was caught up by reruns, clip shows and the occasional video). It is a crime that Michael Jordon was not included - His sketches with Stuart Smalley and the Bears fans are classics. And even if you're not going to include the Bears fans with Michael Jordon, at least give them a sketch. They're hilarious and it's a week away from the Super Bowl. I also thought that Derek Jeter dressed up as a Yankee wife (and uttering the line "Derek Jeter? He looks like the Rock had sex with a muppet") should have been on the list as well. NBC, please call me before you attempt this again.

Laura's TV Round Up Week 15

2010-01-29T16:40:00.000-08:00

1. House - HIMYM was a repeat, so I watched House. Actually, saying that I multitasked during House is more accurate. I still have a hard time giving this season my full attention, but it was watchable when I was paying attention. I didn't mind Thirteen at all this week, so that's a major step forward. Having the psychopathic nature of the patient be related to her Wilson's disease was interesting, despite it being somewhat unbelievable. I'm really over the whole House-Cuddy drama and wish that they would just let it die a quick death. I know a lot of people out there think that the two of them are perfect for each other, and while I could have believed that seasons ago, House has done far too much damage to her. For her to accept him at this point, even if it is with massive groveling on his part, would make her look like a complete idiot with absolutely no self worth. At this point, House should wind up with someone he hasn't completely damaged in the past or should be left alone. Personally, I'd be fine with him on his own with the occasional get-together with his hetero life mate Wilson.

2. Last week's Project Runway - I still haven't seen the first episode of the season, but the second one was pretty good. It's quite possible that even the weakest link of this season is more talented, or at least more interesting than any of the contestants last season. I'm still struggling on names, but I really liked the designs of Emilio, Mila, and Amy. I love hearing Anthony talk, and his comments about how Mila can kiss his entire family's collective asses makes me want him to stick around for awhile, even if I can't specifically remember what he designed and whether it was worthy. Jay's design was good, but I preferred the futuristic look of Mila's and the airy quality of Amy's. Ping is straight up crazy town. She has a fun name, but I'm sorry, if your model's ass is hanging out, then you deserve to be gone. I don't know what she did last week, but is she this season's Mitchell, only with crazier ideas to back it up?

3. This week's Project Runway - I feel a lot better about this season. Continued love for Anthony, especially the noise he made when he found out that he was safe at the end. I thought it was an interesting switch to have the designers make a look for less based on another team's design, but it made for some confusion, especially since each team's garments did not come out consecutively. Overall, I was not that interested in the teams they considered to have the highest scores. I'm glad that Mila got some love because her dress last week was really good, but this week's dress looked like what Sue Sylvester might wear if she went high fashion. It's not exactly a diss, but it's not a compliment either. I thought their look for less was too much of a rip-off of the original design and could have been better. Regardless, I think she has talent and I'm happy she's sticking around. Personally, I liked the look of Anthony and Seth Aaron's outfits (especially the more expensive one), but I know that construction doesn't always translate through the television screen. Ping managed to keep her model covered, but in a nasty way. That girl has Andrae's tear ducts without any of his humor. She wasn't completely horrific, but I'm still happy that she's out. And just a note - Maya totally looks like the love child of Sara Ramierez and Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice.

4. The Pregnancy Pact - I was cleaning and I wanted something mindless to watch. Boy, did I find it. This movie was insanely bad, even by Lifetime standards, and really did very little to educate on teen pregnancy. Sure, one of the girls in the pact had a rough labor and needed an episiotomy and was worn out by her baby crying and her nipples bleeding, but they barely showed it. One of the pregnant girls made a passing mention of adoption, but you never saw if she actually opted to make that decision. The main girl who was obsessed with babies appeared to be deliriously happy with hers in the end with absolutely no negative consequences except for her baby daddy having a different girlfriend in the end.

It reminds me of the little bit I saw of "Secret Life of the American Teenager," which is worse than this because it goes on week after week and isn't over in two hours like the Pregnancy Pact. ABC Family took what could have been an interesting concept and just went psychotic all over it. They don't show the real consequences, you're either in the celibacy club or you're a complete slut, no room inbetween. One character was convinced that because she had sex, her dad died? What the hell is that? What kind of ideas are we giving teens about sex here? Ugh, my children are never ever going to watch crap like that.

Furthermore, I heard Secret Life described as a combination of Juno and 7th Heaven. If Juno herself were to see that, she would go up to 7th Heaven and kick each child in the genitals or danger zone, or whatever the parents on that show deemed that region. Granted, there are some issues in Juno, but it is nothing like and not in the same category as 7th Heaven. Juno managed to win the Oscar for best original screenplay. 7th Heaven featured an episode where one of the characters gave birth in an elevator and everyone was happy that her brother was the one stuck in the elevator with her to deliver her baby and hence glanced at her danger zone, and then she came off the elevator wearing her pants and boots, because the first thing you do after you give birth is put on your pants and boots despite the agonizing pain coming from the place where the baby ripped right out of you. And that’s just an episode I happened to see – I’m sure there’s more ridiculous crap going on up in that joint.

Where was I? Whatever, just use a condom.

Say Hello To Your Friends

2010-01-25T16:40:00.000-08:00

Are crunchy M&Ms gone forever? They were pretty good, but I suppose I'd rather have them gone than lose peanut butter M&Ms. Don't bother trying the PB&J M&Ms, it's not that they were horrible, but I'd much rather use my calories on something else. You know what else was awesome? Milky Way Poppables. I haven't seen those bitches in years.

Yes, I've gone over to fat girl territory. In a way I never really left.

Remember in Baby Sitter's Club how Stacy had to remind the readers every five seconds that she was diabetic? I'm like that in my love for chocolate. I just remembered how Claudia was always hiding junk food all over her room. Was that because her parents didn't approve? Is junk food to Claudia Kishi as CDs are to Lane Kim?

(Speaking of Lane Kim, I saw a girl who looked exactly like her riding a bike, which made me think of this - Try to ignore the captions, I couldn't find one without)

Who was your favorite Baby Sitter? I know you're supposed to like Stacy because even though she's trendy and beautiful her parents are divorced and her diabetes made her wet the bed, but I couldn't get on the Stacy train. Claudia was too flighty. Jessie was too cocky. I liked Abby, but she was too new school. Mary Ann was too shy and she got the best boyfriend. I guess it's a tie between Kristy, Dawn and Mallory. I feel like they might have ruined Dawn with those spin-off books - What were they called? You know the ones where she moved back to California and she had a friend who was anorexia and the other one's Mom died?

Apparently it was "California Diaries" - which isn't creative at all, but then again, Baby Sitter's Club wasn't really pushing it either.

Laura's TV Round Up Week 14

2010-01-22T16:42:00.000-08:00

1. HIMYM - This episode felt like the writers wrote it in about thirty minutes, then decided to go play paintball for the rest of the day. It's okay to have no plot advancement, but you have to do it in a way that is humorous. I laughed out loud about one or two times, but the rest of the time was just boring. I didn't really care for punch-them-out Lily, though at least it didn't go the way I expected (I thought that even with Jenkins' confession, Lily would still think Marshall was trying to trick her). Robin's character is such a shell of what it once was, Ted was barely present and Barney was even less so (Neil Patrick Harris directed this episode, apparently). I really feel like they even wasted Amanda Peet, who can be quite funny if given the proper outlet. I want my good show back. And on a medical note, why is Lily's school having a measles outbreak? Those kids should be immunized, I would have found a flu or staph outbreak much more believable.

2. Modern Family - I feel like I shouldn't even comment on this, because every week I just say that I love it and that continues to be true. I missed a little bit in the middle, something to do with the flowers but fortunately returned to see the bouqet go up in flames. I love that Manny's first "date" lunch was grilled cheese, tomato soup and ice cream (because Manny likes ice cream). I read an article complaining that you never see Mitchell and Cameron kiss at all, but really, I feel like that's in tune with their characters and the theme of the show and not some diss to the gay community. You see them show affection in their actions, especially in their interviews. Furthermore, I don't think it's really a huggy kissy show - I don't think we've seen Clare/Phil or Gloria/Jay kiss. There's been some references to their love lives, but I think that's true of Cameron and Mitchell as well (in the pilot, which just re-aired on Wednesday, Cameron mentions an incident with his mother walking in on them). I'm all for showing gay relationships, but as long as it's true to the characters and the show.

3. Fringe - Hey, why don't we walk into a building with a potentially contagious disease and not wear any protective gear whatsoever? Okay, that sounds great! That's my nitpick here - Peter could have just as easily been exposed by a hazmat suit tear or a needlestick, but they let them wander into a place where a guy spewed vaporized blood out of his mouth and died? Overall, this show is still enjoyable and I didn't have a hard time picking things up despite missing the rest of the season. Has any of the Peter is dead thing been explained? There was a mention by Walter to Astrid that she should leave things in the past, but I didn't know if the viewers were let onto anything. I'll look into it myself at some point, but I was just curious.

4. Grey's Anatomy - I think I like it better when everyone's pissed off at each other:

Meredith/Derek - I thought that she was in the wrong, but he didn't use the best means to convince her either. I'm not really concerned for them, but the writers do have the tendency of dragging fights out (see Meredith and Cristina last season). At the very least, the Chief's problem is out in the open. I just hope that Derek's not a snarky smarmy jackass when he's inevitably chief. And I want Meredith's bathrobe.

Calle/Arizona - Okay, they weren't really pissed off at each other, but I really like the two of them together and was hoping Arizona wouldn't be so superficial. At least she got over it in the end, and Callie got some funny lines to boot ("Please take off my gauze paws" was probably my favorite). So far the two of them seem to be getting over their arguments, etc quickly and believably and I hope that stays true

Lexie/Mark - Lexie had my favorite line of the night ("We've already had sex. It's like recycling, it's good for the environment"). I wish that Dr. Double Standard could get over himself and realize that Lexie was hurting too and he's not the only one who should get a free pass. She was dumb and drunk, but they were broken up and it's not like Mark hasn't assisted adultery before. I typically like these two together, but Mark's been a bit too much for me in the last two weeks, especially when he did his sudden "Why don't I move to LA" monologue.

Owen/Cristina - Once again, I hate this triangle, but at least it shows us how desperate Cristina really is to be taught. I'm not a huge fan of them together, but I'm hopeful that they can work something out. However, with hearing that Kim Raver (Teddy) is officially joining the cast, it's unlikely that everything will be sunshine and rainbows for them.

Alex/Izzie - If nothing else had happened this week, Izzie getting her ass dumped was enough to make this episode for me. I really miss season 1/2 Izzie - she was annoying at times, but she had a good heart. Ever since the writers decided that she and George had always been in love (see "Things I Pretend Didn't Happen" below), she's turned into this entitled bitch who stomps over everyone else's feelings. I don't think Alex was particularly smart in "cheating" on her, but she left him (and not for a very good reason), never returned his calls, ignored him the one time she did return to the hospital, and was gone for a fairly long time (not 100% of the exact time, but we know that she was gone from Thanksgiving through New Year's at the very least, and other things have suggested that it was longer than that). The fact that she came back expecting everything to be okay just because she snapped her fingers is proof enough that she's deranged. It's a shame because prior to her leaving, I really thought the two of them were good together - I wish they could have shown them dealing with the whole getting married to soon/Izzie almost dying thing while they were actually together. This is just something else that the writers have completely botched.

Things I Pretend Didn't Happen
Sometimes I find it more enjoyable to pretend that certain events on television shows didn't happen:
1. Izzie and George on Grey's - I might have been able to stomach this if George hadn't been married to Callie at the time. George cheating on a girlfriend is a stretch, but cheating on his wife (even if he was drunk) was a completely character assassination and even felt wrong to the actor playing him. I like to pretend that George and Callie just realized they were wrong for each other, they split up, and no one suddenly realized they were in love with Izzie out of the blue.
2. George dying on Grey's - I understand TR Knight wanting to leave Grey's, but they really did not need to kill him. There are a dozen ways to send a character off, and the show even provided two outs (1. He could have gone to the army as planned or 2. He could have been laid off during the merger), yet they still went with the option that most shows do. I like to pretend that George isn't really dead and he's being the sweet fun character he originally was and is kicking ass as a trauma surgeon somewhere out there.
3. Kutner killing himself on House - See above. Be a little more creative writers.
4. Cameron and Chase Marry/Cameron Leaves - If Cameron is going to leave the hospital, why does she have to leave her marriage too? This was just the dumbest way to have her leave.
5. Carter and Thandi Newton on ER - I think her name was Kem on the show? I'm all for having Carter fall for someone who's (a) not blonde and (b) doesn't work at the hospital, but they made her such a shrill person. Their future was left up to intrepretation in the finale, and not only do I choose to believe they break up for good, but I like to pretend that they never were to begin with.
6. Kerry's partner dying in a fire on ER - Sandy? I'm really rusty on the ER names here. The writers felt the need to kill off a character that we barely saw in the first place, and then they didn't really give Kerry enough screen time to show her suffering. Laura Innes is a great actress and could have done well with this, but instead it fell flat.
7. Barney and Robin on HIMYM - You know how I feel about this, so I won't elaborate.
8. Joey and Rachel on Friends - This was just stupid and very similar to the Barney/Robin situation to me.
9. Joey's Spin-Off vs. the Friends finale - There was no indication that Joey was leaving his NY friends for California in the series finale of Friends, so I just pretend that the spin-off didn't happen.

Lassitude

2010-01-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Have I always been this boring and bad at updating? Wait, it's better for my ego if you don't answer that. I'm pretty much grasping at verbal straws here because I've been avoiding writing for so long that I'm afraid if I don't write something now (even if it's just crap) I'll get completely out of the habit. So here it is: I feel kinda bleh. I shouldn't feel bleh, I know. There's way worse crap going on in the world, hell, even to people I know, I'm just in a bit of a funk. So I do puzzles and watch Law & Order SVU on Netflix and neglect housework. This is the new me, bitch.

Okay, so maybe it's not the new me, it's just Laura in a funk. Funky Laura. Does anyone else have "Funky Town" in their head right now? At least it's not....oh wait, "Black Velvet" is back. Kates and I heard it at kareoke (by an actually very good singer) and it's been following me around ever since.

Thoughts:
- I adore Netflix.
- I need to stop watching Law & Order SVU
- Work is still mind numbingly boring
- I think that the holiday Junior Mints shouldn't include white centers, only red and green ones.
- Did anyone else know they make coconut M&Ms?
- I need to look up the hours for the Cincinnati Zoo because I want to see the sand cat kittens that recently made their debut
- My mouth is so dry. I think it's related to the whole donating platelets thing yesterday.
- I got a new laptop. Now I just have to figure out how to get microsoft office on it.
- I need a haircut.
- My pinky finger is itchy.
- Luke Wilson needs to stop being in commercials.
- Did Owen Wilson once try to kill himself? If not, who am I thinking of?
- Apparently I have a paper cut on my pinky finger. And it's itchy. Son of a B.
- My cats keep sitting on my card table so I can't take it down.

See, this is the crap you get when you don't write too often. Or maybe this is the same crap you get when I do write more often, but you just have less of it? Whatever, you can't get rid of me that easily.

Laura's TV Round Up Week 13

2010-01-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry that this is a day late, but it was trapped on my flash drive and I wasn't about to write it all over again.

1. House – I didn’t watch House and as long as HIMYM is new, I probably won’t be watching it. House has become like Law and Order SVU to me – I don’t need to watch it live, but if there’s an episode on USA while I’m bored, lord knows I’m going to watch it. At this point, you don’t really need to know anything about what happened the week before because it’s the same sudden realization at 8:52 with no real plot developments for the characters.

2. HIMYM – If they continue having episodes like this, I really hope that we (and therefore Ted) meet the mother by the end of the season, because I feel like it’s not doing them any favors to drag it out longer. I realize that the show is called “How I Met Your Mother,” and because of that, it seems like the show should end when the title is fulfilled, but after all this build up, I’d really like to see some of their relationship. I think season 2 functioned well because they did not really mention the mother much and the audience wasn’t distracted by the fact that they’re being jerked around. As the third and fourth seasons went on, the references seemed to become more frequent and have definitely peaked this season – I feel like it’s a mistake to keep mentioning it with pretty much no reward.

This episode was half and half for me – There were definitely some laughs and I adore Tim Gunn as Barney’s personal tailor (complete with button donation), but I wasn’t a huge fan of the musical number at the end. Following a season of Glee, it feels like the creators were like, “Well, it worked for them…”. I’m somewhat okay with doing a musical number, but I feel that if you’re going to do it, you have to take it over the top (see: Robin Sparkles, Let’s Go to the Mall and Sandcastles in the Sand). I also thought that the other cast members should have contributed to the number more – I love NPH, but I know that a few others in the cast have serious singing experience and I would have liked to see that. I don’t know if it was my TV, the network, or whatever, but the sound levels were not that great during the musical. I also could have done with an end tag, which is often the funniest portion of the show.

3. Modern Family – I continue to love this show, even in the absence of Manny in this week’s episode. I loved the end tag featuring Cameron as Barkley’s voice, with the wind flapping through his ears. And on a completely unnecessary note that I’m going to share with you anyway, I have the same striped pitcher that Clare and Phil do (Crate & Barrel, courtesy of Maureen).

4. Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice – Being referenced as one episode because of the super special crossover event….I am so sick of them doing crossovers. The first time Addison came back was fine because she was there for a specific surgery and she didn’t insist on dragging any of the GA characters back to PP with her. Then her brother has worms in his brain? Bailey’s patient just happens to have a sister with a matching kidney at Addison’s new hospital? Mark has to refuse the surgery on his daughter the first time so at the end of the hour they can go to LA? If you want Kate Walsh to interact with these characters, then you shouldn’t have given her a spin-off in the first place. There wasn’t a single redeeming character action in either show and Taye Diggs’ shirt remained on throughout both hours. That’s just sad where I come from.

5. Project Runway – I intended on watching this while I was staying with my parents this weekend and I didn’t get a chance.

Collin

2010-01-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

Collin Joseph MacGregor passed away on the evening of January 8, 2010. He was on this earth for almost 8 weeks. He will be in our lives for much longer.

He was born on November 12, 2009, at 1 pound 15 ounces, almost 13 inches long, at one day short of 26 weeks. I could list off everything he went through during the 55 days of his life, but all you need to know is this: Collin was a fighter.

So often, I would hear about the obstacles Collin was facing. I would wonder how he would be able to fend off the opponents heading his way. Yet, time after time, he did. In his last day of his life, he even survived a surgery that many thought he would not. In the end, he had a clot that could not be broken, even with the doctors fighting with him as well. You never ceased to amaze me, Collin. Who knew that something that small could have so much strength?

I am not saying that this makes sense, a baby, a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin being gone so quickly. It breaks my heart, thinking of the pain that his absence will cause. I hate that I'll never get to see him at family gatherings or get a chance to hold him or watch him play. But I don't begrudge you that, Collin. I'm so relieved that you can relax and you don't have to fight any more.

When I worked in bone marrow transplant, I saw one of my well-liked patients the morning of the day he passed. His breathing was struggling and he had a do not intubate order, so they placed him on a high-flow oxygen mask to help him hold on until his family could be there. Despite this, he was still very alert, but he couldn't talk because of the oxygen blowing into his mouth and nose, and he had trouble hearing over the sound of the mask. I was at the foot of his bed, so I reached over, held his foot tightly and looked into his eyes. There was an understanding between us in that moment - Goodbye, this is likely the last time I will see you. His eyes were saying thank you. I hope mine were too.

I want Collin to know this as well. He could not walk, he could not speak, he never lived outside of a hospital, but he managed to reach so many people. Most of them he never even met, but we knew him and we are blessed. To witness someone so courageous and feisty is truly an honor. You will be in my heart forever.

Thank you Collin, for everything you taught while you were here with us. We will carry the lesson with us every single day. We wish you could have stayed here longer, but how lucky to have an angel like you watching over us. I love you, sweet boy

Prayer Request

2010-01-07T16:47:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know already, Tim’s cousin (Jill) had a premature baby born back in November and he is currently not doing well. Collin was born one day shy of 26 weeks, at almost two pounds, and while he did well during his first month of life, he started developing complications a week before Christmas. He developed an infection on his main IV line, renal failure and was found to have several blood clots, the most dangerous being in his SVC, a main vein near his heart. He received four doses of tPA, a blood-thinning medication that can be quite dangerous in premature infants. Unfortunately, the medication did not shrink the SVC clot. Last week, they discovered some brain damage indicating that he will have moderate to severe cerebral palsy, and may have some cognitive and behavioral issues in the future. His condition has worsened this week and even though they thought that they were going to lose him on Tuesday, he has managed to pull through. In what may be a last chance effort to save his life, he will be having surgery to attempt to remove his SVC clot. The doctor performing this has only done this procedure on four other babies, none of which were as small as Collin is. His surgery will be tomorrow afternoon at the Cleveland Clinic.

Jill and her husband Mike are wonderful people. Jill has been particularly kind to me in the eight years I’ve known her and she truly feels like my cousin, and not just Tim’s. Since Collin was born, Jill and Mike have spent most of their time at the hospital, and when they are not there, they are with their two year old son, Ian. They are one of the nicest families that I’ve ever met and have shown amazing strength throughout this time.

Whatever you believe in, please send good thoughts their way tomorrow. Collin has a lot of people on his side, but he needs all the prayers he can get. Thank you for listening and blessings to you all.

P.S. - I apologize if I already sent this to you in an email, but like I said, I want as many people praying for him as possible.

Movies of 2009

2009-12-31T16:47:00.000-08:00

1. Slumdog Millionaire – Tim and I are perhaps the only people who did not enjoy this movie. I really liked the concept, and I thought it was clever to tell his story by flashing back to the times when he knew the answers to the questions on the game show, but I didn’t find the movie as a whole to be particularly praise worthy. I felt that they didn’t develop Latika enough – We knew he was in love with her and would do anything for her, but she didn’t seem wonderful enough for all of his feelings. And I really could have done without the dancing in the credits.

2. The Wrestler – One of the best movies I’ve seen in awhile. Even though it was so well done, I don’t think I could watch it again because it was so depressing. However, the fact that it was depressing made me like it, because it felt very real. Mickey Rourke was amazing and I still maintain that he should have won the Oscar over Sean Penn for Milk. I liked Milk a lot, but I wasn’t a huge fan of Penn’s acting.

3. Coraline – I can’t believe this is a kid’s movie, but I really enjoyed it. I saw it in bits and pieces that added up to seeing the whole movie, but sometime I need to sit down and watch it straight through (it was playing on tv while we were on the cruise). Dark, twisted and visually interesting to watch.

4. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince – I think it says something that I knew exactly what was going to happen, yet I still found myself crying like a little girl when Dumbledore died. The special effects were beautiful, the directing perfection and every scene played out exactly as I hoped it would. Makes me very eager to see the next two movies.

5. District 9 – I went into this expecting just an action movie, and I was very pleased when it wound up being more than that. I thought some of the character choices were stupid (I’d give examples, but I don’t want to spoil it) , but I’m willing to overlook it. Once again, it was a movie that was difficult to watch, but well done.

6. Whip It – Disappointing. Most of the characters were underused and underdeveloped, and I still feel like Ellen Page is playing a little too close to Juno. There are a million love stories out there, but there aren’t too many about groups of women who kick ass and take names. I wish the movie would have focused on the latter and skipped the former altogether.

7. Away We Go – It was predictable, but ultimately a good movie. I thought both of the leads were very good and gave performances very different than what they typically do (The Office, SNL). John K. was quietly hilarious and loved the running gags of him trying to elevate the baby’s heart rate. The music was also quite good.

8. Up in the Air – I was not impressed in the least. Going into it I kept hearing how wonderful the writing and acting were, but I was underwhelmed by both. I thought the actors were well-cast and they did their best with the material that was given, but I didn’t really enjoy the film. I’d go into more detail, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.

Books I Read in 2009

2009-12-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

Overall I read 65 books in 2009, some of them repeats, some of them loved, some of them hated. Here's how they break down:

Books That I Loved
1. If I Stay by Gayle Forman
2. Columbine by Dave Cullen
3. The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian
4. A Little Love Story by Roland Merullo
5. Along For The Ride by Sarah Dessen
6. Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos
7. Belong To Me by Marisa de los Santos
8. The Story Sisters by Alice Hoffman
9. The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall
10. The Penderwicks on Gordon Street by Jeanne Birdsall

Books I Had Previously Read But Read Again
11. Girls in Trouble by Caroline Leavitt
12. Sickened by Julie Gregory
13. Coming Back to Me by Caroline Leavitt (this one I didn't realize I had read till I was 20 pages in)
14. Skylight Confessions by Alice Hoffman
15. My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
16. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
17. Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty
18. Charmed Thirds by Megan McCafferty
19. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
20. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
21. The Saving Graces by Patricia Gafney
22. The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman
23. Perfect Fifths by Megan McCafferty

Books That Were Okay
24. The Pursuit of Alice Thrift by Elinor Lipman
25. More Than It Hurts You by Darin Strauss
26. Things I Want My Daughters To Know by Elizabeth Noble
27. What I Saw and How I Lied by Judy Blundell
28. The Mighty Queens of Freeville by Amy Dickinson
29. Home Safe by Elizabeth Berg
30. Revenge of the Spellmans by Lisa Luts
31. Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult
32. Goldengrove by Francine Prose
33. Tricky Business by Dave Barry
34. What Do You Do All Day? by Amy Scheibe
35. The Finishing Touches by Hester Browne

Books That Had Little Substance But I Liked Anyway
36. The Home For Wayward Supermodels by Pamela Satran
37. Murder 101 by Maggie Barbieri
38. Extracurricular Activities by Maggie Barbieri
39. Quick Study by Maggie Barbieri
40. Bed Rest by Sarah Bilston
41. Sleepless Nights by Sarah Bilston

Books About Library Cats That Made Me Cry
42. Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron

Books That Had a Good Premise But Failed
43. Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult
44. Just Take My Heart by Mary Higgins Clark
45. Leap Day by Wendy Moss
46. And Sometimes Why by Rebecca Johnson
47. Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger
48. I Just Want My Pants Back by David J. Rosen

Books That I Liked Until the Ending
49. Center of Everything by Laura Moriarty
50. Before You Know Kindness by Chris Bohjalian
51. The Every Boy by Dana Adam Shapiro

Books I Don’t Remember The Plot Of
52. The Perfect Elizabeth by Libby Schmais
53. Best Friends by Martha Moody
54. Starting Out Sideways by Mary E. Mitchell
55. Killer Heels by Sheryl J. Anderson

Books That Didn’t Suck But Weren’t Great Either
56. Girl Talk by Julianna Baggott
57. Quality of Care by Elizabeth Letts
58. Songs Without Words by Ann Packer
59. Citizen Girl by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus
60. Talking to the Dead by Helen Dunmore

Books That Just Sucked
61. The Soul of Medicine by Sherwin B. Nuland
62. What I Did For Love by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
63. What You Have Left by Will Allison
64. Post Grad by Emily Cassel
65. Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Picoult

Laura's TV Round Up 2009

2009-12-29T16:49:00.000-08:00

The only show I liked consistently this year was Modern Family, so I'm just going to break this down by episodes of shows I liked in 2009.

1.ER, “And In the End…”
I’ve already commented on this episode back when it first aired, so I’ll just say I was pleased with this finale and leave it at that.

2. Grey’s Anatomy
“Elevator Love Letter”
This was the episode where Izzie finally got treated for the brain tumor (and no appearance by GhostDenny, which was fine in my book) and also featured the Owen-Cristina break up and the Meredith-Derek engagement. Very good acting and plot advancement throughout. Even though I currently hate Izzie, Owen and Cristina are back together and Meredith and Derek never actually got married, this is still a good episode.

“Now or Never”
This was one of the best season finales that I’ve seen and left a lot up in the air with the possible deaths of Izzie and George. Unfortunately, some of that was ruined by releasing the fact that TR Knight was leaving the show, but the episode is still a great cliffhanger. And it didn’t hurt that Knight looks killer in an army uniform. Even though I do not like the decision to kill off George (I still maintain he should have been fired during the merger or actually joined the army), I think this episode’s reveal was done well.

“I Saw What I Saw”
This was the episode centered around the series of mistakes that led to a patient’s death. It was the only episode of this fall that I could watch repeatedly and still like.

3. Glee, “Pilot”
This was the one that started it all. There weren’t too many big numbers, but I loved the energy behind it all. Most people watched it when it first aired back in the spring, but I didn’t get on the train till a week before the next installment (in the fall), which I was thankful for because this episode left me wanting to see more.

“Sectionals”
I had my qualms about it (see TV round up, week 12), but this episode is what the show is all about. I don’t agree with the concept of having a fall finale and waiting till April to see the next episode, but if you’re going to have a finale, this is the way to do it.

4. Scrubs, “My Finale”
It’s somewhat cheapened by the fact that the show continued, but if you look at what this was originally intended to be, it’s the perfect finale for these characters. JD’s encounters with Dr. Cox and the Janitor were spot on and his mental image of his patients lined up in the hallway to send him off was a nice touch. I thought it was nice to have the viewers decide if JD’s life lived up to his final fantasy at the end. Why didn’t the show just end on this high note?

5. Modern Family
“The Bicycle Thief” and “Run for Your Wife”
I’m grouping both of these episodes together because I know I’m one of the few people here who watches this show. I’m just saying, watch this show because it is hysterical and one of the only programs I have found to be consistently good this season.

6. HIMYM
“Three Days of Snow” and “The Leap”
I’m grouping these together because I’m feeling lazy. Three Days was more Lily-Marshall centric and while somewhat sappy, was exactly what this show is all about. The Leap was more Ted centered, showed a lot of progress in getting to the mother, and featured Ted fighting with a goat. What more could you ask for?

Laura's TV Round Up, Week 12

2009-12-13T07:13:00.000-08:00

1. HIMYM – I thought the Maggie character wouldn’t have made a bad mother, but it was clear from the start that she wasn’t going to pan out. Still, I like the direction the writers seem to be taking, which is having Ted go back to that romantic, I want to get married person he was in the first season. I understand that he needed to go away for awhile after the whole being left at the altar incident, but it’s good to have him back. Once again, I really feel like they’re writing episodes with good premise but the actual follow through is somewhat lacking. I don’t mind Barney’s overall challenge, but most of Robin’s farmer jokes fell flat. I loved teenage Marshall, but felt like that storyline should have been in an episode that could have giving it more screen time. I sometimes feel like Robin is a character that they alter with time to suit their purposes – Robin of past would have had no problem keeping Maggie’s suitor away...Or at least would have done a way better job flirting with him than she did. And speaking of Robin, what happened to the coworker she met a couple of episodes ago (when it was implied that she’d have a serious relationship with him in the future)? Licky boom boom down.

2. Scrubs – I missed the beginning again, but there were definitely some laughs in the episode. Maybe I’ll catch an entire episode next week and be able to give an actual opinion.

3. Modern Family – Still not a very big fan of the voiceovers at the end. Voiceovers always seem like cheating to me; unless you’re revealing a character’s internal dialogue (Scrubs is an example because all the mental images come to life wouldn’t work without narration, but even they take it too far at times); it seems to me that if you’re writing well enough, the actions of the story itself should be able to make the ending, not a paragraph read by a person off screen. I think I’d be okay with it on Modern Family if they made someone being interviewed saying it (even then, turn down the sappy sweet), but as a voiceover, I just don’t like it. But aside from that, I really enjoyed this episode. The best part was Fred Willard as Phil’s dad...I don’t think there’s ever been better casting than that.

4. Glee:

- If you want us to be concerned when the other schools are stealing their songs and they have to rush at the last minute to come up with something else, don’t show them practicing approximately 11 billion songs throughout the season. There is no way they needed to do “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” when they’ve done eight hundred other things.

- That song always reminds me of House, so it was weird to see it on a different Fox show.

- I do not believe all of those people keeping the Quinn-Puck secret. Okay, maybe Santana because she wanted Puck to himself and Brittany because she’s really too dumb to know better, but you cannot tell me that Kurt would have resisted an opportunity to break Finn and Quinn up.

- I’m very happy with the secret being out in the open, but wish it wouldn’t have been done two seconds before sectionals. Finn as the hero swooping in at the last second didn’t do much for me. Probably because I’m not a huge fan of his, but it felt more contrived than this show usually does.

- I feel like the writing for Sue has been a little sloppy in the last few weeks. Jane Lynch is still bringing it, but the lines she’s been given aren’t as wonderful as they were earlier in the season. That being said, I loved her telling Figgins he had no proof of anything.

- I would love to see Sue on vacation terrorizing people in the tropics.

- Loved Will’s reactions as he listened to the club through the phone.

- I like the idea of Emma and Will together, but I’m still a little bugged by the fact that they both had feelings for each other while Will was still with his supposedly pregnant wife. I want to like them more than I do, but that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The scenes with them together were very good.

- Emma’s wedding dress reminded me of one of the dresses my sister designed/made while she was in college.

- I think it’s incredibly stupid of the producers (or whoever makes these decisions) to have the show off the air until April. I think it would have made sense to stretch the episodes out, maybe finish them up in February and then take a month or so off. But taking over three months off when you have a loyal fan base willing to watch the show? Don’t give me that American Idol is going to be on bullshit – You can find somewhere else in your schedule for it, and I actually think pairing the show with American Idol makes some sense (get me straight: I loathe American Idol, but I understand that the same people who watch Glee might also watch the Ryan Secreast tool/douchebag hour). I’m considering giving the producers a kitty cat and then punching them in the face.

Intestinal Paranoia

2009-12-08T15:12:00.000-08:00

I’ve decided that there should be a rule that if you’re exposed to an illness, you should know whether you’re going to get sick or not. Tim has stomach flu vs. food poisoning (and while we’re at it, can we find a way to better distinguish between these?) and I’ve been nervous since Monday morning. Every time I burp or my stomach twinges (which is quite often, especially considering the whole IBS thing), I’m convinced that I’m getting sick. I don’t want to be sick at all, but if I’m going to be, I’d like to know when and where. If someone could say, “Laura, you’re going to want to be in the vicinity of a bathroom around 1 pm on Wednesday,” I would at least be somewhat relieved. I’d know that I should get any vital tasks done right away and take the day off. And if someone were to say, “Laura, this whole thing is going to pass you by, go ahead and eat that enchilada,” even better.

Not that I currently want an enchilada. My appetite went down a couple of hours before I got the fateful stomach flu vs. food poisoning phone call and it hasn’t quite returned. My appetite does this from time to time, so I’m left wondering if this is (a) normal, (b) started off normal and has been perpetuated by the intestinal paranoia, (c) is a mild form of what Tim has, or (d) is the beginning of what Tim has.

I think this is the only time when it’s acceptable to wish that your husband had food poisoning.

This is what flu anxiety does to you. That’s why the illness rule needs to come into effect. I’m not asking for information about life threatening conditions, I just need to know if my stomach really hurts or if it’s just my brain talking.

Laura's TV Round-Up, Week 11

2009-12-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

1. The Amazing Race – I usually don’t watch it because it annoys Tim and I don’t like watching it online for some reason, but I caught some of it this week. I came in on the part where they were doing the word jumble, and I solved it in about three seconds. I cannot believe the Globetrotter team took a four hour penalty because they couldn’t figure it out. He knew the first letter was “F” and there were only four other letters, so he should have just kept trying combinations till he worked it out, because doing that would have had to take less time than four hours.

2. House – I know I said I was done, but HIMYM was in reruns, I had a screaming headache and I just wanted to stare off at something familiar. Only problem with commenting on this episode is that I missed about 10-15 minutes in the middle when I was picking Tim up from class, but I still thought the episode was pretty decent. I think the reason I enjoyed it was because it didn’t center around House, and as evidenced by previous posts, I am sick of socially retarded, friendship bashing, relationship screwing, no moral compass, woe is me I’m in so much pain and no one likes me but wait I don’t care but wait I do care, oh wait that reminds me of something that ultimately leads to my patient’s diagnosis at 8:51 House. Wilson I like. Wilson I can deal with right now. But what’s up with characters on medical shows donating part of their liver? Robert Sean Leonard couldn’t possibly have a pregnancy to hide like Ellen Pompeo.

3. Scrubs – I can only comment on the first episode and the first five minutes of the second episode, but I’m still a little torn on this. The episode that was supposed to be the series finale was so strong that having episodes to follow it (especially with JD back) almost feels cheap. That being said, it was better than I thought it would be, though I’m curious if they ever explained the absence of the other characters – Carla, the Janitor, Ted, etc. Did they even say what Elliot was up to aside from being pregnant (and I wonder if they would have put that in if the actress wasn’t pregnant in real life....at least they didn’t make her donate her liver to someone). I was happy with the return of “Guy Love” and I was really excited to see Wendell of the Miller High Life being a security guard catching JD as he fell out of a tree. I loved those commercials, and I loved him even more when he showed up to a 2007 Indians-Red Sox playoff game with a sign that said “Living the High Life with Wendell and the Tribe”. In short, I think I’ll watch another episode or two and see how I feel.

4. Glee – I really liked what was going on in this episode plot-wise, though I wasn’t a huge fan of the majority of the music used in this episode. The exception to that was the use of “Smile” at the end, because it’s been a favorite of mine for a long time. I really liked that while everyone was smiling and happy in the yearbook photo, it wasn’t a happy ending. I feel like too many episodes have put a smiley face stamp on the end of them by just saying “here’s the Glee kids singing an upbeat song even though nothing’s really resolved,” so I appreciated there being a little bit of depression in the air. Other thoughts:

- Thank goodness at least one of the lying pregnancy storylines has been resolved. I was afraid Will was going to buy yet another lie from his wife and was pleasantly surprised when she was revealed. I understand what Emma was saying to defend Terrie and that she wasn’t condoning what she had done, but I still don’t think Emma’s come so far that she would say that. I’m really afraid Will still winds up with his wife, at least for awhile.

- Finally we can see a little bit of a pregnancy belly on Quinn. If she was far enough along to know it was a girl like five episodes ago, she really should have been showing back then. I really hope the Puck as a father reveal happens next week. Please.

- I like the whole idea of Will not being able to go to sectionals with them. But I hate that there were a few possible outs – For one, Quinn could have revealed Sue and screwed the yearbook photo altogether. Two, Will could have just paid for the mattress he slept on. There’s probably a third out, but I don’t want to waste more brain power on a tv show right now.

- Sue yelling “it’s over” in Will’s face was a little too typical villain for me. Like she should have been twirling a mustache or something.

5. Monk – I’ve only seen a handful of episodes, but for some reason I felt compelled to watch the series finale. And it was awful. The pacing was horrible, the revelation of the killer happened too soon, the “twist” was obvious, and there was a new song by Randy Newman. Which means it was every song by Randy Newman with new lyrics. Not to sound like my husband, but that reminds me of those two sketches from Family Guy...which I’d link to if they hadn’t been taken off of You Tube. That somehow makes me even more pissed at Monk.

Laura's TV Round-Up, Week 10

2009-11-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

1. HIMYM – I only wish that there was more than just one slap left. Hopefully their will somehow be a loophole allowing extra slaps to be given. If they really made a slap bet board game, I’d totally buy it. I actually think Alexis, Katy and I already played the Slap Bet game at Merry Arts a few weeks ago, but it wasn’t a game so much as we just started slapping each other. I also wouldn’t mind playing “Diseases,” but I have a feeling that it wouldn’t be medically accurate and might lead to me being angry about it.

Was distracted by the following:
- Lily’s wig in flashback scenes. Though I appreciate having her hair match the style it would have been then, someone needed to take her wig and slide it back to the proper place on her head.
- Robin’s outfit. I feel like the costumers have been putting her in very unflattering clothing this season, and apparently my uncle agrees. We understand that she just had a baby, but it seems like they could be putting her in better outfits
- How such a large turkey was cooked so quickly. And also how they were still eating it even after it had been attacked by lead based paint and horse bile

2. Glee – I’m perplexed at how much I enjoy this show despite being so bothered by it….

Can’t full enjoy:
- Will because even though his wife isn’t actually pregnant, he still thinks she is and is flirting with Emma.
- Emma because she’s an idiot who’s marrying someone she’s not in love with and flirting with a married man
- Terri because she’s an idiot faking her pregnancy
- Quinn because she’s lying to Finn, can’t understand why Puck would move on and still feels like the whole world is out to get her.
- Finn because he’s really really dumb. And try as I might, I don’t like his singing voice the majority of the time
- Puck because the writers wanted to turn him into a jackass and make him only like Quinn for sex
- Mercedes because I’m still mad at her for dismissing Puck’s confession last week.

Other notes:
- Seriously, did they get rid of that list of approved songs given by the principal?
- Why did the guys need wigs?
- Liked the deaf school’s number, but like I told my family, Napoleon Dynamite kind of ruined sign language set to song for me
- Sue is back!
- I hate “True Colors”
- And once again, just how many numbers are they performing?

Laura's TV Round Up, Week 9

2009-11-23T05:34:00.000-08:00

1. House – I watched HIMYM live and meant to watch House online the next day only to find that Fox won’t let you watch House online till 8 days after the original broadcast. This is stupid on so many different levels, so I read the synopsis of the episode, which also sounded stupid on so many different levels. I don’t really care for Cameron, but she deserves a better exit than that. Why marry the two only to have them split a handful of episodes later? Why not have her get a job at another hospital? I might be done with this show.

2. HIMYM – Another solid episode. Loved the playbook, loved Barney’s winking, loved “you sonofabitch,” loved that even though the punch line of the scuba diver was obvious from the start, it still was funny. Cannot wait to celebrate another Slapsgiving. I really want Ranjit to be there.

3. Glee – No Sue? I’m filing a formal complaint. Rachel’s crush and the subsequent use of her for cleaning/making dinner were funny. I felt a twinge of sympathy for Quinn when her parents kicked her out, but that was only because I forgot she was a lying bitch for a second there. Finn’s mom is awesome and I want her to hook up with Kurt’s dad so Kurt and Finn can be awkward stepbrothers. Hate, hate, hate, hated Mercedes’ reaction to Puck’s confession. It seemed completely out of character for her to support Finn staying with Quinn just because “she chose him” and it was obvious it was done just to drag the storyline out a little bit longer (which I do not appreciate). I hate “Lean on Me” so I didn’t even watch the end of the episode. I really want Puck, Kurt and Sue to have their own show. When I have my own network, it can follow the Taye Diggs Shirtless Hour.

4. Modern Family – This show is normally so funny that it didn’t really need Edward Norton and Elizabeth Banks to guest star, but I’ll allow it.

5. Grey’s Anatomy – I don’t understand why this show feels the need to cram so much time into one episode. It feels really rushed, not to mention weird to go through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s in an episode that airs a week before Thanksgiving. Did anyone else find the Christmas music to be really distracting? Not just the fact that it was out of place so early in the year, but it seemed like the volume of it was too loud for the scenes it was playing over. Hated Bailey’s disapproving father and would like someone to have a normal parent who behaves appropriately. I would have liked the patient storylines if they had each been in their own episode, but together was sloppy and made it feel like the writers were convincing us that these were very important people with heart wrenching stories that we needed to love immediately. Would have been better to see them over several episodes and not just this one. Hate Sloane’s daughter, and am very confused why her mother would name her after the man who gave her a couple hundred bucks and was never seen again after learning she was pregnant. And why would Joe call Meredith to pick up drunk Chief and not, say, the Chief’s wife who might actually do a damn thing about the drinking? I’m glad this show isn’t on again till January. It needs to take a time out and think about what it’s done.

The Summer I Was An Old Lady

2009-11-22T05:33:00.000-08:00

Abbey’s comment on my last post reminded me of the summer I was an old lady*. It was 2006 and I just had knee surgery (my fourth, actually) and had to stay off of my left leg for about eight weeks. The only exercise I was permitted to do was swimming, so I joined the Westlake YMCA to use their indoor pool (reason: Lakewood’s Y was closed for the summer and outdoor pools are generally filled with splashy kids who are more likely to urinate in the pool, plus there are fewer lap lanes).

About five days a week, I would get up from my cross-stitching project (the no weight bearing thing made it impossible to get a job) and drive out to Westlake. For convenience purposes, I usually changed into my bathing suit beforehand and put a pair of shorts and a t-shirt over it. I would gimp in, give them my ID and go to the pool area. Here, I’d sit down on a bench, strip down to my bathing suit, take off my glasses and set my crutches aside. Because the bench was a few feet from the pool itself and the deck area was too wet for crutches, I’d scoot over on my butt, till I could make it into the water. I was quite possibly the most graceful thing the Westlake Y has ever seen.

My pool companions were typically as follows:
1. One to two business-like looking men who did speedy laps on their lunch breaks or before heading to the office in the morning
2. A fat older gentlemen, who was either doing some physical therapy or just liked walking up and down the incline that occurs when the pool changes depths.
3. Old men who were doing medium speed laps, who looked like they had possibly been in the Navy back in their day
4. Old women who did laps so slow they looked like their arms were part of a synchronized swimming team
5. An old woman, in her swim cap, her make-up done perfectly, who bobbed on a noodle at all times, with her face always out of the water

After I was done, I’d hobble out, dry off, and go to the locker room. There, I was in a sea of naked old ladies. Old ladies have apparently reached the conclusion that they aren’t getting any younger, it’s annoying to hold a towel up or put on some pants while you dry your hair, and even if they don’t have it anymore, by god, they are going to flaunt it anyhow. They’ll walk up and down the locker room naked. They’ll comb their hair right next to your locker for five minutes naked. They’ll have conversations with each other about how she and her husband Elmer are going to have KFC for dinner tonight. They are old ladies, dammit, and they will not wear pants. I may have been an old lady on crutches that summer, but I was an old lady on crutches that put on her clothes as soon as possible. And that, my friends, made the difference.

*I know that I actually am an old lady most of the time, as evidenced by my recurrent knee problems, glasses wearing, puzzle doing, tea drinking, cat having tendencies and the ability to talk about bowel function at the drop of a hat. That summer just elevated it to a whole new level.

Progesterone and Thongs

2009-11-17T05:32:00.000-08:00

I don’t care how perfect your ass is. I don’t want to see it sticking out of your thong for five minutes while you read a magazine in the gym locker room. Could you just not wait to read that article? When your pants came off, you just had to see what the eight Twilight-inspired hair and makeup tricks were? Put your gym shorts on. Actually, put some underwear on before you get on the elliptical, because it seems like that thong might be uncomfortable.

One might state that I’m annoyed because I do not have an ass that looks perfect in a thong. I’m not being little miss poor self esteem here. My ass is one of those asses that looks good in jeans, it just requires fabric to look awesome, that’s all. I’m just saying, even if I had a naked-butt thong-wearing perfect ass, I still wouldn’t sit near the entrance of the locker room reading Allure.

In other news, I hate progesterone. It makes me feel like a raging blob (you would think those two things would not go together, but they do) and my face has turned into a zit. Well, actually, a series of zits. My face feels like Braille. I’m conflicted what to do, because if I go to the neurologist, I’m pretty sure they’ll say I can’t have estrogen. And I do have to admit that I’ve had fewer headaches since going off of it. But I really really hate progesterone. Stupid ovaries and fallopian tubes and uterus. The face stuff I got from the dermatologist better smooth things out. I know I’m using very technical terms here.

Don’t care, I’m off the clock. Which actually isn’t going to stop me from working on my paper, so I’m going to shower and get to it. And after I shower, I’m putting on pants and not reading Allure in a thong.

Laura's TV Round Up, Week 8

2009-11-16T05:31:00.000-08:00

1. House - This was probably the best episode of the season, and even though that's not saying much based on the other episodes, it was good enough. If nothing else, this episode began to resolve some issues - Chase finally confessed that he was a James Earl Jones-killer to Cameron, and House made a move on (and failed with) Cuddy. Showing some respect for Wilson was a big step as well. I kept saying I wanted the private detective back and while I'm not sure if I want him back in this context, I'm willing to give it a shot. Even the patient of the week was somewhat interesting.

2. HIMYM - This was definitely the best episode of the season, hands down. And I'm not just saying that because Barney and Robin broke up (though it certainly didn't hurt). It involved all of the characters equally, I loved the stake out in the not-van including Alan Thicke (and the return of CrazyMeg - I love when they bring things back from past episodes), and had the promise of Barney discovering the tape of the Alan Thicke-Robin Sparkles variety hour. Unleash the Kraken!

3. Glee
- Quinn Fabre must die – That’s nice, yell at the guy you’re pretending is the father of your baby for not making any money, then dismiss any money the actual father of your baby is providing (I don’t mean the money he stole at the end from the bake sale, but at least take the eighteen dollars he offered earlier, it’s a start). Initially I thought she should wind up with Puck, but now I think he’s way too good for her. Even with his douchebag hair.

- Rachel Barry is Idina Menzel – Her performance of “Defying Gravity” this week further confirms my suspicions that the Glee producers took Idina Menzel and placed her in a box that transformed her into a high school student. If this is the case, does that make Taye Diggs available? If not, I think Idina Menzel should show up as Rachel’s biological mother.

- Sue Sylvester has a soul/Wheels – I liked the overall message that these storylines were sending, I felt like the execution might have been a little too after school special for me. It just seemed like the writers suddenly decided that Sue was going to have that sister, not something they’ve been planning all along. I’m interested to see where this goes. I thought this episode was an interesting reply to all of the backlash they’ve gotten about casting a non-wheelchair-bound actor for Artie’s part.

- Kurt is my favorite – And I love that there is a gay character on tv with a fully supportive fathe. I adore them.

- And by the way – I find it hard to believe that one (if not both) of the members of the diva-off didn’t insist that the “Defying Gravity” solo include the ending with “so if you care to find me, look to the western sky…” – That is every diva’s chill-inducing dream part.

4. Grey’s Anatomy – The writers clearly want us to hate Izzie because she acts like a bitch and has no logic behind her actions. I hate to be supporting another failed relationship/marriage on that show, but really, Alex is better than all of this. I really wish that the new cardio surgeon didn’t have a connection to Hunt, because I have no interest in going through another love triangle. I’m sick of love triangles. If you want relationship drama, draw from something else, and with his history of PTSD, you have plenty to draw from. I did not see the Chief falling off the wagon storyline coming and I thought the reveal of club soda being vodka was done well. I could have done without the Bailey/Adele thinks he’s having an affair plot (though I loved gossip Callie and Mark) and wasn’t particularly fond of all the flashbacks he had while drinking (I think it would have been more powerful without them). I am curious though – Who knows that the Chief is a former alcoholic? I think Derek does, and I’m pretty sure Meredith knows, but is anyone else on staff aware of this?

5. Private Practice – I saw the first few minutes of this, then watched it online the next day with the hope that Taye Diggs might take off his shirt. He didn’t, but it was an okay episode just the same. I appreciated there not being a happy ending for the car crash people, though I thought it would be the husband that died and not the wife. I don’t even want to discuss the kissing at the end of the episode. This episode had an actress who had previously been on Grey’s Anatomy (the bride was one of the friends of the chief’s sick niece [which by the way, what happened to her?] a few seasons ago) and that annoys me a bit. If you’re going to insist that all these characters live in the same world and have crossovers, you shouldn’t have actors playing different people between the shows. This isn’t the first time – I know Kellie Martin was a battered woman on Private Practice, but she was a hippie’s sister on Grey’s. There have to be other examples of this too, and it just bugs me for some reason.

6. Project Runway – I didn’t watch this, but I saw promos for it and it bothers me that (at least according to this promo) the designers don’t expect that they’ll have to create an additional look for their collection when they get there. It’s happened several seasons and you should be prepared for that possibility, even if someone swears to you that it’s not going to happen because it is totally going to happen. That is all.

Laura's TV Round Up, Week 7

2009-11-09T05:30:00.000-08:00

1. House, Glee – Fucking Yankees. That is all.

2. HIMYM – I continue to be disappointed by the writers cutting back Ted’s storylines to give room for the Barney/Robin relationship that still doesn’t mesh. Honestly, I was hopeful that their fighting might led to a break-up because I still don’t feel these two as a couple and the writers are doing nothing else to convince me. The bagpipe joke became grating as the episode went on, and I hated that there was no real resolution in Barney and Robin’s fighting. Marshall was the highlight of this episode, and I could have used more one-liners from his fight with Lily (“my mother is neutral about you”). I enjoyed the use of slap-bet (which is new favorite game of drunkAlexis, by the way), but overall this episode was lacking something.

3. V – I figured I’d try something new, but I got bored and turned it off. It’s just as well, because I really don’t have the time for another show. Now I just wish they’d move one of my Monday or Wednesday shows to Tuesday so I didn’t have to watch them online later.

4. Modern Family – Continue to love, but I don’t know if anyone reading this actually watches it, so I’ll refrain from further commentary.

5. Grey’s Anatomy – For the most part, I liked this episode. Arizona has really developed as a character since she was introduced last season, and this episode further solidified it. Callie was a little dumb for throwing a surprise party on the day of her girlfriend’s most important surgery to date, but aside from that, the two of them are an enjoyable and for the most part, believable couple. Callie has always been one of my favorites, so it’s nice to see her happy, and with someone who (apparently) loves her. Owen and Cristina bug somewhat. Izzie, as always, annoys, and I’m not happy to see her back in the previews. And the scene with the three couples congregating for breakfast in the morning seemed a little over the top for me. A little too Friends-like for me. I think I would have believed it more if it was limited to Callie-Arizona and Mark-Lexie. Definitely an improvement.

6. Project Runway – In television, one day you’re in and the next day you’re out. I have to leave my apartment by seven most Friday mornings and this show simply does not outweigh the benefits of an extra hour of sleep. Auf wiedersehen, Project Runway. I’ll try again next season.

Laura's TV Round Up, Week 6

2009-11-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

1. HIMYM, House, Glee - All weren't on this week, so I don't need to comment on them. Except I'm still pissed off about House's level of suckage this season. And my mom agrees with me on the whole not believing Robin/Barney thing. Oh, and while I was at a shopping center on Friday, they played the Glee version of "Somebody to Love," so that was enjoyable.

2. Modern Family - If you have twenty minutes to spare and need a laugh, I highly recommend watching this episode online. The only thing that bothered me was that this week they had the kids on their first day of school when last week they had the kids established in school (and no reference of summer inbetween). Okay, maybe I was a little bothered by the voiceover at the end too, but it was funny enough that I can look over it.

3. Grey's Anatomy - What was that shit? It was a good idea, but seriously, Derek stares at a tumor for ten hours? He draws it on the wall of his bedroom in permanent marker? He goes over twenty four hours awake during the same procedure? And we're supposed to believe that Issac's been here all along and everyone loves him? I'm fine with having a Derek-centered episode. I'm fine with the operaiton on something that is supposedly inoperable. But do it well. Do it more accurately. And if the cast is going to care so much about a person, make it someone we've seen many times before, because I do not remember this guy at all and I'm pretty sure I've seen just about every episode of this show. Having Izzie not show up for chemo made it all the more insulting that George died in order to balance out her living. And let me say something else - It really pisses me off that Derek and Meredith still aren't legally married, I'm sick of the whole post-it note wedding bullshit. They clearly had a marriage license because they were planning on getting married till about two hours before the ceremony. Not sure what the regulations are in their state, but in Ohio, you have to use it within a given time or else it's no longer valid. We already know that time passed inbetween the wedding and the season finale, then the premiere covered forty days. If you're going to have them stay unmarried and living together and having kids, etc, that's fine - Just don't pretend they're married because a post-it note said it.

4. Project Runway - I didn't watch it because I was tired and had to get up early and couldn't justify staying up for something that was most likely going to be annoying and pointless, so I didn't. And I didn't feel like watching it online either. So I looked at the pictures of the outfits and read someone's two paragraph recap, and that'll have to suffice for this week. At least Logan's gone. And once again, Mike you may take it away.

Fun With Sky Mall

2009-10-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

I was stuck in the airport all day Wednesday and by the time I boarded my thrice delayed plane, it was after 8 pm and I was starting to get sleepy. I didn't want to nap that late at night, so I devised a way to stay awake: Look at the ridiculous things in the Sky Mall catalog. These are my findings....

- Canine Genealogy Kit ($59.95) - DNA swab that recognizes 63 breeds

- The Only Portable Microwave Oven ($299.95) - Weighs 16 lb

- The Telekinetic Obstacle Course ($99.95) - use your mind to move objects! Or just use your mind and realize that this won't work and save yourself one hundred dollars.

- The Marshmallow Shooter ($24.95) - "shoots sweet edible minature marshmallows over 30' and - unlike other marshmallow blasters - it comes with an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy"; marshmallows not included

- The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer ($29.95) - I doubt this actually does what it says it does, but I really like it's name.

- The Automatic Marshmallow Bazooka ($49.95) - In case the Marshmallow Shooter didn't have enough oomph for you, we have the marshmallow bazooka. You'll be comforted to know that this one also comes with an LED light

- The Voice Activated R2D2 ($189.95) - It's pretty ridiculous, but if you want a ridiculous Star Wars character in your house, this isn't an entirely bad price.

- The Slanket ($37.99) - A snuggie rip-off that's more expensive and just as douchey

- The Cell Phone Watch ($269.99) - "is perfect for anyone who needs to have their hands-free". Also perfect for those who have never heard of blue tooth and want to wear a ginormous watch

- For about $39.99, you can insert your name in a picture of a MLB team, a movie poster, in the sand or on a Vegas marquee

- For around $19.99, you can insert your name in a radio broadcast of a previous world series or super bowl. Because that will make you cool.

- Forest Faces ($19.99) - Honor your favorite sports team by creeping the local children out!

- The Solafeet Foot Tanner ($299.99) - "rid yourself of those ugly sock tan lines forever!"; all you have to do is put your feet in this contraption, and you'll be "pale to tan in just 5 to 10 days"...Yes, 5 to 10 days, not minutes. Essentially enough time to go outside and get rid of those tan lines yourself. For free.

- Covertiques ($19.99) - adhere to your skin to cover up cleavage, includes 3 colors (black, beige and white)

- The Relaxing Magic, Water Saving 2 Minute and Pure Fun Magic Showerheads ($49.99-59.99) - These showerheads have LED lights allowing you to change your water's color, and "creates an experience that can feel as enjoyable and relaxing as being in a spa". I've never been in a spa, but I don't think they have colored lights. And actually, I think lights changing color would put me on edge. As would the fact that I spent fifty dollars on a shower light

- Yet another dog DNA test - This one costs $124.99, so I'm assuming it's better

- Truck Antlers ($24.99) - In case your truck didn't look white trashy enough, these will help ensure that everyone notices what a red neck you are

- Kneeling Santa Yard Display ($129.99) - "expresses the true focus of Christmas". Just because you have Jesus in it, it doesn't make it about the true focus of Christmas. Especially when Santa is the one kneeling over him. And lights up. For 130 dollars.

- A Taser ($349.95) - because "personal safety starts with taser"!

- Spirit of Nottingham Woods ($19.95) - This product wraps around your tree to further creep people the fuck out.

- Box of Applause or Box of Laughter ($24.95) - for people who have to have their ego reinforced so much that they need to buy a box that applauds or laughs every time they open it

- Shape Up Pads ($19.95 for 1 pair, $29.95 for 2 pairs) - butt pads! You can buy butt pads while you're on an airplane! Butt pads!

- And for those who just can't decide, there's a selection of Sky Mall gift cards!

Flight Delay

2009-10-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

Have I ever blogged in an airport before? No , I have not. The only reason I am now is because my flight has been delayed for the second time (originally 4:15, then 5:30, now 6:40) and I'm hoping it's not delayed again because I'd like to get home at some point tonight. I know I could pretend I was on the Amazing Race and sleep in the airport, but I'd like to avoid that if at all possible. You would think it would be easier to fly from Philadelphia to Cincinnati.

I've liked airports since I was little, and I thought it'd be interesting to live in an airport long before Tom Hanks ever did it. Then again, I was seven at the time, but there is something fun about airports.I like seeing what artwork and design styles the airport uses. I like seeing what’s been invented since the last time I traveled – For instance, in the Cincinnati airport they have a machine with a bunch of different cords coming out of it where you can charge your phone for a fee.

One of my favorite airport pastimes (actually, you can play this in the comfort of your own hometown, if you so desire) is to see how much the pads and tampons cost. In Cleveland, they’re free but you have to press a button. In Charlotte, they’re out in a little basket along with mints and other toiletries (yes, I did take a mint from them). Philadelphia is the same as Cleveland. I went to the bathroom in Cincinnati, but there was a cleaning woman so I couldn't investigate (plus I didn't check any luggage, so I was lugging a thousand pounds of crap). If they’re free, I don’t take them just to take them in fear that I’ll get bad period/tampon karma and next time I really need one and don’t have one, all my money will be gone or I’ll be traveling with only boys. You don’t want bad period/tampon karma, let me tell you.

Laura's TV Round Up, Week 5

2009-10-25T05:23:00.000-07:00

1. HIMYM - I would have liked this episode a lot better if Lily hadn't joined in on the road trip. I found Tantrum to be hilarious (and very similar to Tim when he has two cups of coffee in him), and I liked the use of 500 miles again, but everything else just seemed like wasted potential. Am I the only one being a sourpuss about this season? I feel like I might be.

2. House - Wake me up when something worthwhile happens. I don't care that Chase killed Darth Vadar. I don't care that House hears voices oh wait no he doesn't, he wants Cuddy oh no he doesn't. Fucking do something already. And you should have had your ass sued for making up a medical condition and giving sugar pills.

3. Modern Family – caught it online, so the part where it slowed down/skipped in the middle was annoying, but I really can’t fault the show for that since it was computer related. Not the best episode that I’ve seen, but it was still pretty funny. I would totally go gay for Cameron. Or actually have a sex change, then go gay for Cameron. And for you non-watchers, it’s not because he’s attractive (like my future second husband Taye Diggs), it’s because he’s funny as hell.

4. Glee – This episode just bothered me. The Slushie war concept was funny but then overused. It was initially nice to hear Will sing again, but then weird and overused (it will never be okay for a teacher to sing the lines “wish you could sex her” in front of his students). Emma’s storyline bugs because she knows exactly what she was getting herself into and still keeps going for the married guy (who keeps leading her on, and come on, he knows it). Liked Puck and Rachel together because Quinn and Finn are stupid. Mad that Quinn was shocked to be fired from the Cheerios (seriously, pregnant people can’t do sports like activity). Glad that Terri was absent, but that means Will still doesn’t know about the pseudo-pregnancy. Happy Sue scared me, but her evil turn complete with the kitty-cat/punch you line was the best part of the evening. And the close-ups during “I Could Have Danced All Night” really freaked me out. A lot.

5. Grey’s Anatomy – This was the best episode of the season. Kudos to you for being the only thing I really enjoyed this week. It was fast paced, interesting, and I didn’t even mind the Mercy Westers being around. I diagnosed the woman at the very beginning, and we all know how important it is for me to feel intelligent. Continue to hate Izzie’s behavior (they could have easily had a more plausible reason for her time off). I really didn’t mind some of the characters being in the background of the episode – I think the show too often makes the mistake of trying to cram too many people and storylines into one episode, and this time it didn’t.

6. Project Runway – I don’t even want to fucking talk about it. Lifetime has killed the damn show, or at least that’s what I’m going to blame. There is talent in the group, but none of the remaining contestants have a fraction of the ability of the people in past seasons. I feel like it would have been a better show of talent if they had taken all the people who were eliminated first and second in previous seasons and made them the contestants. There’s no rhyme or reason to who goes home and who stays. Mediocre people are here for no apparent reason. I’m angry they got rid of Epperson, Ra’mon and Shirin so this crap could continue to parade around. Hell, I’d even take the crazy bird with an egg designer back at this point. I’m bored, but I’m outraged too and those things do not go well together.

Boring Glory

2009-10-20T15:38:00.001-07:00

I wrote this yesterday and our internet crapped out at home, so I didn't post it. Here it is now, in its boring glory.

I think I wandered into an empty beer can hunt on my walk to work this morning. There were cans on the fire hydrant, next to a mailbox, even on the lowermost tree branch, hidden in that subtly obvious way that an adult hides easter eggs for a four year old. I really hope no candy was inside the cans. I am completely exhausted - I've been having allergy and sinus problems for the past few weeks and it's really become annoying. I even self-treated myself last week with antibiotics which didn't really seem to help matters. Now I'm having this on-off throat pain and seem to be coughing up some lovely things intermittently. I am a beautiful lovely creature.

I'm going to be traveling for work next week to the exotic land of Philadelphia. It's for the clinical trial I'm working on. I fly out Monday morning, have a meet & greet that night, have a series of meetings/lectures all Tuesday and Wednesday morning, and get back Wednesday evening. Just about everything is being paid for me, which makes me feel like a whore, but a whore that is saving money. Apparently a chauffeur is going to meet me in baggage claim with a sign with my last name on it. Would it be unprofessional to ask to keep the sign?

On my way home from work, I noticed two pairs of pants in the top of a public trash can. I couldn't see them in their entirety (nor was I going to touch them in order to see them), but it made me wonder why someone suddenly needs to throw away two pairs of pants in a public trash can. I'm assuming it's one person, because the idea of two people lining up to throw their pants in the garbage one after the other is a little too absurd for me.

Laura's TV Round-Up, Week Four:

2009-10-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

1. House – I continue to be extremely bored with this season. I know we’re supposed to be on our toes about the Chase killing James Earl Jones thing, but it just comes off as clunky to me. Thirteen’s plot was useless and just made me wish we could see Taub instead (please tell me he’s coming back at some point). I think my main issue is after the first episode which was House-centric, we really haven’t seen too much of him and I think that’s a mistake. I’m starting to wonder if the writers aren’t sure how to go about his progress, so they’re just keeping his role to a minimum for now.

2. How I Met Your Mother – This was probably my favorite episode of the season so far, but I’m still not satisfied. I enjoy seeing Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney, but the show keeps straying too far from its purpose, which is to tell how Ted met the mother. So far this season, we’ve had him trolling around the bar and making one mention of the mother and that doesn’t really do it for me. Maybe I’m just being a grouch, but I would feel better if I knew that the writers had a definite plan for when and how the mother is going to come into play – Kind of how back when I watched Lost, it was comforting to know that the show has a definite end and there’s a plan. I’m not saying that I want the show to end any time soon, I just need something to keep me going and that something better not be “your mother was over here, but wait then…” and have them turn the camera. Like I said, I’m sick of that. I need a yellow umbrella or something here. I think part of my problem is that I still don’t buy Barney and Robin as a couple, but I don’t feel like getting into that right now. Oh, and “Cat Funeral” is my new favorite song.

3. Glee – I want to have Jane Lynch’s sarcastic babies. Her, plus the scene of the football players carrying Artie in his wheelchair up the stairs in order to storm out were the redeeming things in this episode. I just have issues with a few things:
(a) Quinn’s “Keep Me Hangin On” and the “sightread” of “Hate On Me” – I get that this show is essentially a musical, but for the most part they’ve done a pretty good job of making it seem more natural – The only times we’ve seen people sing are during glee club practices or performances, or in things like karaoke where people would normally be singing. Quinn breaks out into song on the stairwell/during cheerleading practice with a bunch of jocks and cheerios backing her up in vocals and dance? I get the purpose of the number, but it seemed to break the rule they’ve been following all along. As for “Hate On Me” it was just so clearly not their first time running the song, and I feel like they could have had those scenes and established that they’d already been working on it.
(b) All the songs and other moments where the show wants us to feel bad for Quinn – She’s a pregnant teenager who has to give up her baby and is going to be socially ruined by this fact, that’s sad. But I can’t feel for a character who has her boyfriend believe that he’s the father of her baby and is dragging him down with her. And if she’s planning on giving up the baby for adoption anyway, why even bother lying to Finn? Her rationale for not being with Puck is that he wouldn’t be a good father to the baby – If no one’s going to be the true father anyway, why not come clean? I know, the whole further social disgrace and wanting to keep Finn thing, but seriously, no sympathy. And the sonographer telling Quinn that it’s virtually impossible to have nothing wrong with her baby since she’s so young kind of rubbed me the wrong way, because that’s not necessarily true.
(c) Stupid Terri – And really, stupid Will and stupid Terri’s sister and stupid obstetrician at this point. I hate hate hate hate hate the fake pregnancy storyline. Will’s reaction to the ultrasound was really touching, but everything is so marred by this inane storyline. I want it over and I want it over now.
(d) I don’t have anything else to complain about, I just wanted to use this opportunity to mention my Jane Lynch love again. When she made the comment about not liking Will’s curly hair because she keeps imagining birds laying eggs in it, I laughed so hard that the cats looked at me really weird. Like they do a lot.

4. Modern Family - Still not caught up. Maybe some other time

5. Flashforward – Watched a tiny bit, but then Mack and I got distracted by Brenda Dickson and Literal Music videos. Flashforward, I think we need to stop seeing each other. It's not you, it's me. Well, it's a little bit you, what with your inability to trust the viewer and having to remind us every minute and a half what everyone's flashforward was. But other than that, it's me.

6. Grey’s Anatomy - Meh. I enjoyed the scenes with Callie/Arizona/Callie's father and I'm glad there's finally some closure on that. I thought hospital bed-bound Meredith was hilarious, and I appreciate whoever thought to braid the one strand of her hair, because you know she'd be bored enough to be braiding tiny pieces of her hair. Aside from that, it still remains to be disappointing. Everyone's behavior was atrocious towards each other, and I'm not just talking about the Mercy West people (speaking of which, the only one I like so far is the tackling guy). I really enjoyed Izzie being fired, probably more than I should, but it seems like she'll find a way to get back in the hospital (not sure if it'll happen as a doctor or as a patient, though). I really don't buy her leaving Alex. I can understand her writing a note saying "I have to get away for a little bit, I'll call," but flat out leaving made no sense. And I'm still ticked off that she's in such good shape. There's no way she'd be able to be that healthy...Also if she's still on chemo, she should probably be avoiding places with high germ traffic.

7. Private Practice - I didn't intend on watching this, but it picked up where the kidney transplant patient storyline picked up, plus there was Taye Diggs. So I watched it and it was okay. My main complaint has to do with the fact that Taye Diggs tried to kiss Bailey and she didn't kiss back. If Taye Diggs says he's going to kiss you, you kiss him. If Taye Diggs asks you to bury a body in your backyard, you do it.

8. Project Runway - Why did so many people design long dresses for Christina Aguilera? She doesn't strike me as a floor length dress person in the first place, plus they were supposed to be designing something for her to wear on stage. This group was disappointing as a whole for this challenge, and really they haven't been that great this season. When someone gives you Christina Aguilera, have some fun with it. I wish Chris March and Christian would have been around for this challenge, because they would have rocked that shit. I still despise Irina, and her bitchery is not in line with her talent. At least with Christian (a) his comments were actually funny and (b) he was actually good. Irina has a bit of talent, but I'm fairly underwhelmed.

Laura's TV Round-Up, Week Three:

2009-10-12T15:34:00.000-07:00

1. How I Met Your Mother - This is the first time I've watched this showed "live" this season and maybe it made a difference. I also wasn't doing pilates while watching it, so perhaps that's responsible too, but this has been my favorite episode of the season so far. However, I still don't feel like they're doing their best. Maybe I watched too many episodes this summer, but I feel like something's missing. Is there not enough Marshall? Do Robin and Barney feel strained? Am I still getting used to the actresses not being hidden behind objects to conceal their pregnancies? I'll keep watching till I figure it out.

2. House - I missed it to watch HIMYM/go to Lowe's to buy a ladder so I could change my lightbulb (stupid high ceilings) and didn't really feel like watching it online, so I read a recap. Apparently James Earl Jones guest starred as an evil dictator. Even when he's being a bad guy, I get so distracted by how awesome his voice is that I can't completely hate him. We were just talking about how awesome it would be to have James Earl Jones come over to read you the phone book, or better yet, Dr. Seuss.

3. Glee - Watched it live, so it was nice to have them not pause in the middle of a song to buffer. I liked it overall, but I'm somewhat annoyed with the whole star-crossed Emma-Will-Terri crap. I think it's because I want to like Will, but even if his wife is a psychopath who makes up pregnancies, he doesn't know that, so he either needs to cut the crap or break up with the wife. But all was made well by the fact that next week guarantees more Sue. I adore Jane Lynch. I'm a big fan of the mockumentaries that she's in and her being on television is one hundred percent awesome. I saw a rerun of the West Wing (the one with Mrs. Landingham's funeral - Yes, I know I'm obsessed) and she was totally one of the reporters. I like when I find people who currently star on a tv show in bit parts on older tv shows (like when Ted Mosby was the alderman's gay aide that Kerry killed on ER). Oh, and one more thing - did the glee club get out of that deal where they could only sing the songs on the principal's pre-approved list? I don't remember that happening, but it seems like they couldn't be singing some of the songs they are if they hadn't.

4. Modern Family - Missed it on account of watching Glee and I haven't gone online to watch it yet.

5. Grey's Anatomy - I can't comment on the 'B' plot where Mr. Walton gets a special implant because I fast forwarded over it, but I generally liked the rest of the episode. Izzie convincing Hunt to do surgery on the terminal guy (and why is a trauma surgeon operating on a cancer patient in the first place?) and having the guy die when he could have had months to live without the surgery was utterly predictable. And also, they did the "this guy shouldn't have had surgery thing" back when George's dad died. I did like Meredith's storyline and that's probably the most inventive way I've seen a show write someone off for maternity leave. I really enjoy that she's gone from hating Lexie to being willing to give up part of her liver just to save her (or "their" depending on how you look at it) father. In real life, I wonder how often surgeons wind up operating on their own surgeons...Definitely not as much as these ones do - at least six of them have been on the table before. And FYI, you probably wouldn't be able to arrange a transplant so quickly (I'm pretty sure her viral titers wouldn't have been back yet), but I'm willing to let that one slide.

6. Private Practice - I saw two seconds of this, but I just wanted to inform Mike that this episode guest starred Kellie Martin, the former star of Christy (he's obsessed)

7. Project Runway - Mike and I actually chatted through facebook during PR this week and the results were pretty entertaining. However, at the end of it, facebook wouldn't let me copy/paste the conversation so Mike may have to comment below (shucks darn). I think it's going to be easier if I just go by designer (to follow along go here):

- Althea - her outfit would have been okay with me if it had no sleeves and no belt. Even then though, it felt too reminiscent of the Macy's blue challenge. I cannot find it in my heart to support her because (a) she needs to talk about how great she is all the time, (b) her evil death headband that appears in every interview. I'm afraid it's going to take over her entire head.

- Carol Hannah - it looked like gray dryer sheets to me, but honestly, it wasn't the worst thing that happened this week and somehow it still worked

- Christopher - oh honey no. I love Christopher, but this was lousy and he should have been in the bottom two. I want him to stay, but he needed a slap on the wrist for this. And if he keeps this up, he's going to be gone soon. And if he goes, Mike may actually cry.

- Epperson - This outfit was terrible stable girl pirate wench crap, but I still wish he would have stayed. Not because the garment was good, but because I feel like he has more to offer (see his western dress from the movie genre challenge) than people like Logan and Nicholas

- Gordana - I want to buy this.

- Irina - Why is everyone so obsessed with her? This dress looks like somebody vomited on lace and wrapped it around their body. She does have some good work, but this was not it. I know she had immunity, but that doesn't mean the judges have to say they like it.

- Logan - Ugly, boring, and shoddy work. Yawn.

- Nicholas - Please go home to Marcy, sir. -

Shirin - Adorable, and I think she did a really good job of handling a difficult client.

Oh, and Mike and I want a challenge with ninjas. Or whores. Or ninja whores. The end.

There Are No Angels in America, There's Only the Political

2009-10-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

I noticed that today was national coming out day and it made me think of something I wrote many years ago. It was in 2004, shortly after the election and I was outraged that so many states had voted against gay marriage. That was five years ago, and it's depressing how little has changed. Anyway, this is my journal entry from November 3rd, 2004:

"The white cracker who wrote the national anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word "free" to a note so high nobody can reach it" - Angels in America

Eleven states were asked if gay marriage should be permitted and all of them answered with a loud resounding no. I read a girl’s away message this morning that applauded the decision of these states, claiming that moral rights have been upheld. Perhaps an ethics course would do her some good. One major point of morals is that you are to behave in a way that at the same time you can will your behavior to become a universal law. So let me come take your parent’s marriage license and your grandparent’s. Let me tell you that you have no right to marry, that your kind of love is not accepted here. You have none of the benefits, must jump through hoops to get power of attorney and other such things, not to mention that your lifestyle must be compromised because people who have never met you decided you’re not good enough to be unified in the eyes of God. Ever read Maurice Ogden? Do you remember little things like the Holocaust, civil rights and women’s suffrage? America should not be about taking rights away. Our ancestors came here to avoid persecution, and centuries later we’re persecuting our own.

It does not come down to just believing in right or wrong so much as tolerance. Just because you do not understand another person’s lifestyle it doesn’t mean you should condemn it. Read The Laramie Project, read some Kushner. Hell, read Dr. Seuss for crapsake. Look into the lessons we teach our children when they are young...To Kill a Mockingbird, Charlotte’s Web, even Horton Hears a Who. We teach our children that they should be who they feel they are inside, but now we show them that not everything is protected under “being yourself”. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? Only you if you fit the criteria.

As for the people who support civil unions, it is a step in the right direction, but I have a feeling it’s more about staying in the middle than handing out rights. If you support gay rights then stand up and give it all, do not cower in the corner with your bible and tell me about right and wrong. Want to uphold your moral standards? Then build a country whose divorce rate is under fifty percent. Don’t allow people to drunkenly get married one day and annul it the next. Here is what you do: You take two people, any two people who have built a relationship on trust, love, and respect and tell them they are doing right. Do not deny them their wishes just because they share the same gender.

I believe in the bible and in some of its words. But I also believe that God is a pretty understanding person and when he sees two people in love, he wants them to be together. Whenever I hear people bringing up Leviticus as evidence against humanity, it always makes me think of this scene from The West Wing:

"I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does."

"Yes it does. Leviticus."

"18:22."

"Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?"

I know that I'm quoting a television show, but it's making the exact point I want to and far more eloquently and accurately than I could, so we're going to go with it. Love thy neighbor, don't tell him what he is doing is wrong. And furthermore, keep it the hell out of legislature. America is not a society of merely Christians and Catholics, we are a mix. That mix includes Muslims and Jews and Hindus and yes, homosexuals. Isn't America supposed to be the land where you can take what you are and what you have and make it work? Isn't it a place where you should be accepted for what you are from the start?

America is a great idea, but the execution has not been going very well lately. I love the land, for the most part, the beauty of the cities and the country. I am grateful that I don't have to worry about being arrested on the street for crimes I did not commit or stoned to death for writing such a thing as I just did. I am happy that I have the ability to vote and have even the tiniest say in what goes on here. I love these things, but I hate the ignorance and cruelty this country is displaying. I learned to love and respect people because I was taught it as a child. What are we teaching our children now? What lessons will mine learn here? It is sad when a country you love disappoints you so.

Laura's TV Round-Up, Week Two:

2009-10-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided to continue doing this, mainly because I want to see how much I can get Mike to comment. So here’s week two….

1. House – Definitely an improvement to the season premiere, but I’m still not sold on it. I could have done without the extensive virtual reality scenes, hallucinated and not. Typically I would enjoy 13 being fired, but (a) there’s no way that’s going to actually last, (b) Foreman’s such an ass of a character that it wasn’t that fun, and (c) I actually agreed with everything she was doing (for the first time in the character’s history). If they could keep her on and get over mentioning that she’s hot every single episode (yes, Olivia Wilde is very pretty. I get that. I just don’t need the sledgehammer to the head every week) I might be able to get on board, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.

2. How I Met Your Mother – Still not completely overwhelmed because I know they can do better than this. I really didn’t appreciate Robin’s sudden personality change for the sake of the story line. Robin knows that Barney goes to strip clubs. She’s gone to them with him on at least one occasion herself. We’re not fooled, writers. If nothing else, the stripper doppelganger reminded me of when I saw my doppelganger on our cruise this summer, only she was a ten year old version of me who had two mommies (one of which was extraordinarily bad at the Finish the Lyrics game).

3. Modern Family - I continue to enjoy this show and Cameron (half of the gay couple with the baby) doing his "straight" dance is one of my new favorite things.

4. Flash Forward – I saw part of this, but then I wandered off to make cookies, so I don’t know everything that happened. This is why I’m not an official tv reviewer.

5. Fringe – Seriously, I can’t remember that this show is on.

6. Grey’s Anatomy - I might like where the show is going, but what keeps bothering me is that if you're going to fire half of the staff anyway, why do you kill off George? Especially if you're going to cram all of the mourning for the character into one episode and not continue it the next week. I'm giving it time, but it's still annoying me.

7. Private Practice – Normally I wouldn’t watch this show (I wanted to like this show, but Addison fits better into the dynamic on Grey’s, I think), but I was sick over the weekend and needed something to watch and caught it online. Dude, did anyone else know that someone cut a baby out of Judging Amy’s uterus and she lived? What the hell was that about? At least this show acknowledges it’s a crazy ass soap opera, unlike some other shows on this list (I’m looking at you #6).

8. Glee - Let me just say I really like Kristin Chenoweth. She's tiny and cute and very funny and has an amazingly mind blowing voice. However, this week's episode felt far too much like a showcase of her. I understand that you only have her for one episode and you want to make good use of that, but I would have scaled it back a little bit. Regardless of that, I still enjoy this show a lot.

9. Project Runway – I missed the last fifteen minutes and caught only the runway show and not the judge’s comments in a rerun this weekend. So Mike, take it away.

Stupid Things To Do While You're Uninsured

2009-09-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

In the wee hours of yesterday morning, I kept hearing a low beeping noise, which I initially thought was coming from outside and later thought it was my carbon monoxide detector. If the detector gets knocked out of the outlet (or subsequently, back in), it makes this distinctive beeping noise. I figured we were having problems with our power or outlet, or that the cats were being jerks and knocking it out continuously. I was sleepy and I didn't really feel like figuring it out. I was going to the gym before work, so I essentially got dressed and left within ten minutes of waking up. When I got into the hall....

"Beep"

Just outside my door, on the ceiling way out of my reach, is an assy little smoke detector, sassing at me that its battery is dying.

"I'm not the maintenance person," I say.

"Don't fucking care," it responds

"I'll call them and let them know what's going on, but I have to go to work now and I don't have a ladder to reach you."

"Whatever, bitch."

So I call from the gym and get the maintenance person's machine. I leave a message about the smoke detector and wait their call back. To be fair, they usually call back very quickly and have responded to our other problems in a timely manner. Sadly, that did not happen today, because when I got home early from work at about three o'clock, I'm greeted with a chirping...

"Whassup, assface!"

It is then that I just hope that it will die on it's own. Or that a maintenance man is on his way, battery in hand, ready to shut up the jerky detector in the hallway. I let an hour pass before the beeping drives me psychotic. I call the maintenance people again and get a person. I'm initially told that someone will be there to fix it tomorrow. Turns out she misunderstood where the smoke detector was and didn't know we could hear it from inside our apartment. She tells me that we have a caretaker who lives in the building and she'll call him as soon as she hangs up (and as a note, she did in fact leave him a message which he didn't respond to, and now she knows that because I left her a message after the below occurred)

Three hours later, it's still going. "You can't stop me" - "You're not tall enough to reach me" - "Your ass looks huge in those pants".....I cannot take it anymore. My first attack is to grab a broom and poke the hell out of it. I think I'm hoping that I can hit a button or knock the cover off so I can then tape a new battery to the end of the broom handle and put it back in? I think that's what I'm trying to accomplish. But it's no good, and the smoke detector knows it.

So I do what any self-respecting person without health insurance would do. I climb on top of the stair railing, finally making me tall enough to reach the battery. As I pull it out and place a new battery in (thankfully, I managed to have the correct kind of battery) the smoke detector makes this dying cry, like "what a world, what a world".

When I hopped down onto the landing, I took a look at the stairs and realized I probably shouldn't have done that when my health insurance doesn't kick in till the end of the week. Or really shouldn't have done it even with insurance. I'm pretty sure the smoke detector would have just stared down at my mangled body, silent for the first time all day.

Laura's TV Round-Up

2009-09-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

1. House - I really wanted to like this one, but I just couldn't get myself to wrap my arms around it. I enjoyed the concept of House being in a psychiatric hospital, but I really don't think the episode accomplished its objectives. First of all, I was unhappy that the hallucinations were all wrapped up and solved two seconds after the credits rolled. Everything just seemed so inconsistent with the character they've written over the past few years. Like he had to have sex with that German woman in order to make a human connection? What about his relationship with Stacey? Or even really, his relationship with Cuddy? Why not explore the connections to people he (and we as the audience) already know, instead of creating some new character that no one really cares about? And the re-birthday party really didn't fit with him. It was far too soon for him to be so content. I honestly kept hoping that he'd wake up and it would have all been a hallucination again, that's how much I disliked it.

2. How I Met Your Mother - I'm really glad to have new episodes and this one was very funny, but I wish the writers would stop teasing us with the mother. If you're not going to show her, please stop saying things like "Well, your mother was sitting over here...but we'll get to that later..." - It's starting to get a little bit old to me, like that trick where you keep locking the car door the second someone puts their fingers on the handle. It's only funny to the person who's playing the trick.

3. Glee - I didn't really watch the entire episode, but I have a feeling I'll never get "Single Ladies" out of my head. Ever again.

4. Modern Family - Tim and I stumbled upon this show and it actually wound up being really funny. I liked the trick at the end where you think you're getting a sappy monologue to wrap things up (like Grey's Anatomy, or JD on Scrubs), but it turns out it was just the father making fun of a poem his son had written for his crush.

5. Flashforward - Okay, I missed the first fifteen minutes or so, but that's because I hadn't really intended on watching it. I had a wicked headache on Thursday and by 8:15 I just wanted to sit on the couch and put my head down, so I wound up seeing this show. Very strong cast and I really like the concept, I'm just not sure how they can drag it out without frustrating the audience by not letting them in on enough...Then again, it's worked for shows like Lost, Prison Break, and How I Met Your Mother (on a more comedic front of course and save my above grievances), so it'll probably work out for them too.

6. Fringe - I keep forgetting it's on. Fox was not smart to move it to 9 pm on Thursdays.

7. Grey's Anatomy - Really disappointing. Last season's finale was strong, but this episode fell flat. I wish they would have left us on the edge a little bit longer, regarding who was going to live or die. This is a show that has people meet up and talk in the inbetween and/or from the great beyond, so even if you're going to kill George, you could have had him spend a little more time around before we find out if Izzie lives. Also, having the episode span 40 days seemed like a cop-out to me. I'd much rather see how everyone progresses slowly over the season than have it crammed into two hours. Especially when those two hours didn't really give the character the goodbye he deserves. It can be done, which leads me to the list of....

TV Character Deaths that Were Way Better than George's:
1. Amber on House - She was a much more minor character and essentially got two quality hours devoted to her. Of course, in the first hour you don't know she's the dying person House is looking for, but that makes the revelation much better. It's a trippy episode and she often "wakes" up to tell House what he's doing wrong. And it never hurts to have Bon Iver and Iron & Wine singing you out.

2. Mrs. Landingham on West Wing - You get to see her in flashbacks and beyond the grave and the power of a repeated line never ceases to get me. Martin Sheen is absolutely amazing in it as well.

3. Most people on ER - ER usually does it right. Dennis Gant's maybe suicide was discovered in a fairly similar way to George on Grey's. Lucy's murder wasn't talked about a lot, but the repercussions of it went on for quite some time. Mark's episode never fails to make me cry (and we're talking an ugly cry), and Pratt's was touching as well. I refuse to acknowledge Gallant's because they pretty much brought him back just to kill him. Aside from him and Romano's ridiculous helicopter-on-top-of-me demise, they've pretty much gotten it right.

4. Oh yeah, and I wasn't watching West Wing when Leo died, so I can't make a comment on that.

5. Everyone on Six Feet Under - And I mean everyone. The series finale went through every character's death, and I thought it was a clever finale for a show set in a funeral home.

6. I think there were some good ones on Lost, but I stopped watching it and I honestly can't tell you if those characters stayed dead or not. People are always getting killed and reappearing later, so I'm not calling anybody's time of death

Grab Bag

2009-09-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

When you lose something, I wish there was a way of knowing if it was lost forever or whether it would eventually turn up. For instance, if a voice could boom down that you threw that sweater in the Goodwill pile, or you lost your earring outside a building five days ago and that you should stop looking for it, that would be wonderful. I really shouldn't be complaining because the item that was making me think this (a missing restaurant card that was given to me as a gift) finally surrendered after a five day hunt. It also made me think that the next time I lose something, I should check under my car seats first.

Is it wrong that every time I see the Duggar family (of the reality show "However the hell many kids we have now and counting"), I think of this song? Even more, I think of the scene directly preceding it where Eric Idle (as the mother, of course) is washing the dishes and the baby just falls out of him onto the floor. Maybe I'm already going to hell for not feeling that every sperm is sacred, but I'm sure this doesn't help matters.

Things I Saw On My Walk to Work Today:
1. A banana peel which I did not slip on, but almost wanted to just for the story.
2. A pair of underwear. The tight white variety, just chilling on the sidewalk like it's always been there. Looking at me like, "Hello, how you doing, lovely weather we're having"
3. A metal fork. No signs of food, spoons, knives or other cutlery.
4. A sign for "Smedley Chevrolet," which is a fun sounding word.
5. A condom wrapper, which was nowhere near the pair of underwear, which means that the people travelled down the road to actually have sex, or there were at least three naked people on the street.
6. A left shoe and a right shoe that did not match each other, were sitting next to each other and both appeared to be men's shoes.

A Few Comments on the Emmys:
- I was a little underwhelmed, though I don't know if I blame NPH for this so much as the writing.
- There needs to be a five year long ban on playing or singing "I Will Remember You". I like seeing the people the acting world lost over the last year, but I don't think someone should be singing live next to them (and especially when they're singing that song). I liked how the audience seemed a little awkward when she finished - Should we clap, should we not clap, will the dead actors be pissed if we clap, what if Sarah McLachlan beats us up for not clapping later?
- Jon Cryer winning over NPH (and several others in that category) really bothered me. Two and a Half Men is not funny. Stop trying to make fetch happen
- I was very excited that the Craig Ferguson puppets made an appearance in the variety montage. I love the shark puppet so much.
- I just cannot get into 30 Rock. I've really tried, but it's just not happening. Plus it really bothers me that the show within the show is named "The Girlie Show". It just makes me queasy for some weird reason.
- I've had "Mother Lover" in my head ever since the broadcast.

Back

2009-09-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

It's not that I haven't had time to write. For the first time in awhile, I just haven't wanted to. Nothing's wrong really, there's just been a bunch of tiny things that pile up that you have to deal with. Also, I changed from an estrogen-progesterone pill to one that's progesterone only, and the result has been my hormones being all out of whack. I didn't feel like writing about things if I was wearing mood swing colored glasses. Not that they're off just yet. I just got sick of being quiet.

I'm starting to find my away around the city, which is nice. Yesterday I went to the library in Hyde Park, which was tiny but nice. This is probably the first time in about twelve years that I've had to find books on my own and have keep an eye on their due date. I have been completely spoiled by (a) my mother working in a library with access to returning/checking out items several days a week, (b) her knowing exactly what my tastes are and putting aside books she thinks I'd like, and (c) not having to pay library fines. I found four seemingly acceptable books (though one I may have actually read already) and one Bourne Ultimatum DVD which we watched last night. Now I just need to return them on time.

I know there's more to say, but Moxy jumped onto my lap and the way she's resting on my arm makes it difficult to type. Plus I really need to do some more of my online training programs for work. More later.

Limbo

2009-09-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

My posting skills lately have been less than desirable. Either I've been too busy to write or I just plain haven't wanted to. Sometimes a combination of the two, because it seems just like me to avoid unpacking by writing, but save that entry last week, I haven't. The apartment actually resembles a home-type place with only a couple things that need to be completed. Some of the walls are far to thick/hard so I've been unable to get the required screws in the wall for my key rack and the hooks I want to put in the bathroom. I'm also waiting on putting up curtains till they fix the screens in the bedroom, so those are just chilling in the closets. I need to start hanging some pictures, so maybe I'll attempt that tonight. Pictures will be posted when those few things are completed.

Mom was here Tuesday afternoon to Thursday afternoon, which was quite possibly the best thing that could have happened. Having her around made everything a million times less stressful and I really enjoyed the company while driving aimlessly around Cincinnati. I think I would have gone crazy if it had been just me and the kitties wandering around the apartment, I really do. So a million billion trillion shout outs and love to my mom, who never ceases to impress. I will miss being a five minute drive away from you.

I've managed to find a couple of things in Cincinnati, and I am now in love with Whole Foods. I like how it smells and how it looks and it has a cell phone recycling area, which is really nice for someone who has phones that have been sitting around her apartment for the past few months. Plus if you go at the right time, there are some very delicious free samples. I was in Kroger today (Whole Foods is too expensive for everyday needs) - not the Kroghetto by my apartment, but the nicer one out at a shopping center off the highway - and they had an insane amount of free samples, like I honestly could have made a meal out of that. I was still too full from breakfast though, so I declined everything save one carrot.

Yesterday I drove up to Columbus to see the Clippers game (AAA team for the Indians) with my sister, and my parents also came down to see the game. It's a pretty nice stadium and yesterday they had Jake the Diamond Dog as their batboy. Jake is a golden retriever who barked twice to start the game (instead of someone saying "Play ball"), would take a basket with bottles of water to the umps between innings, caught frisbees when play was not in session, retrieved foul balls, and actually carried bats in his teeth. Apparently he was giving his paw print after the game, but I did not actually see it. I stayed overnight and got back this afternoon.

Tomorrow I start my new job and I really don't feel like talking about it. Plus I don't really know what will be going on, so more on the whole working thing later. More importantly, Tim will be getting here tomorrow, so I actually have someone non-feline to come home to.

In case I haven't said it before, if anyone wants to visit, you're more than welcome. Also, if anyone needs my new address, please let me know - I was trying to send out a mass Facebook message, but the stupid thing wouldn't let me, so it's come to this. Later gators.

Boxes

2009-08-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

I know I should be updating about moving and the whole experience of being somewhere where you don't really know anyone or where anything is, but I just don't have it in me to be profound or coherent for that matter, so I'm going to save it up for another day and go to my list:

- Just for those unaware: I moved to Cincinnati yesterday with Tim and Peter moving just about everything. I stayed here while Tim went back to Lakewood with Peter, so he can finish up the season at the pool. I opted to come earlier than Tim so I could get settled before my new job starts (a week from tomorrow) and Tim won't be there till then.
- My mom's coming tomorrow and will be staying with me for a couple days because I'm a wimp who doesn't want to be alone in a new place. Also because my mom is awesome.
- The apartment really doesn't look too bad, with all things considered. I've been unpacking a lot of boxes and watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother while doing so (not only do I now have the season 3 DVD, but it was on both Lifetime and CBS tonight, so I would be a little HIMYM'd out if that was actually possible).
- I know how dorky I sound. Deal.
- Hoping I can fall asleep a lot more quickly tonight than I did last night. I was physically exhausted, but it took me hours to fall asleep, then I kept waking up every hour or so.
- I really shouldn't even be writing right now. I should be trying to find the handiwipes so I can wash the dishes that are in the sink.
- My excuse for not washing them sooner was that the sink was backed up this morning and I had to wait for maintenance to come by and fix it. Which was loud, but hey, my sink's not backed up anymore.
- That's what she said.
- I had a very enjoyable conversation with Rachel over AIM today, typing inbetween putting clothes in my closet. My new favorite Rachel quote is below:

L: But I want the universe to know that my uterus is currently not welcoming any visitors whatsoever
R: NO VACANCY.....WELL, VACANCY, BUT YOU STILL CAN'T COME IN
L: That's what the sign outside my uterus says.
R: Very clear. I'm sure all the sperm will stop and read it first. They're very polite
L: Are they, now?
R: Well, I imagine. Because they look like tadpoles and I've always imagined tadpoles to be very polite

- It's really weird being here by myself. I've never actually lived alone - I think there was a day sprinkled here and there when a roommate went out of town for the weekend or when my parents went to spring training and I awesomely rearranged all the furniture in their house (with the help of Megan...Ryann looked on in amazement) - but this is different, you know?
- I cannot stop listening to this song. I made it that link instead of the one to the actual music video because this kept playing on the modified CBS channel (showed certain episodes of certain shows repeatedly, no commercials) on the cruise and I really like the puppets.
- And I'm divorcing Tim to marry the guy in the pink outfit.
- But actually, the song doesn't end that way...I prefer the actual ending.
- I'll shut up about the song now.
- Really, I should shut up altogether because I really want to unpack more before I (hopefully) fall asleep.

Unfinished

2009-08-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

So, I started writing two days ago and then I went to dinner and never returned because I was sucked into a packing vortex. So there's my excuse for this:

I had my iPod on shuffle today and it played a song/its cover back-to-back three times - This included "Such Great Heights (Postal Service and Iron & Wine), "Walkin' in the Sand" (Aerosmith and The Shangri Las), and "Just the Way You Are" (Billy Joel and Maggie Gyllenhaal's version from 'Happy Endings'). It was freaky. I wish the iPod had an actual off switch, because a lot of times holding down the play button does absolutely nothing but play and pause a song for twenty minutes until you just give up and let the charge run out because you can't get the damn thing to turn off.

Perhaps the secret is to let it rest and play half of a song and then try again because that just works for me. Maybe it really wanted to hear the first half of "Sometime Around Midnight"?

Lady Gaga freaks me the hell out. Have you seen what she wears? She actually wore a skirt that was Animal's (as in the Muppet's) head. Don't believe me? Like I'm a little afraid for Animal here. I mean, he's probably the most crazy of the Muppets, which is no small feat, and even he's like, dude this shit is crazy. His face is totally saying, "Look this bitch is crazier than me". And furthermore, I don't think her music warrants her crazy dressing. At least Bjork has some individual, albeit at times difficult to listen to music to go with her weird ass style. Lady Gaga has the same damn thing that everyone else plays.

You Say It's Your Birthday

2009-08-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

We got back from our cruise last night, but I really don't feel like writing about that just now. I can't seem to find the cord that connects my camera to the computer and I want to upload the photos first. Plus I've felt like crap on and off all day, so I don't feel compelled to go through an entire week's worth of information just now. My head keeps aching on and off, plus I'm probably still tired from travelling, and vacation being over/the prospect of moving this weekend doesn't really help matters much either. The headache/feeling weird is making it hard to sleep, so I wanted to do something other than just stare off into space.

Tim's birthday was today and mine is tomorrow...Actually, I just looked at the clock and my birthday is today. I am 24. My eighth birthday just popped into my head, the one where I had a hopscotch cake. We got the idea from a magazine and I know it suggested that people throw a fruit loop or cheerio onto the cake to determine which square they got, but I can't remember if we actually did that.

One year my birthday cake completely collapsed, possibly from the weather or maybe the cake pan misbehaved. It must have been my seventh birthday or earlier because we were still in my old house and I was still having family parties. My parents got me an intact cake from the bakery, but throughout the entire party people kept breaking off pieces from the collapsed cake. Homemade cake has always tasted better than bakery cake to me.

know I had a bowling birthday party because I still have the bowling pin at my parent's house, but I really don't remember the specifics. One of my favorite birthdays was a combined party with Rachel where we all went putt-putting and then went back to my house for the rest of the party. Rachel and I did combined parties for a couple of years and they were always fun.

My mom offered to make a cake for me this year (plus Tim would do it in a second if I asked), but I declined since I really don't need to eat an entire cake. I was a little sad just now when I realized that means no fun writing on the top of the birthday cake. Past cakes have included "Happy Birthday Jackass," "Moo Moo" (as in thunder cows), drawings of street gremlins and chicken boob dog, amongst many other fun things. Though I can imagine that this cake would have something to do with Rick Astley in my mom's attempt to further Rick Roll me (as if she hasn't enough already, but more on that later).

I started to do a survey because I'm still awake and had nothing else to do, but I got bored with myself, so I'm going to wake up and it will feel more like my birthday. Hopefully my head will feel more like it's my birthday too.

So Long

2009-08-12T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today was my going-away party at work. I'm not going-away till tomorrow, but I think they had it today so Linda and a couple other people could be there. I think never quite decided whether they wanted it to be a surprise or not because there was a lot of whispering and being quiet when I entered the room, but I had two people pretty much tell me about it, one directly and one indirectly, and they put up the sign-up sheet in the nurse's conference room, where I frequent on a regular basis to check for announcements (and cookies).

It was very sweet, even though I feel extremely awkward in situations like this. I wish it wasn't the case, but I have a habit of feeling sheepish and almost nervous when attention is focused on me in a positive way. There was a bakery cake which tasted amazing, which is abnormal for me because I usually hate bakery cake. I ate entirely too much and was pretty sugar drunk for the remainder of the workday. A bunch of people chipped in for a gift certificate to a nice restaurant in Cincinnati which I'm very much looking forward to going to. Louann made me this ridiculous yet amazing T-shirt covered in puffy paint with all these sayings and everyones names on it - The best part of it is where she drew a bone marrow biopsy needle sticking out of where the hip would fall on me. I complain about that woman constantly and quite possibly will complain about her tomorrow when she inevitably does some sort of controlling thing, but damn if I don't get a little choked up when I think of her taking all that time to do something nice for me. I doubt I'll ever wear it, but looking at it makes me smile so much.

I can't say that I expected it, but I really am a little sad right now. I bitch and moan about work, but there are definite aspects and people in this place that I will miss with all of my heart. It's weird to look at someone and realize that you might not see them again when they've been such a huge part of your life for nearly a year. A group of people gave me a home for the last ten months and let me do a job that I've been waiting to do for so long. Some people weren't what I expected and how I handled death wasn't really what I expected either, but I really was welcome here and that means so much to me. And everyone keeps telling me that they're expecting me to come back when we return to Cleveland. It's kind of like that t-shirt they gave me - I'll probably never use it, but it's nice to know it's there.

So thank you for my job, bone marrow transplant team. Thank you for putting up with a brand new graduate and teaching her so many interesting and important things. Tonight I'm sad, but tomorrow I'll be celebrating because I get another chance to see if I can truly truly love the field I'm in and not just the position I have. And the three weeks of paid vacation doesn't hurt much either.

Double Axel, Pelvic Exam

2009-07-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

My new gynecologist is a former professional figure skater. I googled this immediately following my appointment and based on some listings on a figure skating dvd, he appears to be telling the truth. I can understand how a gynecologist might want to start making stuff up - I've done pelvic exams many times before and there's always that lull in the conversation where you're fully aware that you're looking at someone's lady business like right there in front of your face, but you still feel the need to be polite and make conversation. And unlike the dentist, your patients can actually respond. Which was fairly interesting for me when I worked in rapid care, because there were some really messed up patients (for specific examples, please see below). Personally, I prefer conversation when I'm on the patient side of the pelvic exam because it makes me less aware that at any time someone could walk into the room and my vagina would be right there. Like RIGHT THERE. You ever think about that? I also tend to think about it when I'm going to the bathroom, particularly when I'm in one of those one room-one toilet bathrooms. They're nice for the privacy, but there's no stall door buffer for you. So I tend to wind up moving the garbage can in front of the door, just in case. And then I start wondering if that would even help if someone were to open the door - Would they stop when they felt the resistance, or would they continue opening the door only to find me half-naked and a knocked over garbage can with its contents spilled all over the floor?

So anyway, I can see how a gynecologist would start making random things up in order to fill the awkward naked air. Especially if they're just seeing you for a yearly Pap smear. He could figure, hey, I'm probably not going to see this person for another year, so I might as well make shit up because even if she finds out the truth, she'll probably forget to call me on it a year later when we're back on the awkward Pap smear conversation train and I tell her that if you look really closely, you can see me performing the part of zombie #3 in the Thriller video (I'm the one who looks like his face is dripping off...no, the one to the left of that guy) and next year I'll come up with something even better. She'll never remember!

Which is precisely why I googled him, and he appears to check out. If someone tests your cervix for cancer, you want them to not make shit up about figure skating. And then he proceeded to switch me from my current birth control pill to a progesterone-only pill because apparently my history of classic migraine paired with a pill containing estrogen puts me at increased risk for stroke. Yes, we managed to cover this when we weren't discussing triple toe loops. So switching my hormones around should be a pretty fun time. Anchors away.

As promised, tales from messed up pelvic exam recipients:
Tale #1: Woman in her forties comes into rapid care with what she describes as abnormal vaginal bleeding.
Me: "When was your last period?"
Abnormal bleeder: "A few weeks ago, I don't really remember"
Me: "Are your cycles usually pretty regular?"
AB: "No, they come and go at weird times, I've always been irregular."
Me: "What was it that concerned you about this bleeding? Have you been feeling any pain with it?"
AB: "I don't have any pain, but I noticed that a clot came out, so I took a toothbrush to it and it kind of broke off into blood and a clear part"

This is the part where you just resign yourself to doing the pelvic exam (which by the way, this woman was huge and didn't move well and was convinced she was dying from having her period, so it was even less fun than usual) because someone decides that they need to go to the emergency room because they haven't figured out that they're having their period and they clearly need to stop at the store on their way home and buy a new toothbrush.

Tale #2: Eighteen year old girl who is six weeks pregnant presents for an STD check.
Me: "What brings you in today?"
Baby Mama: "My baby daddy says he has an STD and that I should get checked."
Me: "Do you know which STD he has?"
BM: "No, they just checked him when he went to prison and they made him take pills for awhile."
Me: "Have you had any other sexual partners?"
BM: "No"Me: "Did you think he had any other sexual partners?"
BM: "No. Man, I'm gonna have to break up with my baby daddy"
Me: "Okay. We're going to do the exam which will test you for STDs. It takes a couple of days for the results to come back, so what we usually do is give you three antibiotics that will go ahead and treat you in the meantime."
BM: "Will it make my baby retarded?"
Me: "An untreated STD can have bad side effects on the baby, which is why we'd like to treat you now"
BM: "Will the pills make my baby retarded?"
Me: "No, the antibiotics should help you from having any problems from the STD"
BM: "So my baby won't be retarded then?"
Me: "Well, there's no way of knowing that. But the antibiotics should not have any harm on your baby."
BM: "So what you're saying is, if my baby's going to be retarded, it's already retarded then?"
At this point, I just say yes
Me: "It's important that before you have sex again you get retested to make sure the infection has cleared, and that you make sure your partner has done the same"
BM: "Well, my baby daddy won't be out of jail for another month...."

Something tells me that she didn't break up with her baby daddy.

The Three Days of Christmas

2009-07-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I went to Christmas in July at Put-In-Bay. Here's what happened....

Friday:
Woke up in the morning, had a bowl of raisin bran, and was planning to go to the gym when all hell broke loose in my digestive tract. Needless to say the gym was not an option because of my trips to the bathroom approximately every ten to fifteen minutes, so I instead took to the couch and silently (and eventually not-so silently) cursed my GI system. You see, all week my IBS had been absolutely fine and now, on the day I'm supposed to go camping and drinking for an entire weekend, it rears its ugly head. So I did what any self respecting person who's been dealing with IBS for the last four years would do: I self-medicated.

After eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at noon to see if it would help matters at all (answer: only slightly), I swore off eating and drinking because I didn't want to add fuel to the intestinal flames. And then I went to the medicine cabinet and took an imodium. And another one. And another one. And another one. After four of them, everything was calmed down enough that I was able to leave the premises.

Kim and Maureen picked me up and following a quick stop at Target to buy them sleeping bags (they had brought blankets for an air mattress, but opted for the sleeping bags when they saw how compact my model was). In the ferry parking lot, we crafted a truly brilliant and truly white-trashy way to transport our belongings on the ship and onto the island:

Classy, no? Fortunately Kristen picked us up at the PIB dock (armed with a "Take Off Your Pants" sign, nonetheless), so we didn't have to lug the damn thing across the island to our campsite. My sister and her friends have been going to Christmas in July for five years now, but this is the largest the group has been. We split off into three tents: Tent one contained Kristen, Mack, Meredith (Kristen's former roommate) and Meredith's friends Jamie and Becky; Tent two contained Amanda (another Kristen/Maureen friend), Amy and Courtney; tent three contained Kim, Maureen and yours truly.

We set up the tents, got ready and in the meantime, I had two drinks - one of which, unfortunately, was mixed by myself and probably a tad too strong. For those keeping score, at this point I've eaten some pringles, a few animal crackers and a little bit of water and it had to have been after nine at this point. After taking a cab downtown, we hit the bar and wound up at Frosty's, where I finally ate something of substance: pizza and breadsticks. However, at this point I think it was too late for me.

To make matters worse, I decide it's in my best interest to have a margarita. To make matters even worse, Frosty makes their margaritas incredibly strong. At some point, we wind up at Beer Barrel, where I stand around for awhile before realizing I feel ridiculously warm and my head feels like absolute crap. I get two cups of water, but that's not enough to reverse the self induced dehydration made worse by alcohol. Moral of the story: Don't take four imodiums, not drink anything all day, then have three drinks. Kim and Mack were kind enough to escort me back to the campsite and deposit me in my tent with flashlight and water in hand. I promptly fall asleep and feel completely better by the time I wake up two hours later.

And while I was sleeping, Mack discovered that she had been wearing two different shoes all night

Saturday:
I wake up just around eight to a downpour. We left our tents and went under a canopy to eat breakfast, but the ongoing rain made it clear that we couldn't get much done, so we went back to bed. By the time 11 o'clock rolled around the skies had mostly cleared, our tent was damp, and we were ready to go. After a series of gross campground showers, we went downtown for lunch. At this point my stomach starts acting up again, but it manages to recover during the afternoon hours.

Following lunch, we split up: Meredith, Jamie and Becky decide to walk around downtown, Kristen, Amanda, Courtney and Amy opt for the swim-up bar, and Kim, Maureen, Mack and I rent a golf cart and proceed to drive around the island (with some of us, cough Mack, occasionally grabbing onto speed limit signs while the vehicle was in motion). We mostly drove, but did a little bit of shopping, stopped at my grandparent's cottage (they were not there, but a very dead bird was), and eventually went to the winery and met up with Meredith, Jamie and Becky.

The winery showed some pure classiness, even classier than our luggage wagon. Sights included women picking up empty wine bottles using only their thighs, constant booing anytime someone wore a college shirt other than OSU and a women in a shirt that resembled a mermaid's tail. Kim drove us back to the campsite in rounds, and once we were all there, Maureen and I took Meredith's car back into town so we could pick up Mack and Kim after they dropped off the cart. We made a stop at the cottage because I was paranoid that I hadn't locked it (I had) and took awhile trying to find a parking space in the lot, yet Kim and Mack are nowhere to be found. We check the cart lot to make sure they haven't already dropped it off, but it's nowhere to be found. We wait for awhile longer, worried that they're not going to make the return deadline, when suddenly we see this:

It turns out that Captain Morgan and his helper ho were struggling to carry his booty to the Boardwalk when Kim and Mack drove by. That's a sentence I thought I'd never write. There wasn't enough room for everyone in the cart, but they offered Captain Morgan and his booty a ride. After the above photo ops and jello shots, we deposited the cart (on time) and headed back to the campground for dinner.

Night #2 out and about at PIB was far more successful for me than night #1. I had a lot of fun, yet I can't recall specific stories. I'd insert more pictures, but Blogger's currently hating on me, so I guess I won't.

Sunday:
Wake up, pack up, clean up, say goodbye and get on the ferry (after missing the first sold out one and having to come over on the 11:45). Dropped off at my parent's house (that's where I left my car for the weekend instead of out on the street) and returned to the apartment for a much needed sandwich (thanks to Tim picking one up at Einstein's for me), shower and nap. That evening we went back to my parents to set up the tents so they could air our and wound up staying for dinner (thank you again) and returning home where I barely made it to eleven pm before passing out again and blessing the fact that I had Monday off.

Merry Christmas!

Toast

2009-07-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

I walked by a patient's food tray and now I want buttered toast. It's strange that hospital food could actually talk you into having a craving, but it happens from time to time. Makes sense to me that it makes a frequent appearance here - personally I think toast always tastes better when you're sick. I also find that to be true of cheese, for some reason, especially macaroni and cheese. The Kraft in the box kind, not the Velveeta oozy cheese one. Powder packets, while disgusting if you actually stop to think about it, reign supreme over its more liquid counterpart.

Speaking of which, I can't tell if I'm having a bad allergy/headache day or if I'm actually getting sick. I felt lousy last night and again when I woke up this morning, but since then I've been waxing and waning. I have a stuffy head, am blowing my nose/coughing more often than I usually do. If I am getting sick, I really hope that it'll get here already and clear within the next few days, because I'm going to Xmas in July at Put-In-Bay this weekend and to quote Mack, I need my energy legs. If I'm not going to get sick now, all I ask is that I don't get sick then and I really really don't get sick while we're on the cruise.

Another great but busy weekend, I accomplished the following:
1. Walked on Huntington Beach and saw a guy get arrested by two horses. Technically, he was arrested by two police officers on horses, but I like to think that the horses were the law enforcers in this case.
2. Laundry
3. Dyed my hair, but am only a slight brunette at the moment. Might go darker later, but am content for now
4. In order to buy the hair dye, Mom and I went to Target where most of the lights were out and we kept grabbing a couple of boxes and taking them out in the center aisle where the light was better. The big coolers had caution tape around them just so people wouldn't keep letting the warm air in.
5. Saw HMS Pinafore at the Ohio Light Opera in Wooster with all of my in-laws (save Sarah who was still rocking a horrible infection at the time, poor thing). I wasn't a big fan of the show itself and had some issues with the production, but there were some really good voices and it's always nice to see a show
6. Accomplished some much needed housekeeping type things - would have been more than some, but Tim wound up getting off work six hours earlier than he thought he would on Saturday, which resulted in the following
7. Wandering around the Lakewood Street Walk with Tim and Mike and buying some cute cocktail glasses for very cheap
8. Finally seeing 70 Lewis in person and being bitter that my number wasn't called in the raffle
9. El Jalapenos with Tim, Mike, Jason and the now improved Sarah
10. Rocking out Scattergories with the above, plus Mike's (very entertaining) friend Morgan joining us
11. My new favorite thing: Mike was driving through Steelyard Commons when a pack of geese decided to cross the road. Mike stopped for them, but one goose broke off and decided he should walk in a straight line directly in front of Mike's car, as if he had decided that he wanted to mess around with this guy. The goose moved eventually, but its awesomeness stayed with us for much longer
12. Watched the Indians lose. However, I watched them lose on a nice day, with good seats and good company (Mom, Mack, Kristen, her friend Mel, and Mel's sister Rachel). I'm still a little bitter that I actually touched a baseball that was thrown into the stands, but just couldn't get to it...If I had been one seat over, I would have had it.
13. Ate a delicious Melt sandwich and got a bit tipsy over one (yes only one) of their drinks. I don't know what the ratios are in this drink, but it always throws me for a loop. It probably doesn't help that I come to Melt on an empty stomach and have to wait awhile to be seated/actually get food, but still, it really works on me.

Phoney

2009-07-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

I've finally managed to leave my cell phone at home while I'm at work. I'm actually quite amazed that this has not occurred already in the nine months that I've been here. So I'm currently off the map, impossible to contact, aside from the fact that I've given my immediate family several ways to contact me in the interim. But it's more fun to pretend that I'm unreachable and will have a bevy of texts and missed calls waiting me when I make my grand return, and not the reality that all my phone screen will show me is just the time. Much more fun.

Also fun is to imagine that Moxy and Grover have taken my phone from my nightstand and figured out how to use it, pressing the buttons with their paws. I like to think that I'll come home and see them laying across a number of boxes filled with scratching posts and strings and treats they ordered over the phone, sleeping away the surf and turf they had delivered for lunch.

Today is one of those days where I forget to pee. Not because I'm overly busy, per say, just because I'm a slightly distracted to the point of ignoring my bladder. No worries, I just returned from the bathroom, but I keep drinking water. I'm more tired than I deserve to be today, but I need to go deliver something to the lab, so I'm going to leave it at that.

Waiting Game

2009-07-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

Tim and I decided to take a cruise - It sails out of Fort Lauderdale and going to Key West, Cozumel and Belize. We're starting to figure out what we're going to do while we're down there and I'm really excited. It'll be so nice to take that break after work and before moving. The week after we get back is reserved for packing and hopefully seeing a bunch of people before we go (seriously, I mean it, let's plan some shit). The beach is calling me, my friends.

I just found out that my aunt and uncle's dog is probably going to die in the next few days, which makes me really sad. I've only had Moxy and Grover for less than a year and it'd break my heart to see something happen to them, and they've had Kayla for ten years, I think. She's a sweetheart of a dog too, even if she licks your pants too much. And if you sit on the floor, she may very well sit on you (she's a golden retriever). But really, she's one of the friendliest dogs I've ever met. I hope she goes as peacefully as possible.

The weekend was another nice one: Tim and I went to Pier W (we had a gift card) on Friday night, which was incredibly nice. If you're looking to go there and don't want to blow a ton of money, they're offering something where you get an appetizer, entree and dessert for $28, which I thought was a pretty decent deal for such a place. The food and view were both excellent. I had a good time considering I was constantly worried about knocking over and/or spilling something. And yes, I did get a strawberry on the white tablecloth, but no one lost a limb or anything, so there's a win. On Saturday we had dinner and Meg and Steve's (sorority sister + her husband) house and were joined by Stephanie and Jill (another sorority sister + her twin), so that was the second evening of doing something semi-grown up in a row. We managed to blow that on Sunday, however, when we mooched off of my dad for laundry and dinner (but hey, he offered).

I feel like I should have a concluding line, but I don't.

helicoptER

2009-07-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

Every time I walk by the hospital when the helicopter is taking off or landing, my heart skips a little faster. I think it's because of that episode of ER where the chopper skids off the roof, breaks hospital windows and finally crushes Dr. Romano as it lands on the ground. As a side note, I find the crushing of Romano pretty ridiculous because dude had his damn arm chopped off by the thing a season or two before and we're expected to believe that lightning strikes twice in the form of a helicopter?

Anyway, I finally convince myself that this is ridiculous and walk by the copter without freaking out when I was informed by our pharmacist that pretty much the same thing happened at UH in 2002. Okay, so Paul McCrane didn't get crushed in the blaze, but the wind changed and the thing crashed onto an unoccupied car, blowing out all the windows on one side of Lerner Tower (which is the part of the hospital I work in). Two of the people on the helicopter died, the third person on it actually managed to jump onto the roof before it crashed, and none of the patients in the building were hurt. It was most likely the "real life story" that the episode was based on.

So this initially tips the scales in the direction of fear, because dude, it actually happened at UH. But then you can take the rationale that it's less likely to happen again if it already happened again. But then you think of Dr. Romano with the evil chopper taking the arm and coming back again to finish the job and can only come to one conclusion: I should watch less television.

Day/End

2009-07-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

I want to go back to the weekend because the weekend was nice and the weekdays are not. Today is just a numb day and I'm trying to pass some time until I can get out of here. I'm leaving early to drive to Columbus tonight (then Cincinnati in the morning to look at apartments), but I need to stick around till at least 3:30 in case someone comes in or something happens to my patients. My mind is not here right now and I just want to get in the car.

Like I said, the weekend was fantastic, but I think it made me a little tired. I went to the Indians game on Friday which they won 15 to 3. I know as a baseball fan you're supposed to like low scoring games because it's more exciting, the pitching's better, etc, but I've always liked high scoring games. Home runs, RBIs, keep them coming. Mustard (of the Sugardale Racing Hot Dogs) made a surprise appearance in the nosebleed seats, which made me smile....Ketchup was up there in another section and Onion was nowhere to be found. Following the game were Michael Jackson fireworks - that is, fireworks occurring while Michael Jackson's music played, not fireworks in the shape of Michael Jackson - and "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" appears to have taken permanent residence in my head.

Saturday was initially a traumatic day for me - I'm at the parade minding my own business when the Krazy Kops drag me into their prison vehicle for "impersonating a prisoner" (I was wearing a striped shirt). They let me get off shortly after (actually, I kind of wanted to ride it for the rest of the parade), but the damage was done. The best part was that my mom and I were just telling Tim that we've always been afraid that the Krazy Kops will take us away even though we've never seen that happen. Someone remind me to not wear stripes next Fourth of July. I recovered and the rest of the day was spent at Dutton's finding out I'm actually quite awesome at Beer Pong (granted, I didn't have anything to drink, but that's only because I can't stand beer and that's all there was), holding a cute cute puppy, watching the fireworks with Ryann (always always entertaining), and trying to get the "George Washington" song out of my head (it's still in there, right next to "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough").

On Sunday, I went to Cedar Point with Tim, Peter, Sarah, Jason and Libby (who sadly did not get there till later in the day, stupid Libby having a job). I was expecting it to be horribly busy and crowded, but it wound up having the shortest waits I've ever experienced at Cedar Point. The longest we waited was about an hour for Maverick and that's including at least 10 minutes where the ride was broken down. We pretty much walked onto Magnum, Gemini, Blue Streak, Mantus and Raptor (the second time - the first time we waited a little bit), and only had a 25 minute ride for Top Thrill Dragster. It was thoroughly awesome.

Marrowthon

2009-06-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I went down to the lunch for cafeteria (which usually I do not do) and I came across recruiters from Be The Match, which is the new name for the National Marrow Donor Program, or NMDP. My name is Laura Hampton, and I'm here to recruit you.

If you are between the ages of 18 and 60 and are without serious health problems, including diabetes requiring insulin or severe recent infections, you are eligible to register to be a donor. There are two ways to register: (1) Online at www.marrow.org or (2) in person at the recruitment center in Cleveland (216-447-0880). When I joined back when I was 18, the process involved giving a small sample of blood and paying $25. Now the process is free (though donations are appreciated) and only requires a swab of cheek cells (if you register online, they actually send the kit to you).

If you are selected as a donor, all of your costs will be covered by the NDMP. Prior to donation, patients receive the drug filgrastim to help boost up the number of stem cells. Some people do get bone pain with this medication, but nearly all of my patients are on it and very few have problems. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of donations do not require taking marrow from the bone. Most donations involve taking the cells from the blood, in a process similar to donating plasma. Only 5% or less of your marrow is taken, which is fully replaced by the body in 4-6 weeks.

If you are pregnant or considering becoming pregnant in the future, there is also an opportunity for umbilical cord blood donation. There are a few restrictions to donating, similar to the ones above and not all hospitals are active in this process. Once again, you can go to www.marrow.org for more details.

It is impossible to predict if you will be selected as a donor. I have been in the registry for over five years and I have never been called. But no matter what, you are still one more person on the list for these patients, one more person who could potentially save a life. I see people on a daily basis who would not be here if it were not for their transplant, so I urge you to consider becoming a donor.

Garden State

2009-06-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

A year and a half ago, my grandparents moved from the house they had been living in for more years than I can remember and went into a development house a couple of towns over. The old house was this amazing sprawling one story creation that is a little difficult to describe. I once drew it out on a napkin for Tim and finally took him there a couple of years later when I heard that they would be moving. I will describe this much: The immense backyard was bordered by a stream, complete with a dock that was perfect to sit and read on. The backyard did have the downside of a certain spot by the river where one would be inevitably attacked by a swarm of bugs (which was hilarious to see if you happened to be looking out the window), but it still remained one of my favorite places to be. Last week was the first time I've visited New Jersey without being in that house, and the experience was a little odd for me.

Like I said, they moved into a development complete with nauseating street names. Even if you can overlook the cookie cutter shape of a development community, it's difficult to get around the lame street names these places always have. Babbling Brook At Noon in Spring Lane. Happy Valley of the Blades of Grass Court. The only way I could get behind living in a development is if the street names had a fun theme, like parts of the body. If my house was on Xiphoid Process Drive, I would be a happy girl.

But I digress. For all of my whining, their new place is actually quite beautiful and does have a spacious backyard (actually, spacious describes this entire place to a tee). And their basement still smells like their basement, which gives off this security blanket sensation. I have no clue what causes this scent, but they carry it with them when they visit here as well, and you always breathe in and say "It smells like New Jersey".

I wish I had recorded some of the conversations with my grandfather, because nothing I say will truly paint a picture of what it's like to talk with him. I love my grandfather, but he (a) never met a story he didn't have a related story for, (b) never met a silence that he didn't like, even if this means filling the lull with humming or whistling, and (c) often has no regard to what information is appropriate to share or not. Examples for (c) include but are not limited to recounting his inability to go to the bathroom to a near stranger and telling us that we could go upstairs and have at it if we wanted (to which we declined and awkwardly ate celery instead).

We went to the beach on Friday, which was fairly uneventful and actually included no swimming because it was too cold to do so. However, it was nice to just sit on the beach and read without having to make excuses that I shouldn't be relaxing because I have too much to do. Tim and I also wandered around the neighborhood and found several bunnies (one of which was adorably tiny), so that was pretty much a winning experience for me, save a few mosquito bites.

On Saturday, we drove down to my Aunt Jean's (my grandmother's sister; she's the wife of my Uncle Hak who passed away back in February). She lives in a cabin in the woods approximately 45 minutes away from my grandparent's house. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but (1) it involves the Garden State Parkway, (2) my grandfather insisted on driving, and (3) there was a traffic jam. Driving with my grandfather is bad enough on a normal day because he has an obsession with braking approximately two minutes whether it is warranted or not, has little awareness of anyone else who might be on the road, and most definitely does not understand the concept of right of way. So as a result, we spent a good half hour jerking around the backseat every time my grandpa thought he could move an inch. Nausea abounds.

Two hours later, we made it to my aunt's and we had a nice afternoon visiting with her and her friend Jeff (the recipient of the aforementioned bathroom to strangers story) who was helping her get my uncle's paintings cleaned for the memorial gathering she's having for Hak this weekend. Her home is completely amazing, filled with her art (pottery, photography) and his. It was nice to see it again and even nicer to visit with Jean, even if she had woken me up by calling my cell phone at 7:15 that morning. Luckily for all parties involved, my grandpa accepted Tim's offer to drive, and Tim drove for a very smooth 45 minutes. If I didn't love him already, I would have fallen in love with him for that.

On Sunday we stayed for church and left right afterwards. Naturally, my IBS chose to act up like a sullen teenager approximately five minutes before the service started and didn't want to respond to any of my pharmaceutical weapons. So I spent the first few hours of our drive home half zonked, crampy and completely afraid to eat or drink anything. It eventually went down a little, but I didn't eat anything aside from pretzels until we were about twenty minutes away from home (bless you, Red Robin). Pennsylvania is still a long ass state to drive across, just in case you were wondering.

So there's our trip in a very large nutshell. I may have complained a lot in there, but it really was nice. I may be off the writing grid for a few days here because I'm going to a concert Tim's playing in tomorrow night, and Saturday is crammed with a wedding (Alexis and Jeff's) and a funeral (a very nice man who went to Tim's church). More on that later.

6

2009-06-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

1. I saw a worker in the first floor hallway wearing fishnet tights with this flowery pattern running over them. Bold professional choice. And by bold, I mean skanky.

2. It really never ceases to amaze me how some people have absolutely no regard of the fact that they're not wearing underwear. I have seen far too many testicles lately.

3. Allergies/weather are making me feel like someone's holding my head underwater. Also pain in the assy is the flashers/floaters I keep getting in my eyes (yes, I'm going to the eye doctor, but the earliest appointment isn't till the 10th). And #3 on Laura's list of medical woes is this rash I have on my arms - It's not bothering me now (and you can't really see it, which is another plus), but it tends to get very itchy at night. It looks like a contact/allergy type thing, but I haven't really come into contact with anything new, so I'm at a loss. Kind of just hoping it runs off into the distance on its own.

4. Pilates - I need to do them. Perhaps while watching Burn Notice?7. Anyone else here watch Burn Notice? Sometimes after I watch it, my internal monologue is suddenly narrated by Michael Weston. It's somewhat alarming. And entertaining.

5. This list is kind of depressing and true.

6. There is a dime sticking out of the tampon machine. I was tempted to take it, but then I thought that maybe someone would have a period related emergency and have no money on them and that this dime would help them out. We have pads for the patients, but they're grossly huge, as if we've gone back to the days where you had to attach a belt to the frickin things. Glad I had no part in that era. Hope someone else doesn't take the tampon dime.

Catch-Up

2009-06-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

Apparently I've taken another unintentional hiatus, and this is who/what I blame:

1. My work

2. Job searching

3. Friday - Mack arrived in the afternoon and we almost immediately detoured to Giant Eagle for party shopping (which apparently includes two pies, if you're Mack), then to my parent's briefly to visit (and finish my laundry), then to the park for volleyball (though I was on the DL for my bruised wrist from last time I played), and then to the apartment for the party. Highlights included disturbing stories about plungers (yes, stories is meant to plural), our bathtub turning brown from everyone washing the sand off their feet, being accused of cheating because I managed to guess "The Shawshank Redemption" in Scene It without any of the letters being filled in, and the apple pie collapse of 2009. All in all, a good evening.

4. Saturday - A couple of words for you Mack: pig in a lifejacket. Anyway, most of the day was consumed by Meg and Steve's wedding (Meg is a sorority sister, for those of you who don't know her), which was quite nice. Stamp of approval on the bride and bridesmaid dresses, and I really loved Meg's blue shoes. I think Mack set a record of number of vodka and cranberries consumed in a four hour period, but since I love drunk Mack, this was a good time. Afterwards, we stopped in at Alexis' bachelorette party and drunk Mack took me for a piggyback ride that almost resulted in an injured Kristen and me being thrown onto a parked car. Once again, a good time, I just wish we would have been there for more of the festivities.

5. Sunday - Mack left relatively early, so I walked over to the woman's pavilion where Tim's church was having a service/picnic. Later we went putt-putting in Strongsville with Peter, Libby and Marissa. The course there was cute, and between us there were five holes-in-one (two of them were mine. None were Marissa's...that girl has some rage issues with putting the ball). I know other stuff happened that day, but my mind's at a loss, so we're just going to leave it at that.

6. The least successful trip to Cedar Point in history - Tim, Libby and I went yesterday and we were greeted by some crummy weather. We waited in line for Raptor for over an hour and were actually seated on the ride ready to go when they made us get off because it was raining. We eventually rode, but not after waiting for awhile. We tried to go on Blue Streak, but they had mechanical difficulties. We made it on Disaster Transport, but that doesn't change the fact that Disaster Transport needs to last longer to warrant its wait. Libby and Tim rode Magnum and Mean Streak, but my stomach started hurting, so I sat those out. We left around four because Tim needed to be back for a meeting by six. I have never done so little at CP. Thankfully all of us have season passes, so it wasn't a complete waste.

7. Columbine by David Cullen - I started reading it when I got home last night and haven't been able to put it down (the stomach keeping me stationary probably aided that more than it typically would). I'd be reading it right now, but it's easier to pretend that you're doing work when you're typing at a computer than when you're in the corner reading a book.

Other random things:
1. Every time I see the guy putting candy in the vending machines, I want to grab it and run away. I don't really want the candy save maybe a Twix bar, but I just want to run around throwing candy at people.
2. Apparently I just had part of a saltine wrapper attached to my forehead and had no idea. Scary. And sadly typical.
3. There's a guy in the lobby who looks exactly like the guy in Austin Powers who threw shoes.
4. My school loans are officially paid off, and I say yay.
5. I saw a bunny outside the hospital this morning. Not in the scary part by the street, but the part next to Case where it's pretty. It looked like a nice bunny place.
6. I want to go bowling. Like right now.
7. This entry has become too long, goodbye.

Parts One-Five

2009-06-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

Sorry to abuse my list format once again, but I lack the time/energy to form thoughts any other way...

Part One - Mathematics:
- Full weekend + busy ass week at work = mini hiatus from writing
- Full weekend = Drinking w/Katy + Babysitting Ryann + Dinner w/Megan + Diana's w/Alexis, Jeff, Tim and Peter + Church + Lunch at Hampton's + Volleyball w/Hampton spawn/Jason
- Large bruise on my right arm = Volleyball + Stupidity + Bruising easily
- My persistent eye twitch = Lack of sleep + Stress

Part Two - Things I Need to Do:
- Clean the rest of my apartment including vacuuming + mass amounts of windex
- Donate blood
- Go to the store to get some wrapping paper
- Wrap presents for all those people getting married
- Put Grover in the computer room while I'm wrapping presents because you can't wrap presents with shredded paper.
- Remember to go to the social security office on Friday to apply for my name change
- Do laundry
- Figure out how to get to Meg's wedding/reception
- Find out what exactly was in that wonderful drink I had on Friday. Pineapple juice, vodka, peach schnapps and something else...grenadine?

Part Three - Thank you:
- To crazed dancing man dancing on the corner of Euclid and Ford. You made my day.

Part Four - What can I eat for dinner:
- Turkey burger
- Peanut butter & jelly
- Easy mac- Turkey sandwich if Tim bought turkey
- Eat own weight in banana bread (delicious recipe w/whole wheat flour and applesauce, yum)

Part Five - Things That Have Happened Since I wrote this and left Work:
- Went to target, got wrapping paper and a frozen dinner - Delicious microwave lasagna, thank you Smart Ones
- Donated blood and have that pink ace thing around my arm. The woman who drew my blood might have worked with my grandmother when she was a nurse
- Off to do some other things on the list

50%

2009-05-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

Laura joining you from her parent's house where she initially was mooching off their laundry and is now mooching off of their dinner (in my defense, mom asked me if I wanted to stay, and chicken sounded better than sandwich or whatever that is I have in the freezer again). This is the last of my six days off, and I am officially depressed about that. It helps that there's only two work days to get through, but I was looking forward to my time off and now it's pretty much over. Unless, you know everyone magically gets cured of their diseases and they say I can go home. And still pay me, of course.

I really should devise a system of Laura points. It would bore you to death and keep me busy on the slow days of work, so really it's a win-win situation for me. So now I have two days of work, a weekend where I have just about nothing to do for the first time in awhile (anyone want to hang out? I am literally free all weekend). I could go for some volleyball, bowling or a margarita right about now. And out.

Eighteen

2009-05-21T18:38:00.000-07:00

1) Only a little bit longer and I am off for six days. Doesn't six days sound beautiful?
2) What's even better is that these six days include the Billy Joel/Elton John concert, a potential trip to Put-In-Bay, seeing Alexis, and finally interviewing in Cincinnati on Tuesday
3) Friday and Tuesday count as my days off for the weeks, Monday is Memorial Day and I'm taking off Wednesday because I wasn't sure how late we'd be getting back on Tuesday. That equals six.
4) Props to my mom who I presume is watching el gatos, per usual, and my sister for allowing us to stay at her place on Monday night, thus breaking up the drive so we don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to get to Cinci.
5) Lorna Doones and chai lattes are my downfall.
6) Apparently I will not have to work weekends unless the service gets really busy and I feel like helping out. They thought it was stupid for me to train for something I'll barely get to do, so if we're swamped or someone really needs to switch, they'll ask me, but otherwise my weekends continue to be free (hint hint)
7) Speaking of hints, I am available during the day on Saturday, Monday and Wednesday. Just saying.
8) Today is completely depressing patient wise
9) Nothing for nine.
10) The Botanical Garden is perhaps my new favorite place in Cleveland. I went over the weekend, and I am in love with the area where the butterflies and birds fly in the open. I could spend hours in there.
11) Shout out to my aunt who apparently reads this on a regular basis, kept me company this weekend and made some tasty good chicken with doubly tasty good grilled red peppers.
12) If you're ever at the Art Museum's cafe and think that drinking their bottled Shirley Temple is a good idea, just don't.
13) There's something about walking down the halls of the outpatient cancer center that makes me want to do a cartwheel. I think it's because their floors are carpeted and ours aren't. Regardless, I am not cartwheeling because I'm wearing a skirt and like to pretend I'm somewhat professional.
14) I've been in the office alone for so long that I'm beginning to wonder if I've stumbled into a horror movie or a practical joke.
15) The door just opened, but apparently they saw me and figured I'd be of no help. Which is quite possibly true. Or they were looking for food and thought I'd beat them up if they took my banana.
16) There's a nurse that I constantly want to call Emily because she looks like someone I went to school with.
17) My cherry passion tic tacs have far too many cherry and not enough passion ones.
18) I have the song from when they do the dance contest on Saved by the Bell stuck in my head. Which is weird because, yeah I did see part of that episode on Saturday, but you'd think it'd enter my brain sooner and not be prompted by working on an oncology floor where there is no music or dancing.

Weekday Update

2009-05-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have a song from Muppet Treasure Island stuck in my head, you know the one that Kermit and Miss Piggy are singing when they're hanging from ropes over a cliff, and it's supposed to be all romantic but it keeps cutting to the pirates playing in all the treasure?
- I am still mad at myself for not figuring out the Grey's Anatomy twist before it happened. I was so focused on thinking that the woman pushed the guy under the bus that I never stopped to think of any the clues we were getting. That said, good show last night and I must find out the song from the end and download it.
- I'm finishing up my study guide and one of my favorite medical terms has to be micropenis.
- I saw an article on my home page that said that weddings should stop using assigned seating, because it makes people feel awkward and like they're not at the table they want to be at. Personally, I went to a wedding once where seating wasn't assigned and it felt more awkward that being stuck at a weird table. We had to get there early and rush to get a table together and even then some people got shot down. I think it's better to assign wisely. I certainly hope I did. And that was one of my favorite things to plan for the wedding, actually.
- It also mentioned this site: http://www.bridesagainstbreastcancer.org/ which I'm thinking about contributing to. Odds are my wedding dress is just going to sit around for years and years, and then I either won't have a daughter (I feel I'm doomed to have all boys for some reason) or she'll be some skinny bitch who it'll fall off of anyway, so maybe I should give it to a good cause. Something to think about, anyway.
- I miss my wedding cake. That was damn ass good cake. What can I do in order for Tim's aunt to make me another cake? Maybe someone else with similar cake tastes just needs to get married or have a baby, because lord knows I'm not doing either currently.
- My grandparents and great aunt are in town this weekend. Therefore Laura will most likely be busy and not writing. Sure you're all devastated. Go cry yourselves to sleep now.

Bit It

2009-05-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

Oh leftover Melt sandwich, you were positively delicious. There is a sandwich size shape in my abdomen because of you, and I love you for it. However, you must be digested more before I can walk around the hospital (or block, if it's warm enough out there).

I went over to the park across the street from Severance Hall - It has lots of trees, a pond and sunny areas too, so I've taken to go there when I have a chance. Today I made the mistake of taking a step in what I thought was a puddle. It turned out to be a big mudslide and oh, I slid. I somehow managed to not land in the pond, but I wound up with mud caked on my right leg, a spot of mud on my shirt, and spattered all over my lab coat. In front of a group of bratty middle schoolers who in no way appreciated my ability to laugh at myself.

And come to think of it, why weren't they in school? It was too late to be a lunch break and too early for them to be out for the day. Lucky for me, I keep a pair of scrubs in my locker in case of emergency, so I changed into those as soon as I got back. Also our pharmacist keeps a spare lab coat around in case we have med students or apparently if one of us falls in mud. I look like that kid looks at the end of Big when he changes from Tom Hanks to himself, but is still wearing Tom Hanks-sized clothes. Now if only I could get the mud to come out of my iPod cover.

Case of the Crabbies

2009-05-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

I am covered in rice cake crumbs and am about two seconds away from falling asleep on my keyboard. I slept straight through the night, but I still feel like I didn't get enough rest. And yes, technically I didn't, but I'm sleeping the same amount I do every night so there shouldn't be such a huge change. Of course, it doesn't help matters that absolutely nothing is going on here, I've already finished all my work, and my stomach's feeling a little iffy so I don't want to go on another walk (yes, I already took one) just now. If I could just go home and sleep in my bed for another hour, I think I'd be okay. Well, I'd be okay once I got over the post-nap crabbiness I tend to suffer from. It's one of the reasons why I so rarely nap.

I currently fear the impending car crabbiness that may ensue from our seven and a half hour drive to Peoria tomorrow (and to be repeated again on Sunday). I get antsy in the car and sick of driving quickly, so it makes for a bad combination. I haven't been on a long drive for almost two years, so maybe I have it in me to behave. But then again, this is the first of several (going to Cincinnati later this month which counts as a medium drive to me, then going to New Jersey in June, then heading back to Cinci sometime again I'm assuming), so only time will tell. I will be bringing so much stuff to do with me that it'll look like I'll be gone for years, not a few days.

Seriously, do these rice cakes have glue in them?

I went to my car today to drop off a bunch of boxes from the PA office (they wanted to toss them, I'm going to recycle them) and stopped in the medical staff office for some tea on my way back. In addition to grabbing some blueberry lemon passion tea (which smells amazing, but I haven't had yet because it's still very hot) I got some of the free individually wrapped sixlets they had. I really remember sixlets tasting better. Do they always have a weird aftertaste, or is it more likely that it they're just old? I think the last time I had them was about six years ago, so I'm drawing a blank.

Nothing Clever

2009-05-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

- I've apparently decided that I like sitting on my couch drinking tea better than cleaning my apartment. Fortunately I have a week and a half before I have my family (including my grandparents and great aunt) over for lunch.
- I need to find a vegan recipe for said lunch. I keep searching for it online, then a recipe for chicken comes up and I get mad at the search engine. I really need to consult with my associate first anyway, because lord knows he's the far better cook.
-I found a really good recipe for banana bread using applesauce instead of oil/butter. I need to find more sweet (literally and awesomely, that is) recipes to use in the future.
- Mack keeps talking about pie and it makes me want pie. In the words of my mom: bitch.
- I read about this in Time magazine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8idvGFgxLf8. Enjoy.
- The train of thought has left the station, so I need to run off. Or continue to sit on my couch and not talk to you.

Tales from the Stairwell

2009-05-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

I had the day off Monday, so I spent it as I usually do - over at my parent's house, doing laundry. I am not ashamed to admit that I frequently take advantage of the free washer/dryer and generally avoid the scariness of my apartment's basement. Why pay three dollars a load when you can get it for free? Anyway, so I come home from my parent's at about 4:45 pm, go into the vestibule to get the mail, and then see that there is a man with half of his butt hanging out, holding onto the railing and trying not to fall down the stairs.

Typically I would be eager to run ahead and assess such a person in need, but instead I groaned and momentarily considered going up the back stairs. The reason for this is because I know this guy. He's our downstairs neighbor who I have never seen sober, who Tim has had to help into his apartment before because the guy was too loaded to move. So I'm about 99 percent sure of what I'm about to find, and completely obligated to go find out.

So I get into our stairwell and he miraculously notices me. At this point, I have to physically catch him and lay him down at the bottom of the landing so he doesn't smack his head into the doorway. I try to help him up the stairs once, twice, three times, but he doesn't budge. His body is dead weight and he stares at me as if he doesn't know why his legs aren't moving. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I ask him if he's got any weakness, anything wrong with him, to which he replies, "No, I'm just a little smashed".

A "little"? Honey, you can't get your ass past the doorway, I think you're more than just a little smashed. The best part is that he has take-out with him (some of the fries have actually spilled out of the styrofoam container) so obviously he had to get somewhere, order food, pay for said food and get back into the building. It's not just like he wandered into the courtyard with a 144-pack. I wonder if he had some sort of magical anti-drunk potion that wore off just as he got to the inside stairs.

I get him into a sitting position and see if he can turn around and scoot up the stairs on his butt. He stares at me blankly for about thirty seconds, then takes this to mean "I should grab onto the railing and pull like hell". Miraculously, the railing doesn't break, but he decides that he needs me to push him. I try to pull him up with my hands for a good couple of minutes, but I'm working against the fact that he weighs at least 230 pounds, is not moving at all, and has the effects of gravity and about a liter of vodka working against him. I try to convince him to let me call an ambulance, but he tells me not to. He gets upset and tells me just to leave him there, so that's what I do for the moment.

I go back up to my apartment, where my cats are immediately puzzled by the smell of a distillery on my hands. I put my laundry basket aside and pick up my phone to call the landlord's office. I tell them what's going on and that I could really use some help, to which they respond "I'm not sure what we're going to do about that, but we'll call you back". I hang up the phone and I hear one of my other neighbors come in with her dog and start talking to him. It becomes clear that she's now trying to do the same thing I was a few minutes ago. After retrieving Moxy, who has of course, wander into our stairwell, I head back down to the party.

By pulling on him, and by my neighbor pushing on the drunk's butt, forcing him up the stairs (god bless her), we manage to get him into the front hall of his apartment. He's so "smashed" that he can't even make it more than a few inches in, and she has to physically move his foot so she can partially close the door. It's at this point that she mentions that she thinks she saw his head bleeding and wonders if we should go over his bleeding drunken head and call an ambulance.

I call the apartment office yet again, but since it's now after five, I have to call the emergency line, which of course, no one answers. I leave an extremely long-winded message and wait a few minutes for someone to call me back. Eventually my phone rings, and they tell me "well, there's really nothing we can do...go ahead and call 911".

So I do and I repeat my story for the second time. I learn that (1) the connection to 911 isn't always crystal clear; (2) my cell phone makes a fun noise when it calls 911; (3) after you've called 911 your phone goes into "emergency mode" and you have to exit out of it before you can do anything else with your phone. I go outside and wait for two police officers to show up (and it's comforting to know they showed up quickly, you know in case I ever fall down the stairs for non-drunk reasons). I tell them my story, let them in the building and go to my apartment in case the dude freaks the eff out (which I know I can outrun him, but still, I didn't want to see this guy again). The police officers were definitely familiar with him, remarking that "he may look different in the light, but we know him". So I listened from upstairs as they talked to him for a bit, and eventually heard them say "well, good luck buddy" and their cars left the premises.

I'm honestly curious as to what the police policy as well as a landlord's policy is when it comes to these issues. This guy smelled like his liver was shutting down, was possibly bleeding from the head and couldn't move anywhere. I know their hands are tied if an ambulance is refused, but still, it just seems wrong that there's not more that can be done. This clearly wasn't the first time, and I doubt it will be the last time. I may be selfish, but I really hope I'm not around when it happens again.

Absofrigginlutely

2009-04-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

This week is taking absofrigginlutely forever to finish, and I still have two days to go. I'm working a Saturday for the first time in my bone marrow history, and I'm actually looking forward to it a bit. For one, you're allowed to leave as soon as you're done with your notes and I'm working with Linda and Lisa (the fellow). Normally only one PA works the weekend, but they want me to work a couple weekends with senior PAs before I take one on by my lonesome. Even though I'm not going to be doing weekends on my own till June, I figured now is a good time because I'm pretty booked up on weekends for the next two months. Plus our service is really busy right now, so I wanted to come in on a weekend where it'd actually be worth it.

So this means I get Sunday and Monday off, then work three days, then on Friday we're heading to Illinois for Lindsay and Bryan's wedding. Despite the seven hour car ride, it'll be nice to get out of town and see an old friend get married to a really nice guy. I'm also really looking forward to the weekend of the 15th - My grandparents are coming in town from New Jersey, which is no surprise because they usually come every May and November, but this time they're bringing my great Aunt Jean with them. I'm so happy to see her, since I so rarely get to and I haven't seen her since my Uncle Hak died earlier this year. I know she really wanted to come to Ohio for the wedding and wasn't able to, so I'm glad that she can make it now.

I was about to ask everyone what I should eat for dinner, but I realized that by the time I get home and post this, I'll hopefully have eaten. I really shouldn't think about it too much because I'll decide on something and then it'll be gone or something will be wrong with it and then I'll have dinner rage.

I think there's actually something for me to do right now, so I'm going to go do that.

You and Me and the BFZ

2009-04-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

On Friday Mike, Sarah and later Peter came over for Cavs, and Scattergories, which is apparently the activity of choice for anyone who comes to our apartment (well, whenever Mike's involved, at least). My favorite moment was when both Mike and Sarah listed "Dudes" as "Things in a Park," and when Mike decided that "Things at the Beach" should include truckers, but not tan people.

On Saturday I walked about five miles, which was actually easier than I expected and I was barely sore at all. I managed to run into both of my parents on this walk (well, I guess I actually walked to my mom, but it was weird that I ran into my dad, nonetheless). A little later Tim and I hopped on the Rapid and went to the Indians game. The seats were wonderful, the weather was beautiful and the Indians sucked. Hard. I did almost run into Mustard from the hot dog race and came very close to getting to meet Bob Feller (damn the publicity bitch who closed the line a full half-hour before she was supposed to), so it wasn't a complete bust. Despite the pain of watching the Tribe, I was very happy to be watching a game in person again (thanks for the Christmas gift Tim - really).

Sunday was probably my favorite day of all, despite the first appearance of the BFZ*. One of the couples from Tim's church had their 40th anniversary lunch right after the service and invited all the members to join them. From there we went to my parents (with our two lazy cats in tow...seriously, they slept under the couch almost the entire time). After we ate dinner, we walked around Edgewater Park and then went down to the Metroparks where we were literally ten feet from a deer (which I naturally named Ollie). I ended the night sitting on Kristen's front porch, drinking a margarita. I like front porches and margaritas and since I'm lacking the former, it was very nice to have someone who was willing to provide both.

*The BFZ stands for "Big Fucking Zit" and it currently resides directly underneath my left eye, though I am fearful that it will spread to my entire face and then everyone will call me the BFZ, and Roald Dahl will certainly not write a book about it.

Rambly

2009-04-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, thus begins attempt number two of my eating healthier, exercising more, not calling it a diet because I don't enjoy the connotations of the word...maybe I should come up with an acronym for that. Or maybe I'll just call it my "be less ginormous plan". It's a scary place for me to be. I've been reading food articles I come across online and have become somewhat addicted to the articles on "Eat this, not that". Then I start wondering if I do lose weight, what percent of it will be my boobs (answer: 95%), and if I were to cut off my leg, just how much weight would that be? I really am curious on what the loss of a limb does for your body weight. I mean, your BMI would go down because you lost weight, but what if you were still scary huge on the rest of you? I wonder if the BMI has an asterisk for that one, as in *normal weight unless you lost your leg in a freak lawnmower accident.

I've decided that I should go up to Erie more often, despite the closing of my long-time love Papa Joe's (yes I know I just spent the above paragraph talking about eating healthier, but this place holds sentimental value to me, not to mention the value of the taste of their pizza...you will be missed). As evidenced by my last entry, I had a lot of fun with Mack, and I really enjoyed meeting everyone (and hanging out with Adrienne again...Why couldn't you have been in school when I was?).

I'm writing in bed and I'm starting (well really continuing) to get sleepy, so I think I'm going to sign off for tonight.

Letdown

2009-04-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

It's far too quiet. I can hear the rumble of a few cars driving by and the soft tap of the rain on the windows and the ticking of the clock, but it still feels quiet because those are not things you normally hear when you are occupied. I tried watching television, but became bored with it and I'm too tired to do actual work, but not tired enough to go to bed. Tim's home, but he was so exhausted from his trip that he went to bed over an hour ago.

When I started to write earlier in the day, I was going to be more upbeat and tell you about everything wonderful that happened this weekend, but I was distracted by one thing or another. Now it's several hours later and I just feel zapped of energy and I don't feel like I can be particularly entertaining right now. I'd spare you the trouble of reading this, but it's far too quiet and my mind gets a little loud.

There's a beautiful pattern on the sunroom window where the rain has hit and it's illuminated by the orange-yellow light from the street. I'd love to photograph it, but it would never come across like I'm seeing it and I have a cat sleeping up against me. It's cold in the apartment tonight and the tip of my nose feels like an ice cube.I hate the feeling I get after a good trip or a holiday or anything else that there was build up for. I love having things to look forward to and I don't like it when there's one less. I'm selfish like that. Thank goodness that I made tomorrow my day off for the week. I just don't feel like being the PA and turning all my sympathy and sincerity on. I feel like being a selfish melancholy bitch, and none of those combine well with medicine.

The clock makes a distinctive noise when it changes hours. I got up and the cats stole my blanket and it's too cold in here to go without.

Interview with the Mackpire

2009-04-18T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone,

Mackenzie and I are awesome, aside from when she quotes "She's All That" and points out her disturbance that Rachel Leigh Cook catches Freddie Prinze Jr's penis ball at the end of the movie. So far we have to gone to Sheetz, had a Sheetz hangover and spilled water on the coffee table. We are very exciting people. Oh, and I also played the wordfinder game on Mack's phone and managed to get "joy," "vagina" and "testicles" one round. The world is proud.
I may have seen a dead turkey on the side of the road. Mack doesn't like talking to the world, but I am going to make her. Thus begins my interview with Mackenzie.....

Laura: Would you catch Freddie Prinze Jr's penis ball?
Mackenzie: No, I don't want his penis ball. But I do like the creepy girl behind him who's checking out his ass.
L: Would you catch anyone else's penis ball?
M: Heenheheenheheh.
L: Is that your creeper laugh?
M: Yes
L: Mack, is every Saturday "Faturday"
M: Yes, it's a weekly ritual of unhealthiness
Mack goes upstairs presumably to get something or pee, but possibly is just trying to get away from me. Bitch shouldn't have invited me to Erie, that's all I'm saying. I think she's passing a kidney stone.
L: Mack, if you had a wedding registry, what would you register for?
M: This is a hard question cause I could go two ways with it. I don't like that you type everything I write.
L: Deal. And that doesn't make sense
M: That I say.
L: Once again, deal with it.
M: I could either make fun of registeries or legitimately think of thngs I like.
L: Up to you, Mama Macky. SUCK IT YANKEES! INDIANS THREE RUN HOME RUN!
M: (strokes chin) I want a chemistry set with beaker mugs and test tube shot glasses.
L: Would your husband be allowed to drink out of them?
M: Yes.
L: Would I?
M: Hmmm...yes.
L: Would I have to pay you money first or are you actually going to be cool and let your friend drink for free?
M: (long pause)
L: Okay, I think you answered that one, ass fairy. That was going to say ass face but I spelled it wrong and kept going.
M: Okay, Sheetz
L: You want to register for Sheetz or do I have to give you Sheetz in order to use the magical chemistry set glasses?
M: Both. Mmmm, Sheetz. BUT NO JONES SODA!
L: I know, Sheetz didn't have any Jones Soda today. Does that make you angry, Mack?
M: Grrrr.
L: If you could slap any celebrity, who would you slap?
M: George Bush. The W.
L: Anyone less presidential, you know, so secret service wouldn't kick your ass?
M: Well, I want to slap someone that not everyone would slap, so I could be known as the one who slapped him. Do the Real Housewives of Atlanta count? Because I want to slap all of them collectively.
L: Would you slap each one individually, or would you slap one and they'd fall over into each other like dominoes?
M: They'd be in a line and I'd slap each one as I went by.
L: You know who creeps me out? The millionaire matchmaker. Next question, what is her deal?
M: She has weird bangs
L: She has a weird genetic code making up her face. The bangs just highlight that. And yes, you can eat my chips, thanks for not asking.
M: Yummah. They smelled good.
L: Do you do that at restaurants too? Should I be on guard at O'Charley's tonight?
M: Yes, I'll steal your rolls.
L: Dirty. Dude, Mack just took a bite out of a Twizzler then hit me in the face with it. I think I have Mack spit on my cheek

M: No, I slapped you with the end that I didn't put in my mouth.
L: Dirty.
M: I can't find my Indians shirt. Do you think I maybe left it at your mom's apartment?
L: My mom has an apartment? And she invites you there without me
M: She's my mom now too, bitch. Posada just got hit with a ball in his crotch. Well, not in his crotch.
L: Mack, please don't tell me people got ball-crotched when they didn't. Where did he really get hit?
M: In the inner thigh
L: Please learn the difference between inner thighs and genitalia.
M: How do you get an ERA of 30?
L: Maybe from getting hit in the inner thighs and/or genitals.
M: He hit him with a non-genitalia ball that hit him in the inner thigh.
L: What?
M: I explained myself quite clearly. That guy had 22 earned runs in six innings this season. His name should not be pronounced "Wong" - It's clearly spelled "Wang".
L: If you had a baseball team, what would you name it?
M: Where is my baseball team located?
L: Where would you like your baseball team to be located?
M: Intercourse, PA. And they would be the Intercourse Non-Genitalia Ballers.
L: Classy.

Conversation was abruptly ended as computer started to die.

M: You are the weakest link, goodbye.

Armpit Bump Thing

2009-04-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

- I've got a bump thing on the edge of my left armpit. It doesn't hurt if I leave it alone, but of course I can't leave it alone. It's too superficial to be a developing lymph node and it doesn't feel like it's a zit, so I'm using the highly medical term "armpit bump thing" to describe it.
- I love the geese who hang out in the park on MLK. It's getting close to the time when they have goslings, so that makes me happy (following the mathematical formula "Laura + seeing baby animals = squealing and general happiness")
- I get the urge to vomit every time I see CC Sabathia in a Yankees cap. Which is quite often because I keep checking the Indians score. I'm still a little disappointed that Grady didn't hit a home run on CC's first pitch to get the first home run in the new damn stadium
- I fucking hate the Yankees.
- I think I hate the Red Sox more. Why is it that Boston and New York fans are so damn annoying? I can deal with Chicago and Detroit and we're basically soul sisters with Kansas City. It's just those bitch asses of the East that annoy the crap out of me.
- And the Atlanta Braves. But that's left over from the 90s.
- I need to wake up a little more if I'm going to see the orchestra tonight (working under the assumption that I'll actually get out of here on time). I wish it wasn't looked down on to bring something with you (like cross-stitching or even a sketchbook) to the orchestra because I actually pay attention more when my hands are busy.
- Yes, that is what she said.
- This bullet point is reserved for thanking my dear old mom (in a very real and legally binding way) for watching los gatos this weekend. Tim's in NY starting Friday and I'm in Erie on Saturday/Sunday, so Grover and Moxy will very much appreciate the feeding and general company.
- The Indians are now beating the Yankees 10-1. Why can't I be watching this game?
- Speaking of things I wish that I could watch instead of working, Tim got me How I Met Your Mother season one for Easter, only I didn't actually get it until last night (it was in Tim's nightstand and not my Easter basket, like he thought) so I haven't watched any of it yet.
- Rounds starting, have to go now....

Cold Low Battery

2009-04-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm freezing cold right now. I want to layer myself in the pages coming out of the printer. If only I had a pile of laundry to drop on myself, now that would be perfection. I do realize that I'm in a hospital with blankets, but I'd feel a little lame sitting here all huddled up in a hospital blankets. I remember when my apartment in Erie used to get really cold, I'd sit at my desk with a blanket over me, then I'd put a tea kettle on my lap to warm me up. I know that I also had the ability to turn up the heat there, but we were cheap and gas was expensive. It actually worked very well, and I think if I had one right now, I'd put in on my lap.

My battery is running low. I don't know if I'm sleeping poorly, suffering at the hands of paxil (which I've been off now for over a week), am getting sick (the coldness/headache I have may be indicative or part of the above), or if I'm just sick and tired of being at work.

I cannot wait for the weekend - There's the Indians home opener on Friday (which better not be a repeat of Monday afternoon's game) with Peter's birthday celebration that night. There's baking with my mom on Saturday and just the pleasantness of having the day off (I may require a movie and puzzle because I am that lame). And Sunday, of course is Easter. I'm potentially going to Sunrise service (I love sunrise service, but it's early and cold, and I'm a wimp-ass), then we're going to Tim's church for breakfast, my church at 11, possibly stopping over at my parent's before heading over to Tim's cousin's at 3, and then going to my grandparent's for dinner. I know, you absolutely needed to know all that, but I needed to straighten it out in writing. I love holidays. I wish they happened more often.

I went to Target and bought myself a triple feature DVD that includes I, Robot, The Day After Tomorrow and the best thing in the world - Independence Day. I did not set out to buy stuff for myself, but it only cost 13 dollars for all three movies. I simply had to do it. I need to go figure out if my elliptical will go above level one or if it's already breaking. It better not be.

Short

2009-04-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

Slap on the wrist for not writing more. I blame the following: having a life for part of this weekend, Cincinnati hunting, lethargy, and having Moxy sit on my lap for an hour straight last night (so I suppose my not wanting to move her also played a role in the not writing). Like I said last week, I'm very excited about Cincinnati but am a tad overwhelmed with answering all the questions it brings up. Enough about that for now, because (a) I don't really care to go into it and (b) Everything will work out itself soon enough.

Weekend was for the most part fantastic. We took Tim out to dinner on Friday night to celebrate and I learned that drinking three margaritas so rapidly was probably not my greatest idea. Actually, I'm not sure if it was three margaritas - Might have been more, might have been less - I kept adding some to my glass following the second one. Anyway, it was tasty good and I wasn't too obnoxious (I hope). I've decided that Sarah is my ultimate Cranium wing man. She is practically psychic about the answers (example - guesses "watermelon" from a half drawn circle). She also managed to get us to guess "tofu" in charades, which I find very impressive. I've also decided that "Saved by the Bell" is perhaps one of the most difficult phrases to have during charades. Poor Jason. Third lesson is that Tim gets overly upset when his answer is not picked for "Apples to Apples". Weirdly upset, but in a fun way, if that makes absolutely any sense.

This is short because I got cut off at work, forgot to write last night and was trying not too go too long without writing. And there you have it. I need to go to work. Well, actually put some pants on first, then work.

ER

2009-04-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

Today I take you on a pop culture entry that I realize is somewhat lame, but I can't seem to help myself, the subject of which is the ER series finale. I agree with other people when they say it wasn't incredibly "wowing" or overly emotional, but I'm still okay with that. I very much appreciated just how much the episode nodded to the pilot - Rory Gilmore was obviously John Carter (witnessing a birth on her first day, not being sure that she can handle working there), Morris was in many of the scenarios Greene was in (woken by Lydia in the exam room, etc), and it was obvious in the end that Carter was going to come back and step into the mentor role that Mark had held.

Now I don't completely believe that Mark's daughter would have wound up as a med student, but I think the point is that Mark fixed her in the end, and they wanted her to be a symbol of him living on. That's okay with me. I would have loved a little more of the old cast and a little less of the new people, but some of that had to be done for the newer fans and to make those connections to Carter in the pilot. I sobbed like a little bitch with a skinned knee during the retrospective - I really liked the shots of the empty ER with scenes superimposed on the walls and floors, and they showed several moments on the show that I can never make it past without crying (don't even get me started on the episode with Mark's death - that turns into an ugly cry in about zero point five), and it was nice to hear them talk about the late Michael Crichton.

However, I barely got choked up during the actual episode. I think that was alright with me too. I was beyond thrilled that no staff member died, since there have been way too many of those over the years. I was also happy that it wasn't a stunt episode like an explosion in the ER or something along those lines. I typically love those types of episodes, but this was not the place for them. I would be interested to know what Michael Crichton (the series creator) would have written had he been alive, but I really don't think this episode would have disappointed him.

I haven't been a completely faithful ER fan these last few years - I caught an occasional episode here and there for the past few years, then watched this entire season because I knew it would be the last - but it has always held a place for me. When I was fourteen years old, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had given up on wanting to be a teacher and wasn't really sure what I wanted to be. When I was even younger, I had sworn that I would never go into medicine, actually, even though I had always had some interest in disease. Then I started watching ER, and as I became more hooked on the show, I found myself wanting to understand what they were talking about. So I picked up a medical book. And another. And another. And somewhere along the line, I found out how much I loved it. I'm not saying I became a physician assistant because of ER, but it certainly helped me realize it. And for that (as lame as it sounds to be thanking a television show), I am grateful.

5

2009-04-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

1. I wish I would have taken the day off. We had very few patients and a lot of people to cover them and it was absolutely beautiful outside.

2. It feels like a rhinoceros is trying to poke its way out of my uterus.

3. Spamalot was pretty good, but I think I might have liked it more if I had never seen a Monty Python movie (which would be quite sad, actually). It's just that you start to anticipate the lines and get mad if they don't do them well or don't say them at all. The Lady of the Lake was amazing, though.

4. It's days like today that make me wish I had a front porch or a back yard. We have the courtyard, but it's pretty shaded in there so you don't get a ton of sunlight. Plus you have to vie for the bench or sit on the ground

5. Plus there's always the danger of being attacked by one of the insanely large pigeon gangs that frequent our courtyard. It's never happened before, but I really think it could.

Pilates Indians Java Jive

2009-03-31T08:37:00.000-07:00

- I need to cut my bangs. Which scares me somewhat because I'm afraid I'll slip and wind up with something awful like baby bangs. Remember when people had baby bangs? Those were some of the fugliest things I've ever seen. And don't say my fear's unwarranted because I have a cat that leaps on my shoulders whenever she gets the chance (And Grover who tries to leap onto my shoulders but only makes it to my hips and just hangs there perilously)
- People who drink as much iced tea as I drank this morning should not be so tired. What good is tea if all it does is make you pee?
- I tried a pilates video on Sunday and I really liked it. It was calming but I still feel like I worked out. I actually think I pulled my pilates muscle in my lower abdomen. But in a good way?
- Does anyone want to watch the Indians home opener (next Friday, the 10th)? I'm off all day and I'm ready for some baseball.
- Sadly I'm working for the actual first game (next Monday), but I'm hoping I'll be able to follow it on my computer. You know, like a good employee does.

Pick-Up Cow

2009-03-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

- I've started about five different entries and they all seem to wilt after about a paragraph. Therefore, we're going to try the old favorite, the list format.

- I'm in the process of getting my prescriptive license and I have to do the most tedious things to do so, including this mind-numbingly boring DVD I have to watch. Correction - DVDs. Fifteen hours worth of DVDs. They couldn't just send us the powerpoints, they had to record a conference and show those.

- I got off work two hours early today and took advantage of it by going out to Steelyard Commons for a bit. Sad news is that Tim was actually off work until 5:45 (unlike most Wednesdays) and I only got to see him for a half hour. Happy new is that I got a cheap pair of flip flops for Tim and a cheap bra for me.

- I want to buy patio furniture. This makes no sense since we don't have a yard, and even if we did, we could use the money for something else. I just really like patio furniture

- I need to find an Easter outfit. This probably sounds silly, but I like my holidays to be as stress free as possible and having my outfit picked out in advance really helps me out.

- I also need to figure out what the exact plan for Easter is. Yeah, I'll handle that before the day too.

- I was driving home today and saw this in the back of a truck:

- Yeah, that is a cow. In the back of a car. I really want to know what the heck he was doing there. I think I'll call him Manny

- I think I could fall asleep right now and it's only 8:30. I'm a bit pathetic.

- I'm going to go. Not to sleep, but so I don't have to be on the computer

Nothing of Importance. Really

2009-03-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

There's going to be an ABC Family movie with Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart. That's almost as good as the one where the latter was paired with A.C. Slater. I actually never saw that movie and I'll probably never see this one, but I find it hilarious that it's out there in the world. By the way, I say probably because one cannot account for what might be watched when you've got insomnia or a particularly bad case of the flu.

I think I've been staring off into space for approximately three minutes. You'd think that not writing for several days would make me a little more wordy, but that's not the case today.

Staring off into space is easier than finding words. It's also easier than cleaning my apartment up.

I think that maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow. Maybe.

Here's a goat in a birthday hat for your troubles.

Apparently her name is Minnie. Hope she's a better writer than I am.

Irritable Laura Syndrome

2009-03-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

I am irritable. Actually, I think it needs to be capitalized - Irritable - not all caps, because that suggests a complete descent into hellacious bitch, and we're not quite there yet. So if you are in a happy place and don't want to be brought down by Laura's numerous complaints, I'd exit that web browser right about now. Can't say I didn't warn you.

List of Things Contributing to Laura's Irritability:
1) Damn Paxil withdrawal - I am exhausted and every time I take a step, it feels like my brain is getting jolted by something, which is a lovely addition to my persistent headache. So I get to feel like my cranium is blown up with this additional shock if I decide to walk. Funny, I think I have to walk today. And every day. My stomach is a mix of nausea going to pure hunger and back and forth, so that's also quite enjoyable.

2) The Pope - I am so furious that he would even think that condoms don't help the spread of AIDS in Africa, let alone announce it to everyone. AIDS in Africa is an uncontrollable epidemic with no clear end in sight. It doesn't just impact people who decide to have sex - It can change or even end the lives of the children whose parents have the disease. If you're a woman in some African nations, prostitution is the best paying occupation you can feasibly have, and odds are you're going to wind up with it. Not to mention, there's the stigma attached to even mentioning sex in schools, let alone advocating condom use. I know that the church preaches abstinence and is against homosexual relationships...Something I disagree with, but the majority of AIDS cases in Africa are not from homosexual relationships and many people contract the virus because they believe their partner is monogamous when their not. Aside from a vaccination which isn't ready yet and short of quarantining afflicted patients, condoms are the best thing we've got. And who knows how this thing will mutate if we don't handle it as soon as possible. The Pope has said so many absurd things, but this turns my stomach.

3) My pen - I'm referring to the pen that exploded in my lab coat pocket, and now everyone feels the need to tell me that I have a black stain on my coat. Why aren't lab coats black? It really makes no sense for them to be white because stuff jumps on them or explodes on them on a relatively frequent basis.

4) All the people raising more money for Harvest for Hunger than me

5) I left my soup at work - Self explanatory

6) That I really have about 80 more things to complain about, but I think I need to spare you

Hak

2009-03-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

"Just want you to know that our wonderful Hak died peacefully in his sleep around midnight. There was no major cause except readiness of mind, spirit and body to go."

I received this in an email this morning, from my father's aunt, Jean. The person she is referring to is her husband, my great uncle Hak. Hak was an amazingly interesting soul, and I'd like to talk a little bit about him.

Before he married Jean, he worked on a deep-sea fishing boat in the Gulf of Mexico. In the mid-forties, he was a margin clerk for Merrill Lynch, something that is somewhat humorous when you read more about his free spirited lifestyle. But despite those careers, his true occupation was art and he worked various jobs while taking classes and painting whenever he could.

In the 60s, Hak and Jean opened a gallery in their New York apartment where they displayed their work (Jean does photography and pottery) and the work of their friends. He created several underground comics and illustrated several works. At this time he supported the civil rights movement and helped men avoiding the Vietnam War draft. Later in the decade, they moved into a log cabin in New Jersey, where they have remained ever since. In more recent years he started a website and a blog where he mostly talked about art and politics.

It is difficult to describe their cabin without actually seeing it. It is simple, and reflects their lifestyle. The only sign of technology is Jean's computer and printing equipment for her photography (she's switched to digital in the last few years). A spiral staircase leads upstairs to a loft, where Jean and Hak sleep. Outside is the woods, and a bird feeder that Hak built and proclaimed that it was the only truly squirrel-proof feeder. The kitchen (filled with vegan food) and living area are in the same space, with a small table separating them. And everywhere you look, you see Hak's painting. Some are hanging, but most are stacked up against the wall. Tim and I spent an afternoon looking through them once, and we still didn't see all of them. The images sometime mix with words, sometimes the images just speak for themselves. Anti-war, anti-consumerism, anti-animal cruelty...These are just a few of the subjects that Hak brushed on his canvas.

His art is amazing to absorb - both the beauty of the colors and the messages that he left behind. His paintings have appeared in several shows, and even in concert productions in New Jersey. Back in 2001, he was interviewed by the New York Times. But as he says in that article, he didn't do it for the money or the fame. He didn't even care if his were the only eyes that ever saw his work. "I get out of bed and work in the morning and that enables me to connect with my life or existence or whatever," he remarked.

He was someone who I never truly appreciated until recently. He was someone who chose his words carefully and deliberately, sometimes with scathing hilarity, sometimes engrossing bits of wisdom...Sometimes both simultaneously. He was difficult for a child to understand. He spent the majority of my grandparent's 50th anniversary party taking a walk around their property. Some might view that as rude, but I think it just followed the way Hak thought. Why exchange the pointless chit-chat with someone you'll never see again? Hak would have rather been out in nature.Hak didn't really believe in doctors. He was 89 years old, and up until last year, he was fairly sturdy. He simply woke up this morning and said ''Ah, I'm still here.'' He knew he could be gone at any moment and that didn't scare him, I think he embraced it. He didn't die in a hospital, hooked up to IVs and machines. He died in his cabin at home, after a full productive life, and I find that such a blessing. I may not have gotten to know him as well as I would have liked, but I am so happy to have had the chance to know him. Peace, Hak.

"It just comes out of chaos. I have a vague idea of what I'm going to do, and I keep changing it and changing it until the color and the value is just right, and that's about it"

Shut Up and Shave

2009-03-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

- Grover got fixed today. Poor little thing was all lonely in his cage at the place. He sat on my lap, purred and kneaded my arms the entire way home. What a sweetheart. I hope he recovers quickly and it doesn't change him too much. I love him as he is. And he is currently asleep on the table in the sunroom.
- I really wish my legs would shave themselves. I'm completely willing to take the shower, I just don't want to saw my hair off. And then deal with the aftermath when I inevitably chop my skin. I should buy stock in band-aid.
- I started the process of going off paxil. I started taking it for my IBS three years ago and it really did me wonders, but now I want to get off all the medications I can. I'm hoping it won't mess with my stomach too much and I can stay off of it. I also hope I don't turn into a raging bitch.
- P.S. - I apologize in advance
- Tim and I watched "Righteous Kill" last night (we don't normally rent two movies at once, but we had a coupon) and it was definitely better than Changeling. I'm still not sure how I felt about the last fifteen minutes or so, but I'm pretty impressed, especially since I'm not usually a Pacino or DeNiro fan..
- Ugh, I need to have about eighty more burps right about now.
- Can someone come shave my legs while I sleep? I think I'm still making up for Sunday night.
- I know, suck it up.
- I think I'm running out of things to say, so I'm going to hit the showers

Limbo

2009-03-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Why have I had "Be Our Guest" in my head for the last hour and a half? Usually I can pinpoint a reason for having a song in my head, like hearing a phrase or seeing something that reminds me of the song, but I heard no phrase and there sure as hell haven't been any candlesticks walking around the hospital. Might make things a tad more interesting.

I had another song in my head for about two seconds, then I realized that "Be Our Guest" wasn't in there anymore and poof, it came back into my head. I adore Beauty and the Beast, but this is getting old....

And while I was on rounds, "Be Our Guest" totally got Rickrolled! I vote awesome.

Achoo

2009-02-14T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it's happened again and I have another sneeze song.

If you're not Alexis, you might not understand this phrase of mine. You see, a couple of years ago we were listening to another one of these songs repeatedly and decided that pressing the back button could be explained by sneezing. As in "whoops, sneezing made me listen to this song so many times that I've memorized not only the words, but the chord progressions and where the singer takes a breath). The latest sneeze song is "Sometime Around Midnight" by Airborne Toxic Effect. Welcome song, you join a long line of glorious others.*

*Other sneeze songs include, but are not limited to "Upside Down" by Barenaked Ladies, "Casimir Pulaski Day" by Sufjan Stevens, "Passing Afternoon" by Iron & Wine, "The Quest" by Bryn Christopher, "Such Great Heights" by Postal Service and "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap*

A couple of things have happened since I've written. First I chopped a little over eight inches of my hair off...Which reminds me that I need to take the plastic bag of hair off my mantle and actually send it in to be donated. Depending on who you ask, my hair cut makes me look older, younger or more like my sister. It feels a lot better than the limp mess my hair was, whatever it makes me look like.

Tim and I are now new car owners. It's actually Tim's car, but I'm going to take a little credit for it too. We spent about eight hundred years in the car dealership yesterday and now have a Honda Civic. It's an automatic, which makes me happy but makes Tim a little sad because he wanted a manual (and was told there would be a manual of that model there, which there wasn't, but they gave us a pretty good discount since they messed up) and I also like that no part of it has duct tape on it either. I made sure to steal as much as I could to help right that wrong, including a bottle of water, a juice box, a tea bag, and some hot chocolate while I was there. I was tempted to take a box of paper clips as well, but figured I should draw the line at taking things that were actually free. I'm lucky my purse is so large.

Dust Bunny

2009-02-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

I think picking things out of the keyboards at work is my ultimate stress relief. It's somewhat disgusting, but I'm very satisfied when I can get a giant dust ball out from between the keys. The keyboard at my computer is picked dry, but I moved to one outside of our office (my computer was malfunctioning and there was a huge amount of negative energy in the office) and it is like a goldmine. I should come out here with a bent paper clip more often.

Dustball jackpot!

God, I love the possibly gay infectious disease doctor. He's older and has that stereotypical voice. It's like Tim Gunn started talking about bacteria and viruses. It's almost as entertaining as picking the dust out of the computer. Which is obviously a very big compliment. I like it out here where there's far less complaining.

Cold As Ice

2009-02-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

It's butt cold in here. I turned up two of our radiators and instead of those going up, the one in the computer room started hissing like it was spraying water all over the room. Fortunately it's been all talk so far, but this apartment's heating system is like a menopausal woman. It goes from boiling hot to extremely cold in zero flat. Well, I'm taking the passive aggressive route by having tea and being a blanket burrito. Wow, if only I had a Snuggie right about now. Then I'm sure I would be at a perfect temperature without dollar signs pouring out of my thermostat (or really, my landlord's thermostat). The only way that commercial could be better is if it was narrated by Billy Mays (of Oxyclean fame).

Today the parents of the 21 year old who died two weeks ago came up to the floor. They came to bring all of us this huge basket of chocolates. These are two people who lost their only child two weeks ago and they're the ones bringing us food? Sometimes the strength and kindness of people just amazes me.

Oh great, a literal cat fight just broke out on my lap. Time to separate them and ride the elliptical. More news tomorrow.

Flushed

2009-01-31T20:01:00.000-08:00

Rest in peace, big fella.

For those of you who don't know, I once had a very large toilet. So large that it actually scared my sister, who wanted to draw a chalk lining around it to make sure it didn't grow any larger. I was a little apprehensive towards it at first too, but I grew used to it. Now it's gone to toilet heaven.

Apparently they're replacing all the toilets in the building and it was our turn this morning. Now we have a toilet about half the size of this one, and it feels just plain weird. First of all, it no longer goes all the way up to the wall, so I feel like I'm peeing in the middle of the room. In addition, not being up against the wall makes it so much easier to knock the toilet paper and kleenex off the back of the toilet.

What's even worse is that it has low toilet water. Don't ask me to explain this pet peeve, but it just bothers me. You'd think that it would help calm my irrational fear that I'll pee so much one day that the toilet will overflow. Laugh if you want, but sometimes I pee a lot. However, the annoyance outweighs the lessening of an irrational fear.

On a happier note, my new shaving cream is green and it's awesome. I feel like I'm shaving my legs on a Nickelodeon game show.

Cap It Off

2009-01-27T19:55:00.000-08:00

I was perusing Yahoo's homepage today while I was at work (you know that perusing Yahoo's homepage is actually in my job description) and I came across the news that a set of octuplets was born in California yesterday. First of all, I was surprised to hear that all eight of them are breathing on their own despite being nine weeks premature. Second, I was surprised to hear that they were only expecting to find seven babies. How scary is that - you think you're having seven babies which is crazy enough as is, and then bam, they pull out an eighth one? That is one of my irrational fears, that I'll be delivering my first child and all of a sudden a second one is like "Hey there, you have to be my mom too!" I know it's a lot easier for an eighth to hide than a second one, but I have a feeling I'll eat a lot during pregnancy. Like more than I do now. But I digress....Here's the third and final thing that surprised me about this story. The surgeon's cap:

Surgeon's caps are not known to be particularly roomy. Personally, I've never worn one - women wear those stupid shower cap looking things, despite what Grey's Anatomy would have you to believe - but I've seen plenty of men in them, and they all look pretty form fitting. Which leads me to wonder where this surgeon got such a big cap, and why he needs such a big cap. Does he have a lot of hair? An insanely large forehead? Now I'm going to be wondering this forever, because you know I'll never see a picture of him without his cap off. And the best part of the picture is that the dude on the left may very well be contemplating the same thing.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2009-01-24T19:52:00.000-08:00

I think this hat is the most glorious thing I have ever seen.

I mean seriously, would you take a look at that thing? First you take a giant bow, one that is approximately two times the size of Aretha Franklin's head and then you add Swarovski crystals to it....shear genius, my friends. If you saw that hat under your Christmas tree, wouldn't you think it was a present? Imagine trying to untie the ribbon only to realize you've gotten the greatest gift of all - The gift bow hat.

The picture of her singing actually reminds me of something else I need to share with the world - The music video for "It's Raining Men". Mack, Kristen and I saw it last weekend at Melt, only the audio was turned off so it was fun to guess what the f was going on. So here it is, your moment of zen.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXudUM0vKSc&feature=related(you're welcome.)

1, 2, 3, 4, Pressure!

2009-01-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

In order to understand this list, you'll have to watch this video. I assure you, you won't regret it.

Things I Love About Billy Joel's "Pressure" Video
1. The way he flails in his chair, as if the pressure induced seizures
2. When the camera freezes and zooms in on his face. That face would be excellent on a poster, or T-shirt
3. The slow motion image of a car splashing water on his pants and the look of digust on his face when this occurs
4. How Billy Joel apparently runs like Phoebe Buffay
5. The fact that Billy Joel sleeps with a glass of wine next to him and when he knocks it over, it turns into a raging sea of emotion. And his bed looks like a ten year old's
6. Billy's knowing face when the cup starts spitting out coffee
7. When the party guests go sailing across the room. From the pressure?
8. When the overly fluffy carpet starts to digest him. And then transports him into a maze. Of pressure!
9. How kid Billy Joel's pressure seems to involve scissors, film strip and a ketchup bottle swirling around his head. Because he once ran with scissors, couldn't get the ketchup bottle open and watched a movie?
10. And then vegetables and a Kermit the Frog doll go flying down the hall with him. I know I find both of those things very threatening
11. When we randomly switch to contestants on a game show and list their interests
12. And William Joel's interests are "fast bikes, cooking and water sports," but if you pause it at exactly that part, it looks like his interests are "fast bikes, cooking and water"
13. When Billy watches a montage of the video. Isn't the whole video itself supposed to be a montage? It's like an Escher painting, but a lot funnier and not so artistic.
14. Billy Joel's spinning office chair of doom!!
15. PRESSURE!!

The Tale of Sir Laura

2008-12-23T19:48:00.000-08:00

Here is the story of Laura Catherine Hampton, a young woman who is very very dumb.

It was a cold December afternoon when Laura walked to her car in the parking garage. Days ago, she had done laundry at her parent's house and left one of the baskets in the trunk. Her husband had attempted to get the basket out the night before, but the trunk had frozen shut. Laura's car had been sitting in the garage all day, so she figured that maybe it was warm enough in there for the trunk to open, so she tried again, using both the key and the trunk release to no avail.

At this point, Laura noticed a layer of ice surrounding the cracks of the trunk. She deduced that perhaps the trunk would open if she chipped away at the ice. She took her car key and started poking at the ice. It was then that the key slipped down into one of the cracks, bending an end of it. Laura worked hard to mold the key back into its original position, but the key would not budge. At one point, she managed to bend it a little bit, but it still remained warped. So warped that it would not fit in the ignition.

After trying for several more minutes to repair the key, Laura decided it was a lost cause and that she would have to return later with a spare key. Her husband and parents, the owners of her spare keys, were all at work. It was then that she made her way to the RTA station, paid two dollars for her stupidity and got on the Rapid. After several stops and a man who actually beeped at her (like with his mouth), she got off the train and walked a little under to her apartment, on the coldest day of the year. When she returned to her apartment, she couldn't feel her thighs and spent about a minute poking them. Which was actually quite fun.

The moral of the story: I am a dumbass

Christmas Conundrum

2008-12-13T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have a cold and am spending the first part of my day on the couch. I have not one but two Christmas parties to attend later today, so right now I'm conserving my energy. As part of the conservation effort, I've been watching Christmas specials. I have a tape from the 80s that has Muppet Family Christmas, Rudolph and Pee Wee's Christmas special (including a bunch of awesome 80s commericals). Watching these reminded me of a question that has plagued me for years:

Why is this toy a misfit?

Even as a small child, I could not figure it out because I always thought she'd make a good toy. Granted, I thought that pretty much all the misfit toys were pretty sweet (especially the spotted elephant), but I cannot figure out what her flaw was. She has a normal doll body, she's not a train with square wheels and she's not a bird who swims. The toy doesn't have a specific name, so we know she can't be suffering from Charlie in the Box syndrome.

And something disturbing: At the end when the elves start throwing the misfit toys off the sleigh with umbrellla, the elf throws the bird out without an umbrella! As we all know, this bird was a misfit because he can't fly. Basically the elf committed misfit-toyicide and no one seemed to care. I hope they didn't go over a body of water and throw the sinking boat in, because then that elf is a serial killer and we just can't have that. Then again, Santa was racist, so god only knows what was going on up in the north pole.

O Christmas Tree

2008-12-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

Well this happened. Again.

Anyone know how to keep a cat off of a Christmas tree?

Unofficial Orientation Schedule

2008-10-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

6:29 a.m. – Fuck you, alarm
6:33 a.m. – I have already managed to hit my head on my cupboard6:45 a.m. – Attempting to get ready in the dark and bumping into things
7:02 a.m. – Leaving for Shaker Heights
7:23 a.m. – I am stuck behind a woman who appears to be extremely old, extremely short, and possibly drunk.
7:39 a.m. – I arrive at orientation and get my name badge with Physician Assistant on it. The second crowning achievement is that my name is spelled correctly
7:43 a.m. – I go to the bathroom
7:45 a.m. – I get lost on my way back from the bathroom
7:50 a.m. – Orientation begins with a benefits presentation
7:52 a.m. – I am already confused about my benefits
8:03 a.m. – What?
8:22 a.m. – I really wish they wouldn’t abbreviated short term disability as “STD”
8:30 a.m. – Benefits summary ends about two hours too soon, leaving me a giant ass packet to decode when I get home
8:35 a.m. – We take a break, and a new wave of people arrive (those not eligible for benefits), making it a room filled with eighty
8:48 a.m. – A girl with a giant purse and coat does not utilize them to save seats for her two friends and instead either stretches her arm over the chairs or looks pissed when people try to take the empty seats. Her purse and coat stare on
8:52 a.m. – A woman sits on my left with one bagel and four butter packets
8:53 a.m. – The woman on my left wonders out loud if someone from headquarters will show up, look at her breakfast and say “She took four butters – Don’t give her lunch”
9:00 a.m. – A man begins a two and a half hour presentation on the hospital’s image and how we need to be a part of that image. He’s a good speaker, but I cannot handle motivational speaking for that long.
9:14 a.m. – As always, I’ve managed to sit behind the woman with the largest hair ever, causing me to crane my neck every time the speaker wanders behind the mass.
9:24 a.m. – Why is it that hot tea in anything other than a mug tastes weird to me? This is a shame because I need caffeine to get through this
9:38 a.m. – A woman down the aisle has a voice exactly like Louis Armstrong, which makes me laugh more than usual because there was a conversation about him during the wedding reception this weekend where Tim decided that his voice sounded like that because Louis Armstrong was constipated and if he lived today, he’d be doing commercials about it. Yes, I married that, but hey, you let me.
10:01 a.m. – You really don’t need to convince us how great the hospital is. We’re already working for you. We’re here. Go on the street and start convincing others.
10:26 a.m. – Break time
10:28 a.m. – I hate warm toilet seats in public restrooms.
10:38 a.m. - The food services person is in the back of the room putting out soda, and for some reason, I want to go line them up into little rows. Does this make me weird?
11:14 a.m. - I wish they weren't putting out food because now the smell is making my stomach gurgle
11:26 a.m. - The food is egg rolls, chicken rice and fruit salad. Weird choice for a complementary lunch, but I'll take it
12:15 p.m. – Technology overview begins and is given by the blandest talker I've ever heard
12:26 p.m. - Having orientation in a room next to the cafeteria during lunch time is not the best idea.
12:38 p.m. - Rectify, a word that sounds dirty but isn't
12:44 p.m. - This guy is seriously teaching us how to use email - He is explaining that when you hit "reply," you can write an email back to the person who sent one to you1:09 p.m. - Compliance and ethics training begins. It's a bllastt.
1:11 p.m. - The speaker keeps referring to his talk as a "conversation". If it is, it's certainly one-sided
1:17 p.m. - A man two seats down from me just made a sound like Billy Bob Thorton in "Sling Blade"
1:35 p.m. - I am struck with a series of egg roll burps. Pleasant
1:44 p.m. - Code of conduct video begins with a series of dos and don'ts for patient care and confidentiality
1:48 p.m. - In the video, a nurse is sitting in her car when a man passes out in the parking lot. When she gets out of the car, she is already wearing latex gloves. Does she always wear them just in case of emergency?
2:08 p.m. - In the front of the room, there is a muffin with two Dum Dum suckers stuck in the top of it. I will never find out the reason for this, and this makes me a little sad
2:37 p.m. - I wish I had a friend to play tic-tac-toe with
3:05 p.m. - We begin infection control and safety rules
3:13 p.m. - Did you know that you should wash your hands before/after touching patients?
3:14 p.m. - Now I have the Scrubby Bear song in my head. I once had to watch a video with him in it. In college, no less.
3:27 p.m. - In case of fire, do not abandon your patients in their rooms
3:33 p.m. - Do not pull fire alarms.
4:03 p.m. - We're back to talking about the hospital's image and I'm a bit sick of hearing about it
4:04 p.m. - I'm comforted by the fact that at least I'm being paid to listen to this
4:15 p.m. - A woman sneezes several rows down, but doesn't sound like a sneeze. As the woman to my right put it, "That sounded like a poop"
4:17 p.m. - I'm still laughing at her comment because I'm loopy from sitting on my ass all day
4:30 p.m. - The session finally concludes

Things Currently Annoying Me

2008-10-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

I am in a weird mood. This whole not working thing is leaving me a little stir crazy. I made all these huge changes in a matter of weeks, but nothing feels complete because the work aspect is currently on pause. I have a million little projects going, but I still need something else. It's driving me insane that I can't practice what I spent the last few years of my life training for and all that's keeping me from it is paperwork and stupid office politics. So instead of focusing on that, I've decided to make a list of everything else that's annoying me right now.

1. High School Musical 3 commercials and the fact that I can't get the song from it out of my head.
2. People unable to use turn signals
3. People who think Lake is a 25 mph street
4. The fact that every time I come out of the gym I'm greeted by the smell of pizza from Geppetto's and a sign advertising $1.99 Blizzards. Who built the Y between a pizza place and a Dairy Queen?
5. The fact that I now want to eat a Blizzard and pizza.
6. My constant sweet tooth, as evidenced above
7. Commercials for The Starter Wife. Is it just me, or is Debra Messing's mouth open too much
8. The fact that I still haven't completely recovered from my cold that started on Saturday
9. Coughing up gross things
10. That jackass who parks his/her car so we can't use the driveway off of Lake to get into our lot, and have to pull back onto the street and use the one around the corner
11. The new Giant Eagle and the fact that the self-checkout freezes to "send for help" when you don't need it
12. Moxy's latest obsession of playing with used kleenex, causing her to go into waste baskets, knock them over and pull the kleenex out.
13. The phrase "Joe Six Pack"
14. The fact that I have a much more detailed political rant but can't say it here because I don't want to open that godforsaken can of worms
15. Not being able to figure out why Zac Efron freaks me out
16. Anything to do with The Hills
17. That I actually like Kenley's collection from Project Runway
18. The Boston Red Sox
19. Manny Ramierez and Casey Blake being on the same team, because I want Casey to win and Manny to get punched in the face
20. That I whenever I may chai tea, it tastes nothing like Starbucks chai tea
21. Being out of the awesome cinnamon apple tea that Mack got me. Where did you get that magical stuff?
22. The fact that Mack doesn't live in Cleveland. Transfer Mack, it's not like you're involved at Gannon or anything (note: Mack is captain Gannon, so this is sarcasm)
23. Leggings
24. My toenail is just about completely off now, so I have to keep taping it up so I don't hurt it
25. Tim always being gone on Friday nights because of football games
26. Not being able to think of a Halloween costume that would give me an excuse to buy the pink wig at work
27. How long the blood chapter is in my book (less than 10 pages to go, I think)
28. The rate leg hair grows (fast)29. The rate head hair grows (slow)

Smoot and 3/4

2008-10-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

If you read this article, you'll find that a "Smoot" measures 5 feet 7 inches. I find that beyond awesome because (a) It's called a "Smoot" (most of you remember my love for the word following the discovery of the Hawley-Smoot Tariff ) and (b) I measure 5'7" and 3/4. This now means that whenever I'm asked my height, instead of rounded up to 5'8" like I normally do, I can proudly say "Well sir, I measure a Smoot and three-quarters" to which the inquisitive fellow would simply nod and smile. If I ever go missing, make sure they describe me as "blonde hair, blue eyes, Smoot and 3/4 tall...."

The only way this could get any better is if they decide that 3/4 inch is now a "Hawley". Then I'd definitely go down to the BMV so the height on my driver's license could read "Hawley-Smoot". This is totally the best thing that's happened today, which I guess isn't hard considering the other events of my day have been having a cold and lifting my big toenail partially off the nailbed. That hurts, even if you're a Hawley-Smoot tall.

Cut

2008-10-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I went to the Aveda Institute to get my hair cut. This salon’s services are done by students, so it comes at a thirteen dollar price and a rule that you’re not allowed to tip. My friend Katy recommended it for its cheap price, so Alexis made me a one o’clock appointment along with her, her mom, and Rachel. I had heard that the styles take a little longer since they’re students, but assumed I could handle a couple minutes here and there. I was wrong.

Note: I am not dissing the Aveda Institute. It is a fine establishment and provides a great deal for such a cheap price. But when you’re an time hoarding control freak like me, it can be a bit trying. If you’re not a dumb ball like me, it would be a lovely way to spend your Saturday afternoon. And I mean whole afternoon.

I fill out a form and confuse the staff by writing my old address and instead of crossing it out, try to write the numbers of my new address over it. There’s very little seating space in the waiting area, but a person does come out offering cups of water and tea. Eventually, my name is called by my stylist, a young woman named Becky.

Note: I am not dissing Becky. She was a sweetheart and any complaints I have were most likely due to the teaching system and not her.

I am lead through the busy room and a towel and drape are placed around my shoulders. I am then told to look through a magazine and portfolio to match the look I'm going for. This was difficult since some of the styles in there looked like bad 80s dye job explosions, but eventually I located something that matches my look - about 2 inches off and some layers. Before starting, she gives a scalp massage which actually is quite relaxing. While talking to her, I learn that her last day is Tuesday, giving me the false hope that I'll be out of there soon.

Note: Normally I would not be so antsy, but I had Mack in from out of town, waiting at my apartment, and my sister, also in from out of town, waiting for me to get done so we could go see a movie.

Note to the Note: Do not see "Burn After Reading". It sucks.

The time is now 1:32. Becky announces that she's "putting her name on the board" so an instructor can come by to see my before hair as well as the picture I've decided on. We wait for an instructor. And wait some more. I am momentarily alarmed when I look at the mirror by my feet and see that I'm much skinnier and am wearing electric blue leggings. I realize it's not a mirror. I feel stupid and wait some more. Eventually the instructor comes by, signs a paper, and I am free to get my hair washed.

Note: At this point, I think Kristen was texting me asking if I was almost done. If only.

Alexis and I cross paths in the shampoo room. We are seated across from each other and find that we cannot touch feet, unless one of us magically grows another four inches. Becky begins to describe the products she'll be using on my hair and for my "mini facial". While Becky applies the cream and a hot towel to my face, another student named Marnie starts giving me a hand and arm massage. This was also relaxing, but later in the day my arms started to itch and a lotion crudded layer of skin came off when I scratched.

Note: I just remembered that Becky's name was actually Becca. Whoops.

Becca shampoos and conditions my hair, which takes a little longer than I'm used to, but that's probably because I'm typically an under five-minute showerer. We leave Alexis behind and return to the chair. She then proceeds to divide my hair into exceedingly tiny sections and cuts each one in several short snips before moving on to the next one. I'm all for precision, but it seems like each hair is being individually cut. This goes on and on and on and on. I start to focus on the student in the back giving a mannequin head and updo. This creeps me out for some strange reason.

Note: At this point, Mack is in my apartment getting angry with Nickelodeon's lack of programming due to the fact that it's "Go Out and Play Day". Mack does not wish to go out and play (and quite frankly can't because she has no keys to my apartment), she just wants some cartoons, dammit.

The follicle-by-follicle cutting ceases and Becca asks me if I want a plain blow-dry, or if she'd like her to give me some extra volume. Because I have limp hair and because I'm an effin' moron, I go for the latter. This involves dividing my hair into the aforementioned itty bitty sections, wrapping them around a round brush, then holding a hair dryer to each piece for approximately one minute each. I know my usual hair drying routine involves waving the hair dryer around my head with one hand and reading or playing on the computer with the other hand (and later wondering why half of my head is more wet than the other), but this also seems somewhat excessive. It's all I can do to not take the hair dryer from her.

Note: Or at least ask her if I can play Super Mario Bros online while she's working. Cause that would have made it a little bit better.

Now that my hair is dry, Becca starts to cut my side bangs. I tell her that I'd like it to fall at the top of my cheekbone. First she cuts it just above my earlobe and asks me if I'd like it shorter. I say yes and she cuts it 1/32nd inch and asks again. I say yes and she cuts it even less this time. This repeats once more, till I finally just say it's fine and resolve to cut it myself if it bothers me later. She then adds a styling powder to my roots, which actually did not seem to add any volume to my hair, as promised.

Note: It did however, according to Tim, give my hair a basil smell, which became nauseating after smelling it for a long period of time. It reminded him of a time during childhood when his friend would stick a basil plant up his nose to see how long he could stand it. Personally, I never smelled the basil.

The final part was a makeup consultation, which consisted of some blush, eyeshadow and lipgloss. I agreed to all three and silently wondered why there was no mascara, because I can have all the makeup in the world, but I still look dead without mascara. Then we had to repeat the instructor approval process. She then showed me all the products she used and made me fill out a small survey. It was then that I was allowed to run free (almost forgetting to pay), say goodbye to Alexis, and leave the Aveda Institute, two and a half hours after I arrived.

Note: I have not seen Alexis since I left the salon and while I have received text messages from her, I'm not entirely convinced that they aren't still holding her hostage. Stay strong Alexis, stay strong!

In a nutshell, you get a good amount from the Aveda Institute for a small price, but I am way too OCD for that place. Especially when no one can even tell that you got your hair cut. Oh, well.

19 Things

2008-09-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

1. I still suck at writing on a regular basis.
2. I’m working part-time at the Party Station till my real job kicks in. My mom’s friend was nice enough to get me a couple of shifts per week.
3. Moxy has to get vaccinations tomorrow and I’m afraid she’ll start hating us. Right now she’s darting around my feet like a psycho-cat. Or psycho-kitten, I suppose.
3. I think I just ate the one-millionth honey-roasted peanuts leftover from our wedding favors. While I still disagree with airlines getting rid of them, I’m getting kind of sick of them.
4. No, you can’t have them. I might get un-sick of them.
5. I keep thinking that the life-size cutout of Hannah Montana in our store is an actual customer and almost ask her if I can help her find anything
6. I am doing a wretched job of reading up on hematology before my job starts.
7. Then again, I have been deep cleaning my apartment this week, so I guess I have an excuse.
8. Which reminds me that both Mack and my sister are in town tomorrow, making me a very happy girl.
9. I am also very happy about the fact that Moxy is curled up in my lap. She is the sweetest kitten ever.
10. I am livid that Kenley did not get kicked off of Project Runway last night. If that is a hip-hop outfit, then I’m LL Cool J.
11. A giant pigeon died in our courtyard. Tim reports that seeds were all over its body, as if its stomach had exploded. All I saw was a lot of pigeon blood
12. This is not to be confused with The Giant Pigeon who also lives in our courtyard and is appoximately the size of a dog.
13. Actually, most of the pigeons residing in our courtyard are large. I don’t get it, because people don’t seem to be feeding them.
14. Why does the Grey’s Anatomy season premiere have to be two hours? I could maybe get away with one hour while Tim practiced or something, but two is not feasible. Looks like I’m watching it online tomorrow morning
15. I sorted through Halloween costumes at work today and now I’m trying to decide what I should be. Sadly, all our costumes are slutty ones. We can’t just go with “Flight Attendent”. No, ours is “Mile High Captain”. Classy.
16. If you’re looking for a good book, read David Hully’s memoir “My Lobotomy”. And if anyone can recommend any other medical memoirs, let me know.
17. Or read the one about the woman with the heart transplant. If you know what that book’s title is, also let me know.
18. There are two threes, so this is 19. I am boring, so I am leaving.

Prince Edward Is A Land

2008-09-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

Every time I look at my map of the world shower curtain, I am distracted by a typo. I know this sort of thing plagues everyone. Most people these days have a fiance who registered for a map of the world shower curtain, have sisters-in-law who bought said shower curtain and have a husband who insists on hanging up the map of the world shower curtain, so I know you’re all with me here. What distracts me every time I pee is something off the coast of South Africa, named Prince Edward Isaland.

Prince Edward Isaland is just one of the many mysteries of my map of the world shower curtain. For example, why does South Africa have three capitals (Bloemfontein, Pretoria and Cape Town, in case you’re curious)? Why did the makers of the map decide that Canada should have its provinces listed and America its states while other countries have no such distinctions? Why isn’t Lichtenstein on my map, you tiny country hating bastards? What other tiny countries that I have no clue exist aren’t listed on my map?

Lately my kitten Moxy has taken to walking along the tub edge between the curtain and the liner. This gives the effect of a large animal attacking much of our Earth. Occasionally she bats the map key and glances towards the coast of Australia. I feel I should warn these countries, lest they think the United States has built a powerful war kitten and counterstrike with atomic puppies. I don’t even want to think of the damage that could be done to Prince Edward Isaland. After all, it is a land too.

Lily

2008-02-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

You were born on Monday, January 28, 2008 to two loving parents. I met your mother and father about an hour before your surgery to talk to them about the c-section. Your mom was sweet to us, your father friendly, both with a nervous air about them. I asked them if they knew what they were having, they told me a little girl who would be named Lily.

We were doing the c-section earlier than we normally would because you had a heart condition and your mom’s doctors felt it would be better to get you out now. Your mom told us in specific details what was wrong with you. Your aorta, left ventricle and mitral valve were all underdeveloped, something called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. They planned to deliver you, place a tube down your throat to help you to breathe, and eventually do some surgeries to repair your heart.

Your father sat next to your mom as she was being cut open. When you were born, they held you up for both of them to see. You could hear the smile in your father’s voice, his wonder as he watched you. Before they took you out of the OR and down to the NICU, the neonatal team paused next to your parents, allowed them to see you. Your father reached in the incubator and brushed your hand. Your weight and color were both good.

We went back to work, closing up your young mother. Only 25 years old, but possessed with such a sweet kind motherly soul. She and your father talked from time to time, but it was difficult to hear them over the room’s general noise. Eventually your father went down to the NICU with you, as we finished the final stitches on her. Your mother was probably the most grateful patient I ever saw in that OR. She thanked each and every one of us, told us how wonderful we were. She must have been consumed with worry about you, but she made sure we knew how appreciated we were. We wished her and her daughter, you, well.

It was the next day while I was preparing for another surgery that I heard. You died just an hour after you were born. For one reason or another, your heart decided to stop. The neonatal team began CPR, but in someone so young, it’s often hard to bring them back. So they did the only thing they could: they got your mother from the recovery room, and she held you as you went.

You were my first patient to ever die, Lily, and it took me by surprise. I always expected this person to be old, someone with a stroke or a heart attack or even a car accident. I didn’t expect that person to have lived only an hour, knowing nothing but hospital walls. I hope you know how loving your parents were towards you, how great they would have been to you. I never got the chance to know you, Lily, but I will remember you for as long as I live.

It's Tribe Time, Still

2007-10-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, but I'll say it again - this year really felt like it was going to be the year. After years of being at school during playoff season, I was finally at home watching the games with the person who led me to be a fan in the first place, my mom. From the beginning of the season, I watched this close-knit team work their way through a series of obstacles and triumph. Last night, I couldn't watch them as they failed to clear the last hurdle in front of them. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross felt the stages of grief did not just apply to death, but to the loss of a job, a home, a marriage. In Cleveland, they apply to baseball.

You have your denial, the hope that maybe a play will be overturned, maybe some secret drug ring exposed that will allow us our trip to the World Series. My friend Megan wanted to know if the entire Boston team were to disappear before Wednesday, would the Indians be allowed in their place? She claims this question is hypothetical, but I feel like I should stop talking about it before we all become accessories to kidnapping. Then there's anger - fuming, pouting, kicking. Everything you were taught to give up as a toddler is immediately accepted again when baseball's on the line. We yell at the ump, the opposing team, and at times our own players. In my case, I have extreme swearing. I was told that I swear more during a baseball game than I do in months, and in all honesty, I would probably swear even more if I wasn't watching the game with my parents.

My mother and I have been bargaining the entire postseason. I offered rather insane things to the Indians, ranging from bringing Travis Hafner a slice of Danny Boy's pizza (my mom and I once saw him walking out of that particular establishment) to naming a kitten after Ryan Garko. We figure that if we wear our lucky shirt, our lucky underwear, play the right songs, perform the correct actions, we'll magically make them win. As for depression, well, even the weather in Cleveland seems to understand our gloom. As it pours outside, we're numb and quiet for the first time in weeks.

And here's #5, Acceptance: The Cleveland Indians are a wonderful team, and you will not convince me otherwise. They are a group of excellent players who granted, may have faltered as of late, but still have amazing talent. What makes this so hard is that they also seem to be generally good guys. They are a team that works together, has fun, never seems to complain or shift the blame on each other, the opposite team, the manager or the bugs. They know their faults and weaknesses, and they strive to make themselves better. I sense that they're not just in this for the money, but because they truly love the game. And they play a clean game - Did you see Indians players slamming cowbells and other percussion instruments in the bullpen to distract the outfield? Did an Indians pitcher yell at a runner because he mistook a strike for ball four? Did an Indians player throw his arms up in a victory stance when he hit a solo homerun in the opposing park? No, they played the game with class. And for that, I say Go Rockies. But my cheering for a non-Cleveland team is only temporary. These men gave us a good season and went farther than anyone seemed to expect. It's only four months until spring training, and I can't wait for the next ride. Enjoy the break Tribe, and rest confident in the fact that you took us on an amazing journey. See you in the spring, boys.

July 3rd

2007-10-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

I wake up at 5:47 a.m., get dressed, throw some make-up on and toss my hair into a ponytail. I make a bagel, grab my water bottle and get into my car for the half hour drive to the hospital. I work a 10 hour shift, yet only see three patients. One is returning to the ER for a headache - just five days ago I was on shift when he was diagnosed with and sent to surgery for his appendicitis. Another is a young male who has been vomiting for hours. The third patient is the saddest, a twenty year old who has had a miscarriage. I end the work day feeling a mix of boredom, pent up energy and sadness.

I have dinner, and sometime after that Tim calls. We head to Caribou, and despite it being summer, I order hot chocolate. While we're waiting for our drinks to be ready, I read my horoscope: "Much centers around you. Fortunately, carrying responsibilities might be natural; however, you, like many, enjoy your time off. Tonight: Say 'yes'".

We watch the Indians game with my parents and the Tribe beats the Tigers 5-4. We watch Scrubs until Tim asks if we can turn it off. We talk. Tim gets down on one knee.

Tim asks me to marry him.

I say yes.

My Apologies to Columbus

2007-01-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

Columbus hit a major depression when its Buckeyes were beat by the Florida Gators in Monday night's national championship bowl. Up until this game, OSU was undefeated, making them the number one team in the country. Despite Ted Ginn Jr.'s breathtaking 93 yard touchdown in the game's first play, the Bucks could not win against the underdog Gators. Not only did they lose, they lost in a horrific showing, with the final score leaving them behind by nearly 30 points.

Many Buckeye fans are wondering what exactly went wrong. Was it overconfidence? Did the team suffer from the long break between their last game and this game? Were the players preoccupied by wondering (like I was) if Jim Tressel buys his sweater vests individually or in bulk at a coach's version of Sam's Club? One might consider any or all of these positions, but I know the truth: OSU's catastrophic loss was caused by the fact that I was watching.

It may sound crazy, but let me present this evidence: The number of the games OSU lost before the championship was zero - The number of the games I watched before this game was also zero. Exhibit B: Note the other teams I cheer on. The Indians, The Cavs, The Browns. Save the Cavs' play-off appearances, can you think of the last time they've won anything important. I know there hasn't been a World Series for the Indians since I was in grade school. The Browns have never even made a Super Bowl appearance. Even teams I only mildly root for are at risk - Remember the incredible season the Detroit Tigers had last year only to lose it when it mattered the most? Guess who was cheering them on in the 2006 World Series? If you guessed Ms. Laura Team-Jinxer, you're correct.

I would stop cheering all together, but I can't help myself. I'm like a virus that feeds off the teams I love. So my apologies go out to Columbus and one Mr. Jim Tressel. Maybe next season my curse-like powers will have disappeared. But just to be safe, I'll test that out before a championship game.

Trojan Man

2006-09-04T17:25:00.000-07:00

The eleven o’clock news was did a small feature piece concerning teenage pregnancy. A high school in one of the towns near where I live noted an alarming increase of pregnant students in the past year. The increase naturally led to a debate concerning the effectiveness of the school’s current sex-ed program. However, this debate was not what interested me. What interested me was a particular choice the cameraman made: As the reporter spoke, the camera panned over a number of the school’s sites - the football field, the lockers, and most amusingly, the message board outside the school that read “Go Trojans!”

Well done Cameraman. Well done.

Ad-hoc

2006-08-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

Dude, remember those Diet Pepsi commercials with Ray Charles? That's the song I have in my head right now. Has Pepsi made a good commercial lately? I remember liking that one with the young Jimi Hendrix picking a Pepsi machine instead of a Coke machine and winding up next to a guitar store (as opposed to the Coke machine, which was next to an accordian store). Aside from that, I think they've mostly blown.

Currently, I find myself strongly disliking the Double Stuf Oreo commercials that have people racing to lick all of the cream off of the Oreo. That is not how we eat Oreos, my friends. We savor them, unless of course, we have a gun to our heads. The proper way to eat Double Stuf Oreos is to take one cookie portion off of two Oreos and combine them to make a Quadruple Stuf Oreo. Duh.

Another commercial that really bothers me is that Gatorade commercial (actually, I'm not 100% sure it's for Gatorade...) with all these athlete's heads on children's bodies. While this might not be as bad as dogs with human hands, adult heads on child bodies is creepy, freaky and disorienting. For the next few commercials, everyone's heads look too big. Plus I cannot for the life of me figure out who the female athlete is. Tim has no clue either, aside from her being "Not Mia Hamm".

Always good: Commercials with kittens. Or babies sometimes. But not that one (I think it's for Pampers) with the baby with the adult voice pretending to work out in his diaper. Much like the big-head athletes, an adult voice like that should not be coming from an infant. Yes, I did enjoy 'Look Who's Talking' and 'Look Who's Talking Too' as a child, but I was a child and didn't know any better. Now I'm fully grown and realize babies shouldn't sound like Roseanne and Bruce Willis. Basically, I'm bothered by mismatched things. And the majority of most commercials. And also by people who don't use turn signals, but that's another rant for another time.

Sunkist Self-Esteem Caps

2006-07-31T14:42:00.000-07:00

I saved the cap from a Sunkist 20 oz. bottle I drank this weekend because it had a sweepstakes code on it, and every once and awhile that'll get you a free song download or something like that. I was not hoping for the grand prize of "rocking out with my entourage, MTV live and a free band," because I'm pretty sure MTV live would find both my entourage and the fact that I'd pick a Billy Joel concert as quite weird. So I went to the Sunkist website and entered my 15 digit code, and received this reply:

"Sorry, but the Code GBQMGBBGBBX9GTM isn’t a winner. But you’re still a winner on the inside."

Does Sunkist think I'm so off my rocker that they need to give my self-esteem a boost after not winning a free music download? Apparently the Sunkist theory is that if I lose this contest involving no skill aside from purchasing/opening the bottle I will immediately jump to the conclusion that I am a worthless loser. But thank God I'm still a winner on the inside according to a website that has had no contact with me whatsoever.

I appreciate the little nod to me, the little pat on the back, but I'd like it much better if they used a response similar to Coca-Cola's - "Drink Coke - Play Again". They never straight out tell you that you lose. It's like a doctor's voice trailing off on a TV show to indicate a patient's dead. Not to mention the subtle suggestion to buy more chances to win. Sunkist doesn't make me feel this need to play again, because you know what? I'm already a winner on the inside.

What the Duck?

2006-06-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

Seen: The above animal on the evening of June 8, 2006. The creature was observed while driving by the docks of Put-In-Bay. In order to get a better look at this duck-like bird, Tim and I stopped the car and rolled down the window, upon which it decided to waddle towards the car. The animal seemed to be willing to accept food, however, we had no food on us save one lone midget pretzel in my back seat. We also wished to avoid having the animal launch itself through my driver's window, so the lack of food was probably a blessing. I have looked in at least 5 bird books as well as on the internet and I simply cannot find what the heck this bird is. In the meantime, I shall call him Turducken.