Unofficial Orientation Schedule

6:29 a.m. – Fuck you, alarm
6:33 a.m. – I have already managed to hit my head on my cupboard6:45 a.m. – Attempting to get ready in the dark and bumping into things
7:02 a.m. – Leaving for Shaker Heights
7:23 a.m. – I am stuck behind a woman who appears to be extremely old, extremely short, and possibly drunk.
7:39 a.m. – I arrive at orientation and get my name badge with Physician Assistant on it. The second crowning achievement is that my name is spelled correctly
7:43 a.m. – I go to the bathroom
7:45 a.m. – I get lost on my way back from the bathroom
7:50 a.m. – Orientation begins with a benefits presentation
7:52 a.m. – I am already confused about my benefits
8:03 a.m. – What?
8:22 a.m. – I really wish they wouldn’t abbreviated short term disability as “STD”
8:30 a.m. – Benefits summary ends about two hours too soon, leaving me a giant ass packet to decode when I get home
8:35 a.m. – We take a break, and a new wave of people arrive (those not eligible for benefits), making it a room filled with eighty
8:48 a.m. – A girl with a giant purse and coat does not utilize them to save seats for her two friends and instead either stretches her arm over the chairs or looks pissed when people try to take the empty seats. Her purse and coat stare on
8:52 a.m. – A woman sits on my left with one bagel and four butter packets
8:53 a.m. – The woman on my left wonders out loud if someone from headquarters will show up, look at her breakfast and say “She took four butters – Don’t give her lunch”
9:00 a.m. – A man begins a two and a half hour presentation on the hospital’s image and how we need to be a part of that image. He’s a good speaker, but I cannot handle motivational speaking for that long.
9:14 a.m. – As always, I’ve managed to sit behind the woman with the largest hair ever, causing me to crane my neck every time the speaker wanders behind the mass.
9:24 a.m. – Why is it that hot tea in anything other than a mug tastes weird to me? This is a shame because I need caffeine to get through this
9:38 a.m. – A woman down the aisle has a voice exactly like Louis Armstrong, which makes me laugh more than usual because there was a conversation about him during the wedding reception this weekend where Tim decided that his voice sounded like that because Louis Armstrong was constipated and if he lived today, he’d be doing commercials about it. Yes, I married that, but hey, you let me.
10:01 a.m. – You really don’t need to convince us how great the hospital is. We’re already working for you. We’re here. Go on the street and start convincing others.
10:26 a.m. – Break time
10:28 a.m. – I hate warm toilet seats in public restrooms.
10:38 a.m. - The food services person is in the back of the room putting out soda, and for some reason, I want to go line them up into little rows. Does this make me weird?
11:14 a.m. - I wish they weren't putting out food because now the smell is making my stomach gurgle
11:26 a.m. - The food is egg rolls, chicken rice and fruit salad. Weird choice for a complementary lunch, but I'll take it
12:15 p.m. – Technology overview begins and is given by the blandest talker I've ever heard
12:26 p.m. - Having orientation in a room next to the cafeteria during lunch time is not the best idea.
12:38 p.m. - Rectify, a word that sounds dirty but isn't
12:44 p.m. - This guy is seriously teaching us how to use email - He is explaining that when you hit "reply," you can write an email back to the person who sent one to you1:09 p.m. - Compliance and ethics training begins. It's a bllastt.
1:11 p.m. - The speaker keeps referring to his talk as a "conversation". If it is, it's certainly one-sided
1:17 p.m. - A man two seats down from me just made a sound like Billy Bob Thorton in "Sling Blade"
1:35 p.m. - I am struck with a series of egg roll burps. Pleasant
1:44 p.m. - Code of conduct video begins with a series of dos and don'ts for patient care and confidentiality
1:48 p.m. - In the video, a nurse is sitting in her car when a man passes out in the parking lot. When she gets out of the car, she is already wearing latex gloves. Does she always wear them just in case of emergency?
2:08 p.m. - In the front of the room, there is a muffin with two Dum Dum suckers stuck in the top of it. I will never find out the reason for this, and this makes me a little sad
2:37 p.m. - I wish I had a friend to play tic-tac-toe with
3:05 p.m. - We begin infection control and safety rules
3:13 p.m. - Did you know that you should wash your hands before/after touching patients?
3:14 p.m. - Now I have the Scrubby Bear song in my head. I once had to watch a video with him in it. In college, no less.
3:27 p.m. - In case of fire, do not abandon your patients in their rooms
3:33 p.m. - Do not pull fire alarms.
4:03 p.m. - We're back to talking about the hospital's image and I'm a bit sick of hearing about it
4:04 p.m. - I'm comforted by the fact that at least I'm being paid to listen to this
4:15 p.m. - A woman sneezes several rows down, but doesn't sound like a sneeze. As the woman to my right put it, "That sounded like a poop"
4:17 p.m. - I'm still laughing at her comment because I'm loopy from sitting on my ass all day
4:30 p.m. - The session finally concludes

Things Currently Annoying Me

I am in a weird mood. This whole not working thing is leaving me a little stir crazy. I made all these huge changes in a matter of weeks, but nothing feels complete because the work aspect is currently on pause. I have a million little projects going, but I still need something else. It's driving me insane that I can't practice what I spent the last few years of my life training for and all that's keeping me from it is paperwork and stupid office politics. So instead of focusing on that, I've decided to make a list of everything else that's annoying me right now.

1. High School Musical 3 commercials and the fact that I can't get the song from it out of my head.
2. People unable to use turn signals
3. People who think Lake is a 25 mph street
4. The fact that every time I come out of the gym I'm greeted by the smell of pizza from Geppetto's and a sign advertising $1.99 Blizzards. Who built the Y between a pizza place and a Dairy Queen?
5. The fact that I now want to eat a Blizzard and pizza.
6. My constant sweet tooth, as evidenced above
7. Commercials for The Starter Wife. Is it just me, or is Debra Messing's mouth open too much
8. The fact that I still haven't completely recovered from my cold that started on Saturday
9. Coughing up gross things
10. That jackass who parks his/her car so we can't use the driveway off of Lake to get into our lot, and have to pull back onto the street and use the one around the corner
11. The new Giant Eagle and the fact that the self-checkout freezes to "send for help" when you don't need it
12. Moxy's latest obsession of playing with used kleenex, causing her to go into waste baskets, knock them over and pull the kleenex out.
13. The phrase "Joe Six Pack"
14. The fact that I have a much more detailed political rant but can't say it here because I don't want to open that godforsaken can of worms
15. Not being able to figure out why Zac Efron freaks me out
16. Anything to do with The Hills
17. That I actually like Kenley's collection from Project Runway
18. The Boston Red Sox
19. Manny Ramierez and Casey Blake being on the same team, because I want Casey to win and Manny to get punched in the face
20. That I whenever I may chai tea, it tastes nothing like Starbucks chai tea
21. Being out of the awesome cinnamon apple tea that Mack got me. Where did you get that magical stuff?
22. The fact that Mack doesn't live in Cleveland. Transfer Mack, it's not like you're involved at Gannon or anything (note: Mack is captain Gannon, so this is sarcasm)
23. Leggings
24. My toenail is just about completely off now, so I have to keep taping it up so I don't hurt it
25. Tim always being gone on Friday nights because of football games
26. Not being able to think of a Halloween costume that would give me an excuse to buy the pink wig at work
27. How long the blood chapter is in my book (less than 10 pages to go, I think)
28. The rate leg hair grows (fast)29. The rate head hair grows (slow)

Smoot and 3/4

If you read this article, you'll find that a "Smoot" measures 5 feet 7 inches. I find that beyond awesome because (a) It's called a "Smoot" (most of you remember my love for the word following the discovery of the Hawley-Smoot Tariff ) and (b) I measure 5'7" and 3/4. This now means that whenever I'm asked my height, instead of rounded up to 5'8" like I normally do, I can proudly say "Well sir, I measure a Smoot and three-quarters" to which the inquisitive fellow would simply nod and smile. If I ever go missing, make sure they describe me as "blonde hair, blue eyes, Smoot and 3/4 tall...."

The only way this could get any better is if they decide that 3/4 inch is now a "Hawley". Then I'd definitely go down to the BMV so the height on my driver's license could read "Hawley-Smoot". This is totally the best thing that's happened today, which I guess isn't hard considering the other events of my day have been having a cold and lifting my big toenail partially off the nailbed. That hurts, even if you're a Hawley-Smoot tall.

Cut

Last Saturday I went to the Aveda Institute to get my hair cut. This salon’s services are done by students, so it comes at a thirteen dollar price and a rule that you’re not allowed to tip. My friend Katy recommended it for its cheap price, so Alexis made me a one o’clock appointment along with her, her mom, and Rachel. I had heard that the styles take a little longer since they’re students, but assumed I could handle a couple minutes here and there. I was wrong.

Note: I am not dissing the Aveda Institute. It is a fine establishment and provides a great deal for such a cheap price. But when you’re an time hoarding control freak like me, it can be a bit trying. If you’re not a dumb ball like me, it would be a lovely way to spend your Saturday afternoon. And I mean whole afternoon.

I fill out a form and confuse the staff by writing my old address and instead of crossing it out, try to write the numbers of my new address over it. There’s very little seating space in the waiting area, but a person does come out offering cups of water and tea. Eventually, my name is called by my stylist, a young woman named Becky.

Note: I am not dissing Becky. She was a sweetheart and any complaints I have were most likely due to the teaching system and not her.

I am lead through the busy room and a towel and drape are placed around my shoulders. I am then told to look through a magazine and portfolio to match the look I'm going for. This was difficult since some of the styles in there looked like bad 80s dye job explosions, but eventually I located something that matches my look - about 2 inches off and some layers. Before starting, she gives a scalp massage which actually is quite relaxing. While talking to her, I learn that her last day is Tuesday, giving me the false hope that I'll be out of there soon.

Note: Normally I would not be so antsy, but I had Mack in from out of town, waiting at my apartment, and my sister, also in from out of town, waiting for me to get done so we could go see a movie.

Note to the Note: Do not see "Burn After Reading". It sucks.

The time is now 1:32. Becky announces that she's "putting her name on the board" so an instructor can come by to see my before hair as well as the picture I've decided on. We wait for an instructor. And wait some more. I am momentarily alarmed when I look at the mirror by my feet and see that I'm much skinnier and am wearing electric blue leggings. I realize it's not a mirror. I feel stupid and wait some more. Eventually the instructor comes by, signs a paper, and I am free to get my hair washed.

Note: At this point, I think Kristen was texting me asking if I was almost done. If only.

Alexis and I cross paths in the shampoo room. We are seated across from each other and find that we cannot touch feet, unless one of us magically grows another four inches. Becky begins to describe the products she'll be using on my hair and for my "mini facial". While Becky applies the cream and a hot towel to my face, another student named Marnie starts giving me a hand and arm massage. This was also relaxing, but later in the day my arms started to itch and a lotion crudded layer of skin came off when I scratched.

Note: I just remembered that Becky's name was actually Becca. Whoops.

Becca shampoos and conditions my hair, which takes a little longer than I'm used to, but that's probably because I'm typically an under five-minute showerer. We leave Alexis behind and return to the chair. She then proceeds to divide my hair into exceedingly tiny sections and cuts each one in several short snips before moving on to the next one. I'm all for precision, but it seems like each hair is being individually cut. This goes on and on and on and on. I start to focus on the student in the back giving a mannequin head and updo. This creeps me out for some strange reason.

Note: At this point, Mack is in my apartment getting angry with Nickelodeon's lack of programming due to the fact that it's "Go Out and Play Day". Mack does not wish to go out and play (and quite frankly can't because she has no keys to my apartment), she just wants some cartoons, dammit.

The follicle-by-follicle cutting ceases and Becca asks me if I want a plain blow-dry, or if she'd like her to give me some extra volume. Because I have limp hair and because I'm an effin' moron, I go for the latter. This involves dividing my hair into the aforementioned itty bitty sections, wrapping them around a round brush, then holding a hair dryer to each piece for approximately one minute each. I know my usual hair drying routine involves waving the hair dryer around my head with one hand and reading or playing on the computer with the other hand (and later wondering why half of my head is more wet than the other), but this also seems somewhat excessive. It's all I can do to not take the hair dryer from her.

Note: Or at least ask her if I can play Super Mario Bros online while she's working. Cause that would have made it a little bit better.

Now that my hair is dry, Becca starts to cut my side bangs. I tell her that I'd like it to fall at the top of my cheekbone. First she cuts it just above my earlobe and asks me if I'd like it shorter. I say yes and she cuts it 1/32nd inch and asks again. I say yes and she cuts it even less this time. This repeats once more, till I finally just say it's fine and resolve to cut it myself if it bothers me later. She then adds a styling powder to my roots, which actually did not seem to add any volume to my hair, as promised.

Note: It did however, according to Tim, give my hair a basil smell, which became nauseating after smelling it for a long period of time. It reminded him of a time during childhood when his friend would stick a basil plant up his nose to see how long he could stand it. Personally, I never smelled the basil.

The final part was a makeup consultation, which consisted of some blush, eyeshadow and lipgloss. I agreed to all three and silently wondered why there was no mascara, because I can have all the makeup in the world, but I still look dead without mascara. Then we had to repeat the instructor approval process. She then showed me all the products she used and made me fill out a small survey. It was then that I was allowed to run free (almost forgetting to pay), say goodbye to Alexis, and leave the Aveda Institute, two and a half hours after I arrived.

Note: I have not seen Alexis since I left the salon and while I have received text messages from her, I'm not entirely convinced that they aren't still holding her hostage. Stay strong Alexis, stay strong!

In a nutshell, you get a good amount from the Aveda Institute for a small price, but I am way too OCD for that place. Especially when no one can even tell that you got your hair cut. Oh, well.